New Insight

      So I was just watching 700 Club on TV…I’ve never watched this before. In fact, I remember when I was younger and it would come on in the mornings I’d get so frustrated and instantly turn the channel. Well, it came on after Boy Meets World on ABCFamily a bit ago, and I decided to stick it out to see what it was about. The first story was of a husband and wife who gave birth to twin girls who had fluid on their brains and ended up dying 11 days later. Yeah, sounds heartbreaking right!? Well, I’m sharing this with you because I got so much out of their story.

      As you can imagine they really struggled with God after this happened and couldn’t understand “why us”; “why them”; “where were You”? All I kept thinking about was how that was my husband and I, and has been him and I ever since our miscarriages. We still can’t grasp why this happened to us and why we’re having such difficulty conceiving now. Each time we’ve had the miscarriage, or gotten a BFN since then we curl up in a ball and become depressed, thinking all of these horrible negative thoughts towards God. The other thing was that by doing this, we became scared to share this with others. I’ve come a long way, and don’t mind being upfront and honest, but my husband still has a difficult time with it. His concern (and sometimes mine) is that if people know we’re losing babies and having difficulty TTC what will they think of us? Also, if we tell others that we are pregnant, and then have another miscarriage, not only are we hurt but our friends and family would be hurt too. Why should we put that pain on them as well? And sharing all this hurt with people makes us vulnerable and honestly almost appear broken.

      What I’ve taken away from that couples struggles was this…it’s okay to be transparent; it’s okay to be real and express your true feelings and emotions; it’s okay to be vulnerable…because will all of this comes humility. Becoming depressed and sad is sometimes hard to avoid, however you have a choice with what you’re going to do with it. Crawling into a ball, climbing into bed, and removing yourself from the rest of the world allows the devil and negativity into your heart. Once that happens, you will continue to turn more and more away from God. Obviously that’s not what we want.

      Also, keeping our emotions in and developing a fear of man and trying to put on a façade to hide yourself from others will only make you more abandoned and more afraid to deal with that helplessness. Opening up, expressing yourself, becoming transparent, and sharing your weaknesses, pain, and fears before the Lord will you give a stronger identity. God knows you inside and out, even when we don’t express to him our pain and fears, He knows them, so why not be honest? Trusting and leaning on God’s word even through rough times makes God’s presence upon our hearts genuine. It’s so easy to give up in difficult times. 

      I discussed before my fear about sharing the news of a new pregnancy right away; this fear was on my mind while watching this program. I’m going to be transparent. I’m going to express myself through this process. I’m not going to turn inward in fear and pain. I am going to remain hopeful and trusting of God. Even if a new pregnancy ends in another miscarriage, I will survive and make it through that pain with God, family, and friends just as I have before.

UPDATE: Fingers Crossed

      Well they got me in today! Thank goodness!! We went over the schedule for clomid and the different steps to taking it. I think it went well. I will officially start it on Friday, CD5.

      Last night when I was so worried about not being able to start it this month I felt like I'd lost all hope and faith. But today, I feel wonderful. As I was leaving my house to go to my appointment I saw something by the curb next door...a crib! I stopped and took a look at it and it was beautiful and in really good shape. It had all of the pieces except for the mattress. I was talking to my hubby on the phone so I asked if I should stop and grab it and he said yes. I instantly thought that it must be some sort of sign!! Well, when I got home I got it all unloaded from the car and googled the model number...and we can't use it! It had been recalled due to the brackets and it's also is from 1998 and it's suggested not to buy/use a crib more than 10 years old. I'm kind of disappointed because I sort of love it, but oh well, it's not like we need it just yet anyway. So to our curb it's going! 

      However...I got the mail after my appointment, and my freebies came in! I got a carseat cover for free and a nursing cover for free! I love them! 

      I'm feeling very positive and excited! 

Fingers Crossed

      So last cycle I spotted for two days, and then started a period. I assumed this cycle would be the same. However, I started spotting late yesterday morning and as the day progressed it turned into a full period. What that means is that by the time my appointment rolls around on Monday I'll be at CD7 which means that I would be too late to start Clomid. Clomid usually has to be taken CD5-9. So basically I'd have to wait until my next cycle, or September to officially start Clomid. I was so upset last night when I realized this that I cried myself to sleep.
      I called my doctors office this morning right at 8 and talked to the nurse. I am currently waiting to hear back from them as she was going to ask my Doctor about my situation. I'm hoping that either they can just prescribe me Clomid early to start at CD5, and then I could still go to my appointment on Monday like planned, or that I could just get in earlier sometime this week!
      I will keep you all updated! Praying that this all works out for the best as I would hate to have to wait a whole extra cycle! I want to get this done!

Two Month Update

      Today marks two months of trying to lose weight. I will admit I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not going to blame it on excuses (though I do have some) because I know I didn't push myself 100%. To be honest, I am disappointed, but at the same time I'm proud of myself. The fact that I'm still going and pushing through the ups and downs is a big feat for me. Usually I stick to a diet for a week or so and then give up. This time I've stuck with it despite having taken a few days off here or there. So as of today I've lost 11.1 pounds and 18 inches. I still have a week before my doctors appointment to start Clomid and hope to lose a couple more pounds.
      I also have 10.5 weeks until we go home to MI for my BIL's wedding. I hope to lose a lot more pounds and inches before then. I've been looking at dresses for the rehearsal and wedding and am really hoping to lose enough weight to not feel like a whale in a dress. I want to feel comfortable and confidant and besides my wedding day, I don't think I've ever felt that way dressing up before.
      However, if I'm pregnant by then, then I won't care! I will be oh so happy! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I feel like we could be pregnant by then, or finding out around then. We shall see!
     

Fearfulness Over Next Pregnancy...

      So I'm weird and have a confession to make! When I'm bored I look up pregnancy announcements on youtube. And because of this addiction, I obsess over how I'm going to tell my hubby, and how we're going to share the news with our families! However, as we're getting closer to starting Clomid, I'm beginning to get fearful of our reactions and families reactions to a BFP. I know my husband will be happy and excited to find out we're pregnant again, but I also know that he will be worried and won't be able to really enjoy the pregnancy until we're at least past the second trimester mark. He's shared this with me before. Knowing this, I'm afraid it's going to affect my feelings towards a pregnancy. Not just that, but I know I am also going to be anxious the whole first trimester and will be worried to get too excited since the last two ended way too early. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
      When watching the youtube videos there are so many cute ones with grandma and grandpas to be screaming and crying and jumping up and down, and I want that. But I am also afraid our family will be scared to celebrate until we know we're in the clear. And I want to celebrate this pregnancy from day one! I don't want to be fearful and afraid of the worst possible outcome. I want to relish the fact that my baby is growing inside me. Will I be scared to really celebrate? How will my husband really react? Will our family act as excited and happy as the families in the videos?
      I also think that since everyone knows about our miscarriages, and everyone knows we're desperately trying for a baby, that everyone knows that a positive test and pregnancy are just around the corner. Maybe that will take away some of the surprise and excitement? I'm probably thinking too much into this. I know everyone in our family will be ecstatic as they've been waiting just as long as we have for us to have a baby. I just hope that this next pregnancy is everything we're expecting it to be; reactions from everyone, but more importantly full term and healthy!

1st Milestone Reached!

      Well, on my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight, I had mentioned wanting to be able to wear my wedding ring again! I can now check that off the list!! :) However, wearing my band with my engagement ring is still tight, so that will be my next goal. It doesn't help that I have short stubby fingers, so with the two rings together makes it really tight. I will be able to wear my set home for my BIL's wedding in October. However, when I told my hubby that was my goal, he said maybe I'll be able to, but I might be bloated by then, but could wear them on a chain around my neck. He gave me a big smile and wink! I hope we are pregnant by October!  I'm staying positive and have incredible faith that Clomid will work rather quickly, but realistically I also know it can take a few cycles. I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up!

14 Days!

      14 more days until my doctors appointment! I'm so impatient!! I don't know if I can handle these next two weeks! Ugh...

      

Gratefulness: What I've Grown To Appreciate About My TTC Journey

      I can’t even begin to explain the pain associated with loss and TTC; unless you've been through this you just don’t know. Sometimes the worst part about TTC is friends and families input, opinions, and feelings. I can’t tell you how many times friends or family have said “just relax, it’ll happen.” I know they’re not trying to be insensitive, and it’s probably true that that’s how’s it worked for them…but don’t you think we've tried that?! This process is not easy, and comments like that just seem to make it worse.
      The fact that after 20 months we still don't have a baby in our arms is honestly unbearable. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. However, going through this process has, in a sense, been a blessing in disguise. I've learned a lot about myself and my husband during this time; things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Despite the fact that I HATE TTC, I've grown to be grateful for the things I've gotten out of this journey [so far].

      I've learned so much about my husband and have grown to love him in a way I’d never experienced before. There is something so sweet and sexy about a man who cares about my period and doesn't mind talking about feminine issues. Yeah, that sounds weird, but it’s the truth. My husband doesn't find it gross when I talk about what kind of bleeding I’m having or how heavy it is. The fact that he knows when bleeding is expected and that he knows what makes me feel better or what my cravings are is so sweet. I don’t think he ever expected this, but given all of our complications with TTC and my complications with my menstrual cycle, this all has become normal to him. He doesn't mind going through all the steps to TTC, and that sex is now a chore instead of spontaneous and sexy like it used to be. 

      We've both also learned what we really want out of this. Sure, we want a happy, healthy baby, but we've learned more about what we want for our future and not just our immediate goal. For the longest time, I've been the one that's wanted the baby and big family. Initially, we started TTC because I couldn't wait anymore. He wanted a baby, but mostly because it was what I wanted. After having this extra time to contemplate a baby he's changed his mind a bit. It's no longer just me that wants a big family. He finally has said, on numerous occasions, how impatient he is for a baby and how badly he wants one, like yesterday.  And not only does he want our first baby, he is now thinking about babies two and three... We've been discussing a lot lately having a large family with 4+ kids and have been praying that financially we'll be able to afford as big of a family as God is willing to give us! I knew it was in his heart to be a daddy, but through this process his desires have changed and it makes me so happy.

      This process has brought my husband and I closer emotionally as well. We've always been best friends, partners, and lovers, but we've grown so much stronger. We are able to open up to each other like never before. I love that he's finally able to start expressing his emotions more and that he's able to read me better emotionally too. All around this process has transformed my husband into a real man; it has transformed our relationship and love into a heightened version of what it was before. For all of this, I am grateful.

      Financially, this whole TTC process can be draining and believe me we've noticed. All of the doctor visits, blood work and lab tests, OPKs and pregnancy tests, and medicine/vitamins add up. However, we've been able to start a baby savings account and slowly add to it since we have had so much time. Instead of just 9 months to plan for a baby, we've had 20 and counting. 

      The biggest pro to TTC for so long is the health aspect for my body. Sure, I should have really buckled down and started this weight loss journey before we initially started TTC, but I didn't, and am just now starting to change myself. I'm grateful that I have more time to work on my health and weight loss before having a belly, and a baby. Medically, there have been numerous health problems that I've encountered during this process and it's been scary. However, I'm so glad it took this process to really see how unhealthy I was. If we hadn't started TTC, I would never have had the blood work done to find out I was borderline diabetic and never would have started to change my health and lifestyle.

      I still wish we never would have had to travel down this path; I wish that our first pregnancy would have ended with a healthy baby instead of a miscarriage; I wish we would be planning a 1st birthday party for soon (our 1st due date was Aug 9, 2012)... Despite the pain and tears, I'm ultimately grateful for this journey. However, it's been long enough...time for a healthy pregnancy! Fingers Crossed!

Round 2...CD 10

      As you all know I started Progesterone. I took it for 14 days, then stopped for 14 days; and will repeat this cycle. During the 14 days off, I started my first period in FOREVER. I have bled on and off for more than a year, during this time there were days where I wondered if I was having a normal period. However, it never lasted and never got as heavy as my normal periods used to be, and there was no actual start or stop dates. But, progesterone helped as during my break I started a real cycle. 2 days of light spotting, then 5 days of a heavy period, then 1 day of spotting. I had cramps, cravings, and mood swings. I have never been so excited for a period in my life!!!! I just started back up on the next 14 days of progesterone. I also am starting today my OPKs to find out if this all has helped me start ovulating too.
      My dieting and exercising comes and goes. I have good days and then bad days. My problem is that I do really well for a few days and then just assume that it'll stick; that I'm all of a sudden a thin, healthy person that doesn't really need to try. I know it doesn't actually make sense, and I really wish it was that easy and fast. I think though that regardless of this half-hearted attempt at weight loss, it is working somewhat and I think that this eating better and moving more in general is aiding in returning to a normal cycle.

Readings

      I am in a TTC group on Facebook and a bunch of the women were talking about a conception reading they'd gotten. I ignored the posts at first because awhile back I got a psychic reading to find out when we'd get pregnant and found out we would have 3 boys and she gave me expected dates and everything. Well, the first date/baby has come and gone and obviously we have no baby. The psychic asked for names, dates of birth/ages, and any info on previous pregnancies or miscarriages. After giving all of the information, she said she "spoke" to our babies souls and they told her when they would be conceived and arrive and what sex they were. After the reading she gave me the information and that was that. I got excited about the prospective of having babies when she said and that I got a little closer to knowing the sex. However, I knew it wasn't all true. I believe in God, and I know He is in control. He is the one bestowing these beautiful blessings on us and I know in His time we'll physically receive them. But, impatient me wanted more answers, hence turning to the psychic.
      So this time, when the women were talking about tarot readings I was again skeptical. However, I feel like lately I've been losing hope in the whole situation. And to be honest, I knew getting a reading would give me some of that back. That I would be able to stress less and just enjoy this process I'm going through right now with weight loss. It'd be nice to know that this journey with getting healthy is going somewhere and that it will be all worth it because at the end I will be a mother. I know I know this. Like I said, I believe in God. In His time, I will be a mother. However, I am still super impatient and didn't think getting a reading would hurt anything. I paid the $2.50 and waited for my answers.
      This was my reading....
      
"...Your cards show conception (or getting your first positive pregnancy test) around Oct. 13 - Nov. 12. 

 

Your cards show if you are under a doctors' care, to trust that the healers in your life are there for a reason. There is potential for good health news if you are waiting on test results, for example.

 

Your reading shows a reminder to treat your body with care and compassion. Pay attention to what you are putting into your body and how you are surrounding yourself. Spending time with people you love and who love you will relax you and this will help, especially now.

 

I wish you good health and happiness!

Grace M."

 

      All this lady needed was my name and date of birth...none of the other information that the psychic needed. And I was super surprised that she touched on my weight loss journey a bit. How did she know?! If I am being honest, this reading gave me a lot of hope. I start clomid soon and have always felt that we'd get pregnant right away. If this reading is accurate, we will start Clomid in August and could conceive on the first or second cycle of it! I honestly thought that that is how it would happen. I hope the reading is right; that my thoughts were right. I still pray every single day that we will finally receive a beautiful baby soon. I still have all of my faith and trust in God. I have no doubts that we will be pregnant soon!

Stuggling...

      Well, I've still been struggling to get back into my fitness routine. I also had my weigh-in on Monday and I gained 3 inches back but lost .3 pounds. Woohoo...not! Yesterday I also hit my 1st month anniversary of my weight loss journey. Even with this past weigh-in's poor results, I've lost 16.5 inches and 8 pounds in my first month!! I know I am on the right track to making me a better woman, wife, and [future] mother. I am going to kick things into gear like you wouldn't believe starting...NOW! I also decided that I am going to reread The Emotional Diet book as it really helped kick start my journey initially.
      One of the things that has aided in my lack of gym time is my foot. I have been having really bad pain in my right heel...I did some research online and also talked to my friend who is a physical therapist (Thank God for his constant help) and have what is called Plantar Fasciitis. I had been doing a 5k almost everyday for awhile so walking/jogging on it often and being obese has caused this condition. I have been using a frozen water bottle, rolling it under my foot as a ice massage. That helps a lot. It also doesn't help that I have flat feet, so I'm going to invest in inserts for my shoes.
      Oh, and a little update on my sprained ankle...it really hasn't bothered me since I initially hurt it. The bruising is very minimal and pretty much gone. The swelling is gone for the most part, unless I've been on it for awhile then it starts to swell up, like after the gym. However, I have noticed that the last few nights I've woken up in pain because my foot was stretched weird in my sleep. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but when it wakes me up I do notice that my foot is stretched out, like overextended, so I just fix the position and relax and the pain goes away!
      Another thing that is also keeping me from the gym lately is this stupid nausea! It comes and goes everyday. I'm getting really sick of it. Ginger ale is my new best friend!
      Anyway, enough of the negativity. Things change now; I'm going to go back to just pushing through the pain. Wish me luck!