Weighing Our Options

      The husband and I have been discussing and researching foster care a lot lately. Like A. LOT. We've even contacted a local agency with questions, so we'll see where that goes. Ultimately, if we decide to go ahead with this, we'd like to do foster care to eventually adopt. This would be the best way to go about adoption as far as finances are concerned, but emotionally, I think it'll be much more difficult. 

      In fact, I think I'm finally being honest with myself, and acknowledging that this isn't going to be as easy as we'd like. Throughout this research process, I have read countless articles, blog posts, and reviews, about how difficult foster care can be. I feel like I have a good grasp on both sides of the issue; all of the negatives and positives that come with foster care. However, with that said, my husband and I still constantly see this as only being a positive thing. Honestly, the way I see this going is that we'll sign up, get approved, get a baby/toddler, and within a year, we'll be able to legally adopt them. Boom. Done. 

      I KNOW THAT IT WON'T BE THAT EASY!! Like I said, realistically, that's not how it's going to happen. What if the parents fight hard to get the kid back? What if I become so attached, and then lose them? My heart is so big; I fall in love quickly and fall fast! I know before the dream of finalizing an adoption there is bound to be heartbreak! We could possibly go through a few kids before we get THE ONE. I just don't know if I can handle that! I want it to be easy and quick so that we can be parents.

      My other concern is that from the first meeting to the time we get approved, it could be a short two to three month process and we could have a child with us. I know that the soonest information meeting isn't until the end of April (2 months away). By the time the training, classes, and paperwork are finalized, and we get a child, it would be summer June/July. And our goal was, and still is, to lose enough weight so that we can resume TTC around June. So what happens if we sign up for foster care, get a child in June, start TTC also in June, and then become pregnant in the next few months; or would be have to push TTC back yet again? Could we handle our first full term (hopefully) pregnancy with a toddler/little kid running around? Could we handle being first time biological parents with foster kids potentially coming in and out of our home? Could we handle going through an adoption process with a baby? My husband says yes to all of those concerns. He has full faith in us. I suppose I do as well, but it is scary. 

      So many questions, concerns, and fears...We are praying like crazy about this; praying for an answer as to what to do! In the meantime, we are continuing our research and gathering information, so that we can make an informed, smart decision. 

Emotional Day

      As you know, I struggled a lot this week with poor diet and cravings. I was so positive and happy the week we juiced and then afterwards went back to my old eating habits...what kind of sense does that make?! It doesn't! So today, my husband and I went shopping to Costco, Walmart, and the local Farmers Market to buy veggies and fruit for another full week of juicing! Tomorrow, we are doing a colon cleanse before we start juicing on Monday. (Today, is a free day as we went out for breakfast and are going to a friends house for a belated birthday dinner and dessert for me!)
      Anyway, while we were out running errands I was on facebook in the car and posted there was news of a birth. An old friend of ours had their baby boy this morning. I am happy for them, really I am, but I am so jealous! In between running errands, I'd cry in the car. My husband couldn't understand why I was so upset as I 'knew she was pregnant for the last 6 months"!
      The reason is simply because I'm just so mad at myself. For the last two plus years, nothing has changed. If anything, things physically have gotten worse...at least in the beginning of our TTC journey we were able to get pregnant twice. In that time, I've lost two babies, things have changed with our friendship with those friends which ultimately resulted in us no longer hanging out, and they got to have a baby! We are still in the same situation, and it's all my fault. It's my fault that I've gained weight or at least haven't lost weight. It's my fault that I can't and don't ovulate. It's my fault that the medicines haven't worked. And it's my fault that my body just plainly sucks! In two years, they've moved on, and we're stuck baby-less and in the same exact situation! It's just not fair!
      I was still feeling sorry for myself as we got home. However, my spirits were raised when I checked the mail! We received a new letter from our sponsor child. Reading it made me cry some more. Not only is he such a sweet boy, but it made me realize something... Things have changed in that time. I have grown tremendously with Christ and I am a better Christian woman. That in and of itself is worth it! I feel like God put that letter in the mail for us to receive today when I was feeling down. He is so good!!!
      And ya know what? I am trying to change things...I have been the last two years! I may be on and off with my dieting; I may fail and have to start back up again, but, ultimately, I have not given up! I won't give up until I am finally able to love my body and have my body work correctly for me!

...Opposite of Success?! Ugh...

     Well, I did really well, until I stopped juicing...And now, I've been craving (and giving in to them) fast food, junk, chocolate...and you better believe I've gained back some weight!
     WHY IS DIETING SO DIFFICULT FOR ME?
     I HATE IT! And right now...I sorta hate me! I feel like a failure!
     How could last week I feel so accomplished, successful, invincible, energized, motivated, organized...and this week, I am failing at everything, completely lazy, and unhappy?! AHHH...
      I know a diet doesn't have to start on a Monday...but I can't wait for this week to be over so that I can regroup!

Success

   Well, detoxing has been going great! I ended up juicing this past Tuesday through Friday! Didn't quite make it the 5 days like planned, but with Valentine's Day yesterday there were too many temptations. Tonight we are ordering pizza, renting a redbox, and snuggling in to celebrate (I worked last night). However, both mine and my husband's plan is to continue juicing regularly. I want to do it a minimum of one meal a day, and will do a 4-5 day detox monthly.
      I've been feeling very motivated and energized this week. Today, on the way to work this morning, I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio and have had it stuck in my head since! Honestly, I think God put it there right then for me to hear and be reminded of this morning. This newfound attitude honestly has got me feeling like I am strong enough to do anything. But really, I need to remember that I'm not always relying on my own strength but on Jesus'...I can only continue these recent successes with Him. Anyway, I thought I'd share the song with you! :)

Detoxing

      I'm not only trying to lose weight and get healthy in that way, but I'm also trying to detox my body from chemicals and nasty toxins!

What am I doing for detox?

1. Eating more raw and organic foods; also following these guidelines:
• One serving of dairy a day
• One serving of grain a day
• Less sugar
• Less processed foods/snacks
2. I'm on day 6 of the "No Poo" hair method- Check it out here...my hair currently looks nasty! But, I've almost completed my first full week of shampoo detox; hopefully another week will be all I need!
3. I've started Oil Pulling- Check that out here...I don't notice anything from this, and to be honest, I probably only do it every other day, because I'm just forgetful! 
4. I've stopped any and all unnecessary skincare...No more lotions/moisturizers, minimal makeup but mostly days of no makeup (eventually I'll go out and buy all new makeup, more organic and less harsh chemical ingredients), and once my deodorant is gone (which will be soon) I plan on making my own
5. Next week, when I go get more groceries, I plan on juicing to detox my body as well. Last time I tried this I only lasted two days, I'm going to attempt at least 5 days! Wish me luck... :/

      I think that is all as far as detoxing and attempting to get healthy goes! Thursday evening I developed some kind of virus, which includes throwing up! NOT. FUN. Still suffering with it today! However, because of this, I am now currently down 15.9 pounds! Again though, I must mention, it's not because I've actually been trying! One sickness after another has helped me lose that weight...but I don't care, I will take it and run with it! Okay, maybe not run...hahaha!

      Also, another development...we've now officially paid off TWO credit cards!!!! Woohoo! We just got our tax refund back which is why we were able to pay off the second card and a $1000 chunk to our third card! We have $6611.32 left of credit card debt to pay in the next 8.5 months! We shall see how this goes! 

      

Happy Birthday to ME!

      It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
      No...not really going to cry! Things have been going pretty well! This cycle on BC was a success and my period should be starting soon! It felt wonderful to not have to wear a pad this whole month!! FINALLY!
      I just got over a sinus and ear infection, even though my ear still feels like it needs to pop or something. And I had an allergic reaction to something this weekend and developed itchy hives all over my body. My hands were extremely swollen and painful! I took lots of benadryl and then just rested lots. Today, I'm still a little itchy, especially my palms, but the hives are minimal and the pain and swelling are gone!
      I haven't been doing wonderful with my diet and exercising, but I haven't given up. In my first month, I lost 8.8lbs and 4.5 inches. That's pretty good considering I wasn't really trying! I figure, I can lose more pounds and inches this month if I commit to going to the gym more and eating better! Being sick last month for over two weeks really helped me lose some weight just because I didn't have much of an appetite, but because of this I also didn't go to gym all but a handful of times! I will do better this month!
      I am officially 26 today! I am still surprised that I'm not a mother yet! I thought and had planned to be a mother by 23! It's days like today that are bittersweet! How grateful I am to have made it to my 26th year; my God is great! But, today I also realize I'm getting older and things still aren't working out in our favor in the baby area! Oh well, maybe this will finally be the year!
      My husband is taking me to my favorite restaurant for dinner tonight, Red Lobster! I can't wait!! Going to enjoy the rest of my birthday! :)