As you know, I struggled a lot this week with poor diet and cravings. I was so positive and happy the week we juiced and then afterwards went back to my old eating habits...what kind of sense does that make?! It doesn't! So today, my husband and I went shopping to Costco, Walmart, and the local Farmers Market to buy veggies and fruit for another full week of juicing! Tomorrow, we are doing a colon cleanse before we start juicing on Monday. (Today, is a free day as we went out for breakfast and are going to a friends house for a belated birthday dinner and dessert for me!)
Anyway, while we were out running errands I was on facebook in the car and posted there was news of a birth. An old friend of ours had their baby boy this morning. I am happy for them, really I am, but I am so jealous! In between running errands, I'd cry in the car. My husband couldn't understand why I was so upset as I 'knew she was pregnant for the last 6 months"!
The reason is simply because I'm just so mad at myself. For the last two plus years, nothing has changed. If anything, things physically have gotten worse...at least in the beginning of our TTC journey we were able to get pregnant twice. In that time, I've lost two babies, things have changed with our friendship with those friends which ultimately resulted in us no longer hanging out, and they got to have a baby! We are still in the same situation, and it's all my fault. It's my fault that I've gained weight or at least haven't lost weight. It's my fault that I can't and don't ovulate. It's my fault that the medicines haven't worked. And it's my fault that my body just plainly sucks! In two years, they've moved on, and we're stuck baby-less and in the same exact situation! It's just not fair!
I was still feeling sorry for myself as we got home. However, my spirits were raised when I checked the mail! We received a new letter from our sponsor child. Reading it made me cry some more. Not only is he such a sweet boy, but it made me realize something... Things have changed in that time. I have grown tremendously with Christ and I am a better Christian woman. That in and of itself is worth it! I feel like God put that letter in the mail for us to receive today when I was feeling down. He is so good!!!
And ya know what? I am trying to change things...I have been the last two years! I may be on and off with my dieting; I may fail and have to start back up again, but, ultimately, I have not given up! I won't give up until I am finally able to love my body and have my body work correctly for me!
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