HAPPY Easter!

      I'm 97.99% certain that I'm ovulating!! WOOHOO!! Finally...it's been over a year now! I didn't expect to be ovulating this soon after starting metformin, but it looks like it's helping! I thought I had a period this month, and counted the cycle and it was 29 days (28 days is the average for most women) so that was right on track...however, it only lasted really, really heavy for 2 days and then was gone. So I was a bit confused as to if it was a period or not. However, this would be the time I'd be ovulating, assuming it was a period. I am having cramping and pain in my right ovary, so that is a sign. And I'm having extreme cervical mucus! Also, another sign since I haven't had it like this, like I said, in over a year! I think, if this month we don't get a BFP, then I'll for sure get OPKs for next month! Feeling really excited and staying positive! I'm going to try my best not to obsess over it like I have in the past..if it happens, GREAT; but if not, then we'll just try again next month.
     In the meantime, I'm still going to focus my time and energy on losing weight, exercising, and getting healthy. This past week I did incredible with my diet...yes, I am bragging! And have been keeping up with the exercise and enjoying the gym. I hurt my knee last week, and it's still bugging me, especially in the gym. I'm just pushing through some of the pain, and then resting it when I can. It bugs me the most when I'm on the treadmill, especially if I try jogging, so I'm doing more elliptical for now. Another minor setback is that I have been bleeding again after a heavy workout! It happened twice this week; lasted for a day and then is gone. I'm definitely going to have to ask my doctor about this again.
      Anyway, HAPPY EASTER! Off to church to celebrate! :)

Prayer

      I have a pocket prayer book that my little sister bought me. She had randomly turned to a page in the book store and instantly thought the prayer fit me perfectly. And it did. Basically, it was about struggling with something you want but that isn't in God’s plan right now for you. My sister sent it down to me last summer and since then I have randomly been flipping through it myself and finding extreme comfort in it. I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful and caring sister, despite how we might drive each other crazy every now and then. ;)

      Anyway, one of the prayers that has really been on my heart this past weekend was one about facing challenges. If you've read my last post, or any of them for that matter, you’ll know I indeed struggle and face challenges with my weight and fertility on a daily basis. Most days, I feel like I get completely knocked down again and again. Like nothing I do is right; or maybe that it is, but I’m not necessarily strong enough to stick with it. It is beyond frustrating.

      Part of the prayer goes like this… “May the struggles I face cause me to follow your leading into uncharted waters, and may I learn to trust you more and more. Then I know I will be accomplishing your unique purpose for me. Thank you for showing me that it is often through challenges that you make your plan clear to me.”

(Beers, Ronald A. 365 Pocket Prayers. Tyndale House Publishers Inc, 2010. Print.)

      I am constantly praying and talking with God more and more lately. When I feel anxious, or weak, or when I need more motivation in the gym, and especially when I’m feeling jealous, I say a quick prayer. It instantly calms me. I’m also feeling a whole lot better about my situation because of this communication with God. Before I had lost faith, and would constantly worry that I would never have a baby; that God wasn't going to allow that. But now, I feel a sense of peace when I think about my future. I can’t even begin to express how much prayer has helped me these last couple months. I feel like I can focus on myself, with becoming healthy and losing weight, and that with time, in God’s time, I will get pregnant and have beautiful babies.

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” 1 Chronicles 28: 20

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible for people is possible with God.’” Luke 18: 27

[MY] Ten Reasons for Losing Weight

      So I just started a new book on my kindle called 100 Days of Weight Loss: The Secret To Being Successful on Any Diet Plan. Right now I've just started the sample, and I’m not very far into it. If I enjoy it and stick with it for a week I will end up buying it, but right now I’m not sure how I’ll like it. Anyway, the reason I’m bringing this up is because it suggests that you write down at least 10 reasons why you want to lose weight. So I decided to start a list.

1. (Obviously) to help with my fertility issues, conception, and ultimately have babies...at least 3 to be exact, but for now we'll just work on having baby #1.
2. To be able to wear my wedding rings again. It has been a LONG time since I've worn them and I miss them. My husband did such a good job picking my set out and I desperately want to wear them again to show them off!
3. To have my sex drive back. Even though we are trying for a baby, we really don’t have a lot of sex, at least not like we used to. I hate my body and that affects everything in the bedroom.
4. To get rid of my depression and anxiety, and finally feel like my old self in social situations. My anxiety, especially, is closely related to my weight…my anxiety spikes in certain situations because of my body. For example, when I see old friends I get extremely anxious because I don’t want them to see me like I am now. Or meeting new people, because I’m afraid they’ll judge me too quickly because of my weight. Or going on an airplane because I’m terrified I won’t fit in the seat right and will have to ask for a seat belt extender. Or going to a water park because I’m afraid, because of my weight, that I will not fit down the slide, or pop an inner tube. Because of these fears, I try to avoid these situations where my anxiety is going to act up. I try my best to make plans with friends or plan different and new date ideas with my hubby, but most of the time I end up canceling or making up some excuse to get out of them because of this horrible anxiety due to my weight.
5. To improve my energy for my daycare kiddos. I love my kids dearly, but they sure do tire me out! I enjoy being lazy, but that’s not exactly an option with my kids who are 2 and 9 months old. There are times when I feel really guilty because I feel like I can’t do an activity with them because of my weight. Lately, this has been getting better, thankfully. But previously, the 2 year old and I would be outside playing and he’d want me to run with him. Well I obviously get tired before he does and stop and then end up telling him that I’ll just watch him. It’s not fair to him, and I hate that I can’t always join in. Like I said though, lately things have been different. I have been making myself run around with him more. I've been enjoying teaching him soccer when we have nice enough weather to go outside. I don’t mind getting tired out, in fact, I’m enjoying it because I know it’s good for me and something I need to be doing to improve my health. He is ecstatic to be racing me and learning how to kick the ball. I want more of this!
6. To be more adventurous, active, and to be more willing to try new things. I have a bucket list of things I’d like to try, but don’t because of my weight…and maybe finances! My husband and I have made a list of different things we want to start doing this summer. Examples: hiking in the Shenandoah Valley, FINALLY pumping up our bike tires and going on bike rides, going bowling (OK, I've been bowling before, plenty of times, but we don’t really go anymore, kind of goes back to how I avoid social situations)…or even places we want to go this summer; to Kings Dominion amusement park and to DC to name a couple. We are going on vacation in May with some friends of ours that moved to FL last year. We rented a cabin in the Smokey Mountains! I am super excited, but have a lot of anxiety about trying new things, like white water rafting. I also would love to do a zip line that they have in the mountains, but right now I weigh too much and can’t. Unfortunately, it’s not even possible to lose enough weight by May to go on it.
7. To fit into smaller sized clothes and be able to enjoy shopping again. And more specifically, to be able to enjoy and fit into jeans again. I HATE wearing jeans because they’re so restricting, especially with my weight. Thankfully, since I play with little kids all day, it’s acceptable for me to wear sweats to work! But I miss being able to dress nice and feel comfortable. Now, whenever I have to dress nicely, for a date, to church, or to any other event, I wear them and quickly come home and change because I hate feeling uncomfortable for too long. Yet another reason why I get anxiety and try to avoid social situations, because in social situations I have to dress nicely, and it’s so hard to find something to wear that I like and that fits me right.
8. To be able to promote a healthy lifestyle for my future kids and to be able to be their role model. Ideally, I will lose as much weight as possible and have a routine with workouts and the gym that I can stick with, as well as a healthy diet, all before I have kids. So that when they come, they are automatically born into a healthy and active environment; so that they grow up that way. My hubby and I were both raised in households where we ate out or had fast food a few days a week. I don’t want to raise my kids like that. It’s also important to me to lose the weight before I have kids because I don’t want them to be embarrassed of me when they’re growing up. I was never embarrassed of my parent’s weights, but my sister was always embarrassed of my dad’s size while she was in high school. She was rude and disrespectful to him because of it (don’t get me wrong, I was disrespectful to my dad as well in HS, like most teenage girls, but not because of his weight, because he was my dad and a little dorky. Sorry dad.)
9. To help with our finances. If I were to lose weight and stick with dieting, we wouldn't eat out as much as we used to, especially at fast food places, therefore we’d save money that way. Also, I wouldn't have to buy as many sugary and processed snack foods at the grocery store. Not to mention, there’d be no long term health issues related to obesity if I lost weight, which would mean not as many doctor visits and medication, which, again, would save us money.
10. To change how I feel about myself. I want to be able to feel confident and sexy. I want to look in the mirror and smile. I want to be able to believe my husband when he pays me a compliment instead of rolling my eyes at him because I think he’s lying. I want to feel like the old me; the girl that actually loved herself.

      I'm sure there are MANY, MANY more reasons! The last time I truly loved myself, inside and out was 5 years ago! I had done weight watchers and lost a good amount of weight. I was down to the mid 170's! I realize that is still overweight, but I felt beautiful and confident and I looked great! I am right now at the biggest I've ever been, and no, I won't say what that number is! I have a drastic way to go to even reach that 175 mark!

HUGE difference :(

      The last time I posted, I mentioned how happy I was. Well, things feel differently now. I'm still enjoying the gym which is good. But, when I get home from work, I dread going, and I whine and beg my husband to not make us go. Then, I get to the gym and I LOVE IT! Probably in part to the C4 I take on the way to the gym! That stuff is magic! Anyway, my diet is suffering. I can't seem to stick with it. I do really good for a a few days and then go back to my old ways; back and forth! I lose a pound, then gain it back; lose two pounds, then gain them back. It is extremely frustrating! I know that this whole diet thing is what is killing me. I'm just having a difficult time staying with it, I don't know why! All the progress I do in the gym is usually undone by dinner the next day; so my workouts are pretty much useless at this point, no matter how much I'm enjoying them. UGH!!!

HAPPY!

      Hello all!

      Things have been going really good! My energy is constantly up and I’m really enjoying my workouts! I've still been eating a lot better and have lost a couple more pounds!

      Pretty sure my new medicine is helping with the bleeding issues, because I haven’t really bleed since the last week in February…hoping I’m not jinxing myself! I did bleed this week after an O, however, the reason why I’m happy about this is because it was only the one time, not every time, and it was a lot lighter than it had been in the past! So things are improving!

      I’m feeling really positive and emotionally strong! :)

Enjoyment

      My in-laws are here on vacation for the week. Yesterday we all went to an indoor water park! I had been nervous prior to this week, knowing that we were going. It’s the whole being-in-a-swim-suit thing that made me feel anxious. However, I noticed that my anxiety about the situation wasn't as strong as it would have been previously since I've been on anxiety meds. They’re working! I went to the water park with the mentality that I was going to have fun no matter what! Who cares how fat I may look in my suit, I could still enjoy myself. And I did just that! It helped that I had my husband with me the whole time, holding my hand; sharing an inner tube with me…we had a blast. I also noticed, that a majority of people at the park were overweight…it’s definitely an epidemic, which is extremely sad! We also got a good workout in because the steps to go up to the water slides were massive…tired me out for sure! 

      Anyway, we'll be going back one evening this week and I plan to have just as much fun and not worry about my body. I deserve to enjoy myself. I hate that I can't completely love my body, especially in a bathing suit, but someday I will get there. For now, I can only try and stay positive.

Ultrasound & Appointment

      Well I had my doctor’s appointment today. The ultrasound looked relatively normal. I have a small cyst on my left ovary, but that’s not concerning. I guess my uterus is slightly heart shaped, but she said it’s again nothing to be concerned about and shouldn't cause a problem with fertility. The technician and my doctor said that my uterus didn't look like a “normal” uterus for a woman with PCOS. Not all women with PCOS have the same uterus or appearance, but there are certain characteristics that are noticeably different or visible in women with PCOS. For example, the lining is normally thicker in women with PCOS, and mine was thinner, which is good. Also, to be clear, they said that looking at the ultrasound they might see characteristics of PCOS, but the blood tests might say otherwise, or vice versa; the blood tests may say PCOS but the ultrasound might not show those characteristics. It’s different for every woman, but generally, they can see PCOS in an ultrasound, and they didn't see it with me. Which my doctor said coincides with my blood work results because I am just borderline PCOS.

      So, since my ultrasound came back fine, there is still no real answer for what is going on. Why am I still bleeding every day? Why haven’t I had a normal menstrual cycle in about a year? We did discuss that obviously my weight is a factor and I just have to keep working on that. But she made me feel a little better by telling me not to blame myself about my weight because even if lost a bunch of weight, or was at a normal weight to begin with, I could still possibly have a fertility issue. I knew this, but it made me feel better to hear her say it.

      I had two options after today. One…to continue Metformin for a couple more months and see if that helps me ovulate and regulate. She said Metformin has also helped women with their cycles, and she thinks it could help me normalize. It can take up to two to three months to help with that though, so I’d have to wait until May to see if has helped with my cycle. Or, two…start Provera and/or Clomid. Provera is used to induce a period, and Clomid induces ovulation. I decided that I would stick with Metformin until May and see if that helps on its own and if not, then start either or both Provera and Clomid. She suggested that my husband get tested just to make sure there is nothing wrong on his end also. So, he’ll be doing that in the next month or so too.

      There you have it; that’s where we are with things. Why can’t making a baby be easy for us? We spent years being careful and using birth control, praying we wouldn't accidentally get pregnant and now when we want to get pregnant we can’t?! It just isn't fair!