Put Yourself In My Shoes

      I’m sorry for complaining so much. I realize that this is probably annoying to some of you. However, put yourself in my shoes. I know there are many couples out there also trying to conceive and for them, my heart hurts because I know how it feels. For me though I’m technically not able to conceive because I’m not ovulating. (I’m pretty certain now that last month was a fluke.) I was bleeding for 8 days; it stopped for one and half days, and then started back up again. This morning it is VERY heavy; lots of clotting and cramping too.

      My heart is yelling at me…I WANT a baby! I NEED a baby! I CRAVE a baby! I YEARN for a baby!

      My head is telling me…be patient; God knows what He is doing!

      My body is…BLEEDING! ALL THE TIME!

      I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t understand still why I’m bleeding all the time.

      So, while you may be annoyed at my constant complaining, just imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine you have this intense desire for something; something you've wished for as long as you can remember. Imagine the disappointment and frustration you’d face month after month if that “thing” wasn't happening. You would feel hurt, confused, and sad all the time too.

      I’m sick of feeling defeated and depressed! Prayers are much appreciated! 

We're Stuck!

      So here is what I've been struggling with for a while…I feel stuck. We have 27 days until our second wedding anniversary, May 15^th. We both feel like we should be in a different place right now. We should be moving on to a next step, but we are still feeling like we’re stuck in this young newlywed phase where our future is unknown. We are desperately ready for that next step. For us, we see that step being one of two things…either buying a house and settling down, or having a baby and becoming parents. Neither is an option.

      My husband will start applying soon for a new job, which means we’re not sure how much longer we’ll be in Virginia, nor do we know where we’ll be going next. That means that buying a house and actually settling down is not an option. My brother-in-law and his fiancé are getting married in October, and they are already looking for a house. I feel really jealous. We should be at the point where we are done renting, but unfortunately that’s not happening. I am obsessed with HGTV and have many ideas for our future home, and I want to be nesting! It sucks.

      And as far as having a baby goes…well, that’s not happening either, obviously. I have this newfound faith and peace with God about the situation, but it doesn't mean that I want a baby any less. There was no BFP this cycle, and I've been bleeding now for 7 days. I’m not entirely sure it’s a period either… I've had a lot of random bleeding over the past year and this bleeding right now is very similar, which makes me think it’s not a period. I just don’t know. But I did get an OPK for this month so we’ll see if I ovulate this cycle for sure.

      So…we’re stuck. We both feel like we should be taking the next step in our relationship and marriage, but unfortunately we can’t. I guess I just have to see where God is taking us, but I hope He knows how impatient I am!

Mind Games

      I hate when you think you're pregnant, everything seems to be lining up and then you get that BFN!!! AF is due Sunday and I swore I'd be getting a positive test already! I have very light and minimal spotting, sore nipples, bigger and darker areolas, nausea, and more trips to the bathroom, especially in the middle of the night! Maybe I'll test again if AF doesn't show this weekend, but if I'm not pregnant, are all those symptoms in my mind? Do I want to be pregnant so bad that mentally I'm tricking myself into thinking I am pregnant?! Ugh!! I know all of you TTC can relate to this!

Bowling & Bleeding

      Yesterday was my husband’s 26^th birthday! We intended to go hiking, but the forecast was calling for rain so we went bowling instead. We had so much fun! When I was younger, my family went bowling every Sunday morning. My parents were always on bowling leagues so I've spent a lot of time in bowling alleys. I used to be decent, but yesterday I did horrible! I think we’re going to have to start going more regularly.

      So I mentioned that I thought I ovulated around Easter, and I still think I did…but since then I have been bleeding again every day, on and off. I did some research and found some women have mid-cycle bleeding, which signifies ovulation. It can last for a few hours or a few days. However, I read that it usually tends to be browner in color, and mine was definitely red, and like a light period; like how my bleeding always is. Yesterday it finally stopped…who knows what is going on yet again! I still have about a week until my next period should technically be due. I’m interested to see what happens then; if I start one or if the whole normal cycle thing was a fluke last month. I am starting to get hopeful, because my nipples are so tender and sore; literally killing me. Not sure if this is a sign that my period may be coming or maybe something else!?! Time will tell! I’m trying to remain patient and thankfully haven’t been obsessing over it like before.

Comfort

      I found extreme comfort in this today! I still struggle with the fact that I've had miscarriages... I continue to wonder and daydream about what it would have been like had those babies survived. It still hurts tremendously to think about the loss. However, knowing that my babies are in Heaven with Jesus, healthy and happy, gives me some peace. It is also comforting to be able to trust in the fact that I will see them again someday; I look forward to it!