I am so happy to report that yesterday my husband and I started a new class at church. It is called "Basic Training: Getting Established in the Essentials of Following Jesus"! This is a ten week course, and at first that sounded really daunting, however, I am soooo excited! I think it is something we need. Jesus has saved me, and my heart has changed drastically in the last few weeks, but I still feel stupid when it comes to Christianity. Because of that, I tend to hold back instead of jumping in wholeheartedly and sharing my love for the Lord.
Let me explain, I grew up Catholic; I even went to a Catholic school from 5th to 7th grade. I enjoyed many things about St. John Vianney {GO COMETS} but I never got into Catholicism. I always felt like it wasn't for me; I felt like I was forced into it by my parents. Because of those feelings, I never took religion class or mass seriously. I never tried to learn the Bible. Finally, in high school, my parents allowed me to branch out and I started searching for my place. I went to a different church every Sunday with each of my friends, and while I liked most of the services more than mass, it wasn't enough to make me committed. In college, a friend of mine got me involved in a Christian group on campus and I enjoyed it, but mostly for the social aspect. However, after freshman year, that friend and I started to grow apart and in turn I stopped going to group. I met my husband right before sophomore year of college and knowing he grew up religious I tried to follow him and take part in religion mostly to impress him or make him happy. It never felt real. Then, we moved to VA, got married, and felt alone down here so we jumped into the first church we were invited to. At first I enjoyed it, but again it was mostly for the social aspect. That quickly faded and we stopped going. With all that experimenting and testing the waters here and there, I never tried to learn; I never read the Bible; I never committed to it.
What is different this time? LOTS! After this two year journey with TTC, everything changed for me. I am finally to the place I need to be to accept the Lord. My faith had been tested over and over again; I realized it probably was never there to begin with. And this time, we went to church for us to find what we've been missing and searching for. And it's been AMAZING!
Anyway, I just wanted to share because I am so excited about this new class, and church, and all I'm learning about my faith and myself!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
My Theme Song
This is the theme song for my life right now. Every time I hear it, I feel like I can do anything or get over any hurdle I'm struggling with!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Clarification
After I posted my last post I had two people ask if everything was okay in my relationship with my husband. When I said we needed to work on us, I was referring to our lifestyle- losing weight, getting out of debt, and working on our faith. Our marriage is perfectly fine, and never better to be honest.
I am extremely obese and if I don't work on changing this now, I never will. Also, if I were to lose significant weight, TTC would be so much easier. I need to lose weight, but I am more looking forward to changing my relationship with food and just getting healthier. I want to transform my body into something I can be proud of instead of something I am embarrassed and ashamed of. My husband also needs to lose weight and change his relationship with food too.
We are in quite a bit of credit card debt, and school loan debt, and are trying to work our way out of it. However, these past two months we've spent over $300 per cycle on Clomid. That extra money should have gone towards our debt to make things less tight for us. We desperately would like to eliminate at least half of our credit card debt by the time we get pregnant. I know that if we had gotten pregnant this cycle or before, we would have made it financially; but instead of spending money how we wanted, like spoiling our new baby, we'd still be working on getting out of debt. So I think taking a break would be a good idea even if it just gives us a few extra months to focus on getting rid of some debt.
As you know from reading my posts, I have struggled greatly with my faith because I'm not able to fathom what we're going through. We had stopped going to church and started to believe that God was against us; that He was doing this to us because He didn't want us to be happy. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I'm still not sure on why we have been put on this TTC journey, but now instead of questioning it, I remind myself that God has a plan. For the last month we have been going to, and enjoying, a new church in our town. I can't even express to you the changes I'm noticing in myself. In fact, today we had Tony Nolan speak at service and by the end of the service I had recommitted my life to God. And for the first time...EVER, I did this publicly! I raised my hand when asked if I had committed my life to God today; I walked down front with a bunch of other people to be prayed over and cheered for by fellow church members; and I ended the service talking to and praying with a few other women. It was beyond wonderful. I can now honestly say that I read my Bible daily and that it is transforming my life in a way I never thought possible. I have been on such a heartbreaking journey these past two years and I had given up; but now...I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to put all of my faith in the Lord and wait for his plan to be unveiled. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Anyway, so that's why we're taking a break from TTC. We will take a few months off at the very least to focus on these three areas. I'm praying that we can make progress with each of these soon so that we can pick up TTC again. I'm not going to enjoy taking a break. Two of the moms I do daycare for had their baby girls this weekend, and as happy as I am, and as much as I already love them, my heart is a little sad because I want my own baby! I wish I was a patient person. But, at least I can still get my baby fix with these two babies until it's my turn.
I am extremely obese and if I don't work on changing this now, I never will. Also, if I were to lose significant weight, TTC would be so much easier. I need to lose weight, but I am more looking forward to changing my relationship with food and just getting healthier. I want to transform my body into something I can be proud of instead of something I am embarrassed and ashamed of. My husband also needs to lose weight and change his relationship with food too.
We are in quite a bit of credit card debt, and school loan debt, and are trying to work our way out of it. However, these past two months we've spent over $300 per cycle on Clomid. That extra money should have gone towards our debt to make things less tight for us. We desperately would like to eliminate at least half of our credit card debt by the time we get pregnant. I know that if we had gotten pregnant this cycle or before, we would have made it financially; but instead of spending money how we wanted, like spoiling our new baby, we'd still be working on getting out of debt. So I think taking a break would be a good idea even if it just gives us a few extra months to focus on getting rid of some debt.
As you know from reading my posts, I have struggled greatly with my faith because I'm not able to fathom what we're going through. We had stopped going to church and started to believe that God was against us; that He was doing this to us because He didn't want us to be happy. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I'm still not sure on why we have been put on this TTC journey, but now instead of questioning it, I remind myself that God has a plan. For the last month we have been going to, and enjoying, a new church in our town. I can't even express to you the changes I'm noticing in myself. In fact, today we had Tony Nolan speak at service and by the end of the service I had recommitted my life to God. And for the first time...EVER, I did this publicly! I raised my hand when asked if I had committed my life to God today; I walked down front with a bunch of other people to be prayed over and cheered for by fellow church members; and I ended the service talking to and praying with a few other women. It was beyond wonderful. I can now honestly say that I read my Bible daily and that it is transforming my life in a way I never thought possible. I have been on such a heartbreaking journey these past two years and I had given up; but now...I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to put all of my faith in the Lord and wait for his plan to be unveiled. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Anyway, so that's why we're taking a break from TTC. We will take a few months off at the very least to focus on these three areas. I'm praying that we can make progress with each of these soon so that we can pick up TTC again. I'm not going to enjoy taking a break. Two of the moms I do daycare for had their baby girls this weekend, and as happy as I am, and as much as I already love them, my heart is a little sad because I want my own baby! I wish I was a patient person. But, at least I can still get my baby fix with these two babies until it's my turn.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Time For A Break
Well, we've decided that we are done with Clomid and are going to take a break from TTC for a few months. It sucks, but we just need to take some time working on us for awhile. Please pray for us!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Wilner
I have exciting news! My husband and I felt led yesterday to accept a sponsor child into our family from Haiti! Every month our money will pay for his Christian education, school uniforms, food, etc. We are looking forward to spoiling him by sending gifts and lots of love! It is now on our bucket list to travel to Haiti to meet him!
I feel like he is my honorary child and that this child will help me remain patient while we wait for our biological child!
I am CD23, and this morning I have my progesterone blood test to confirm ovulation. And AF is due on Saturday; I'm praying she stays away and that we get a BFP!
I feel like he is my honorary child and that this child will help me remain patient while we wait for our biological child!
I am CD23, and this morning I have my progesterone blood test to confirm ovulation. And AF is due on Saturday; I'm praying she stays away and that we get a BFP!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Mittelschmerz
Unbelievable pain in my right ovary since Saturday! PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING that it's a good sign and that I ovulated! It was so painful that on Sunday during sex, we had to stop...it was killing me. It is absolutely horrible still and it's already Tuesday! I did some research and figure that the pain is what is known as Mittelschmerz which means "middle pain" because it happens halfway through your cycle, around ovulation. Anyway, I have my progesterone blood test on Monday to confirm ovulation. Now begins the two week wait...
Monday, September 9, 2013
Change of Heart
We haven't been happy with our church for awhile. And then, we kind of gave up hope and because of our situation and the circumstances, we became confused about our relationships with God. However, we've been feeling this pull to get connected to Him again. So yesterday, we tried out a new church in our area...and we LOVED it! It was the first time in a long time where I actually felt something in church...the pastor spoke in a way that drew me in. I have always had a difficult time paying attention in church and tend to lose focus very quickly, but yesterday I listened and took in every. single. word. It was wonderful!
We are going to put everything into making this a new family; someplace where we feel safe and loved; somewhere where we feel connected. We are attending a class they are having there on Wednesday evening this week, and an event that they're having next Sunday. We also plan to introduce ourselves to the pastor at the service on Sunday.
I feel like I'm ready to ask for help. At this point, my husband and I are both confused about what to do with our situation. We almost feel that if we're not pregnant by November, then we've done everything medically that we can do for the time being. And maybe, the fact that everything medically has failed is because God is trying to tell us NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! But that just confuses us because we don't understand why it's not; why not now; why not us? I feel like maybe if we seek some guidance spiritually, then we'll be able to accept that. I'm hoping anyway that if we ask for help, then it will be easier to remain patient and come to terms with the fact that God is in charge and has a plan laid out for us!
We are going to put everything into making this a new family; someplace where we feel safe and loved; somewhere where we feel connected. We are attending a class they are having there on Wednesday evening this week, and an event that they're having next Sunday. We also plan to introduce ourselves to the pastor at the service on Sunday.
I feel like I'm ready to ask for help. At this point, my husband and I are both confused about what to do with our situation. We almost feel that if we're not pregnant by November, then we've done everything medically that we can do for the time being. And maybe, the fact that everything medically has failed is because God is trying to tell us NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! But that just confuses us because we don't understand why it's not; why not now; why not us? I feel like maybe if we seek some guidance spiritually, then we'll be able to accept that. I'm hoping anyway that if we ask for help, then it will be easier to remain patient and come to terms with the fact that God is in charge and has a plan laid out for us!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
November
TTC will continue until November...if we're not pregnant by then we are going to put TTC on the back burner. PRAYING we are pregnant by then!!
Stopping all medicine, tests, and doctor visits will be heartbreaking! However, if we can't get pregnant by November then we will take it as a hint that it's not in our plan for now. We will take some time off to work on ourselves; to focus on eliminating more debt and changing our lifestyle and diet. It is going to be depressing and very difficult, so we are praying with all of our might that we are pregnant in the next 3 cycles!
Stopping all medicine, tests, and doctor visits will be heartbreaking! However, if we can't get pregnant by November then we will take it as a hint that it's not in our plan for now. We will take some time off to work on ourselves; to focus on eliminating more debt and changing our lifestyle and diet. It is going to be depressing and very difficult, so we are praying with all of our might that we are pregnant in the next 3 cycles!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE
Seems like everyone is pregnant! So many friends have just announced that they're expecting! I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel! Though, I'll try!
I feel jealous!
I feel sorry for myself!
I feel confused!
I feel angry!
I feel depressed!
I feel sad!
I feel ignored!
And yet, with all of those negative emotions, I feel happy for them as well! It's definitely a mixture of contradicting emotions and I hate it!
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I just can't wrap my head around why they are lucky enough to get pregnant and we're not! Are they doing something that I'm not? And I don't mean medically, I mean spiritually. Why did God chose now was the right time for them and it's still not the right time for us! WHY?
I know I'll never get an answer. I'm trying so extremely hard to just keep faith in the situation and trust in the Lord. But as time goes by, it just keeps getting harder and harder.
Anyway, I'm cd10, and yesterday was the last day of clomid for this cycle! I'll start OPKs soon. I stopped temping this cycle because it just wasn't working for me and was adding lots of extra stress on me. Praying like crazy that I ovulate!
I feel jealous!
I feel sorry for myself!
I feel confused!
I feel angry!
I feel depressed!
I feel sad!
I feel ignored!
And yet, with all of those negative emotions, I feel happy for them as well! It's definitely a mixture of contradicting emotions and I hate it!
I think the thing that gets me the most is that I just can't wrap my head around why they are lucky enough to get pregnant and we're not! Are they doing something that I'm not? And I don't mean medically, I mean spiritually. Why did God chose now was the right time for them and it's still not the right time for us! WHY?
I know I'll never get an answer. I'm trying so extremely hard to just keep faith in the situation and trust in the Lord. But as time goes by, it just keeps getting harder and harder.
Anyway, I'm cd10, and yesterday was the last day of clomid for this cycle! I'll start OPKs soon. I stopped temping this cycle because it just wasn't working for me and was adding lots of extra stress on me. Praying like crazy that I ovulate!
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