Risks with Obesity & Pregnancy

     

      So I was going to go to the gym after work today, but decided not to as I felt “too tired”. Yes, I know…another excuse. Anyway, I became really disappointed in myself, and may end up going after dinner later tonight because I feel so guilty, but we’ll see. I have noticed a trend this week as far as my diet is concerned…I eat really well at work, then come home and do terrible by snacking or even binging. When I am with kids all morning and afternoon, I eat healthier and snack healthier because they eat healthy food and need it for their growing bodies; our snacks are fruits or veggies, and I only drink water there. This week I've been bringing a salad for lunch which has been delicious and nutritious, but then I get home and instantly want sweets! Then, because I've “deprived” myself from snacks all morning, I overeat to make up for it. It just doesn't make sense! I’m getting real tired of this vicious cycle. I know I need to focus and eat better and start controlling my cravings, but something else inside me, perhaps the devil, is telling me that it’s okay; that if I really want it, I can eat it and then do better later or tomorrow. This whole weight loss challenge is mentally draining!

      Anyway, after thinking about how unhealthy I am, I decided to do a little research on obesity and pregnancy. Everything I've read, I've heard before. My excuse previously was simply this…”Yeah, I’m obese, but I’m not an unhealthy obese woman.” What? That doesn't even make sense! Anyone who is obese IS unhealthy! There is a huge correlation! I've been denying for years that I really do have a problem. I need to be better; I need to do better; I need to accept that I AM unhealthy and that MANY things need to be changed!!! Prayers are welcome and appreciated!

My research-

• Obese women are more likely to be vitamin deficient. Because we tend to choose more processed foods higher in calories, but lacking nutrients, we don’t necessarily get all the vitamins we need, especially when we’re pregnant. Examples: Folic Acid, Calcium, and Iron- all of these are very important during pregnancy. Folic acid is important even before conception because it lowers risks of cardiac problems and spinal defects in newborns.
• Breastfeeding rates are low for obese women! It tends to take longer for breast milk to come in and they can have lower milk production.
• Excessive weight gain during pregnancy is very scary for obese women as it leads to high risk complications. Examples: preterm birth, cesarean delivery, large-for-gestational-age infants, and infants with low blood sugar.
•  [Obviously] obese women have higher rates of infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth. Other risks are high blood pressure, preeclampsia, and gestational diabetes.

Some suggestions-

• LOSE WEIGHT! (Duh, like I didn't already know this!) Eat healthy and exercise.
• It’s important to have a preconception checkup. And then, once pregnant, to get early and regular prenatal care.
• It is recommended that obese women gain 11-20 pounds during pregnancy. Also, dieting during pregnancy is not safe as some weight loss programs and plans reduce nutrients you and your baby need.

      So reading and researching all that made me feel scared! I've honestly always thought that if I were to get pregnant, that even though I’m obese, nothing would go wrong. I've almost turned a blind eye to the risks associated with obesity and pregnancy. I've known all of these risks and am still trying to get pregnant; is something wrong with me? Shouldn't I be doing EVERYTHING in my power to change this before I get pregnant and potentially harm my unborn baby!? I think I’ll have to discuss all this again with my husband and make a decision on if we should continue trying to conceive. I’ll also ask this new doctor at my appointment on the 12^th, what his opinion is. My other doctor always suggested weight loss, and talked about these risks, but never made it seem like I’d actually have a problem. She didn't encourage me to keep trying, but she also didn't try to persuade me take a break from TTC while trying to lose weight. Hmm…not sure what to do at this point! 

Homesickness & Extreme Longing

      I have been getting these waves of homesickness a lot lately. I thought, while I was on vacation, that I was just missing home, but now that I am home, I can tell you that's not what it is. I usually am able to decipher which kind of homesickness I'm feeling. But what I've been feeling lately is something new. I'm not missing my home state of Michigan, or my parents house, or even my parents and family. I'm not missing my tiny apartment, or my husband. I get these brief waves of homesickness often and in all different settings. I've gotten this feeling while I'm playing with my daycare kids; when I'm at the grocery store; or making dinner. Today, this evening, it washed over me while I was laying on my bed, ready to take a nap with my husband...he left the room for .5 seconds to go to the bathroom and I felt it. Funny thing is, I also instantly knew it wasn't homesickness for him.

      Maybe the word 'homesickness' isn't exactly the most appropriate word for what I'm feeling. The feeling I get when this happens is very similar to when I am missing my family, Michigan, or husband. Tonight, after this feeling hit me yet again, I figured out what I'm actually longing for...finally. A baby! Duh! 

      Multiple times a day I get this homesick feeling, this feeling where I'm missing something, where a certain void needs to be filled in order to feel whole, happy, and complete comfort. My home and family are not complete. I crave a baby; which I guess all of you know by now. 

      I've obviously always felt this, but as time continuously is passing us by, this feeling and desire are so much stronger. I feel like I'm still not getting any answers, and medically, I'm not even ovulating so all this time trying to conceive is actually just a waste of time.

      I have a wonderful husband who spoils me and loves me; I have a magnificent family who supports and prays for me; I have a job that I love and am passionate about; I have friends to talk to and laugh with; I have all of my needs met...except for a baby! My heart aches...I fear this longing and homesickness won't go away until I receive that little miracle baby!

Return from Vacation

      I'm back! Last week, my husband and I met some friends (who live in FL) in TN for vacation. We rented a cabin together in the Smoky Mountains. We had so much fun! It was so nice to relax with friends we haven't seen in over a year, and to relax together. I'm very fortunate to spend a lot of time with my husband. However, lately he's been working a lot of overtime and so our evenings together are short, and boring because he's tired. It was nice to be able to relax in a way that's not for a few hours in front of the TV before bed. We both thoroughly enjoyed it!
      I had a few friends say to me before we left that this vacation may be just what the doctor ordered. That maybe just relaxing and not focusing on TTC would be what we needed and that maybe we'd actually get pregnant. I can sort of understand where they were coming from since I do stress about TTC...however...WHAT?! And, to those friends, we didn't even get to have sex!!! I was bleeding the WHOLE time! It was not a romantic getaway in that sense, that's for sure!
      My appointment on June 12th cannot come fast enough! I can't wait to go on provera and clomid! Also, diet and exercise are back on! Despite how difficult it is for me to mentally stick with a program, I'm not going to give up! I might fail, and fall off the horse here and there, but all that matters is that I get back on. And, although I am disappointed and frustrated, I'm still not giving up! In the back of my mind, I'm still convinced that as soon as I lose weight, I will get pregnant. I have no way to know if this is true, but a girl can hope. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me even though I want a baby so badly. You'd think I would be able to focus and stick with a plan so that I can lose weight quickly so that I can have a baby sooner...oh well. I'm not giving up and that's all that matters.

Two Years!

      Today is our anniversary! I can’t believe how fast these last two years have gone! We took our vows seriously, as we've been through thick and thin since we said “I do”. Our friendship, marriage, and love have grown so much! Praying next year is THE year for us; that our family grows by two feet! Hunny I love you more today than yesterday! Thanks for loving me, providing for us, and being by my side through it all! May we have many, many more years together! 

Taking the Next Step

My husband and I have been talking a lot about officially going on Provera and Clomid. I finally made a doctor’s appointment for June 12^th. I found out though that my regular doctor is on maternity leave…go figure! So I will have to see a different doctor in the practice, which I’m feeling apprehensive about. They don’t know my history so I hope I won’t have to explain my situation all over. I hope they will allow me to go on the meds since that is what my doctor said was okay. I guess it will be nice to have a second opinion. Maybe they will recognize something in my situation that my regular doctor didn't; maybe they’ll know exactly what is wrong.

                If I’m being honest, I’m actually a little worried about starting these meds. I desperately want a baby; we desperately want a baby! But my weight loss journey is not going well. I keep going back and forth and can’t stick to anything no matter how hard I feel I’m trying. I’m disappointed, but I’m not really being down or hard on myself. I don’t know that that’s a good thing; maybe I should be harder on myself so that I stick with it. Anyway, how am I going to feel if I get pregnant soon at this size? I just can’t imagine being this size (I’d like to enter my size in pounds here, but it’s way too big to share) and gaining extra pregnancy weight. I would be miserable (at that size, not actually being pregnant)! I would like to lose more weight before we get pregnant, but that’s obviously not happening. And besides, that would take another year or two to get to the ideal weight, and we’re already at least a year and a half into TTC!

                Well, I guess I’ll just keep praying about everything and just see what happens! 

{Happy} Mother's Day

      Today, I am celebrating Mother's Day, even though I only have angel babies. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about them and wish that they were here, but today is even more difficult. I yearn for the day that I can really celebrate this day! The day that my kids and hubby will wake me up with breakfast in bed, and present me with hand-made cards and gifts!
      Today is actually bittersweet. Dear friends of ours, and the family I do daycare for, are expecting a baby, and today they are announcing the gender at our Mother's Day dinner. I am really anxious and really excited, but I can't help to feel a little jealous. What I would give to be in their shoes! Nevertheless, today is a special day, and I look forward to being apart of this new baby's life! I am so grateful to be apart of their family, as they treat me as more than just nanny. I love you guys!
      Anyway, I hope all of you mothers out there are having a blessed day! ALL of you mothers--the ones with grown children, the ones with growing babies, the ones expecting, the ones with angel babies, and the ones who are impatiently trying to conceive! I have no physical children here on earth, only my babies watching down on me from heaven, but I have a mother's heart already and am anticipating the day I can hold my babies. Today I am celebrated!

Relay for Life

      Last night, my husband and I joined his work's Relay for Life team! We raised only $230 between the two of us, but our team raised near $5000 as of last night! The hubs forgot to go to the meeting for assigning walking slots, so all they had left when he called was the midnight to 4am shift! We got there around 11:45pm and left a little after 2:30am. It was mid 40s last night here, so we were a little cold, but walking warmed us up! I also had a cold last night, or rather the last few days, so being in the cold didn't help that; my nose is even more stuffed up this morning!
      I felt wonderful walking last night! I walked for my aunt and uncle who are cancer survivors! My aunt got breast cancer and beat it, and within a few months, her husband, my uncle, found out he had colorectal cancer. They are both healthy now, thank the Lord!
      I cannot tell you how many times last night while walking I had this urge to pray. I prayed for my family. I prayed for everybody at the event. I prayed for the survivors. I prayed for the sufferers. I prayed for the families that have lost a loved one. I prayed for the people that donated time and money to this cause. I prayed and prayed and prayed!