Put Yourself In My Shoes

      I’m sorry for complaining so much. I realize that this is probably annoying to some of you. However, put yourself in my shoes. I know there are many couples out there also trying to conceive and for them, my heart hurts because I know how it feels. For me though I’m technically not able to conceive because I’m not ovulating. (I’m pretty certain now that last month was a fluke.) I was bleeding for 8 days; it stopped for one and half days, and then started back up again. This morning it is VERY heavy; lots of clotting and cramping too.

      My heart is yelling at me…I WANT a baby! I NEED a baby! I CRAVE a baby! I YEARN for a baby!

      My head is telling me…be patient; God knows what He is doing!

      My body is…BLEEDING! ALL THE TIME!

      I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t understand still why I’m bleeding all the time.

      So, while you may be annoyed at my constant complaining, just imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine you have this intense desire for something; something you've wished for as long as you can remember. Imagine the disappointment and frustration you’d face month after month if that “thing” wasn't happening. You would feel hurt, confused, and sad all the time too.

      I’m sick of feeling defeated and depressed! Prayers are much appreciated! 

We're Stuck!

      So here is what I've been struggling with for a while…I feel stuck. We have 27 days until our second wedding anniversary, May 15^th. We both feel like we should be in a different place right now. We should be moving on to a next step, but we are still feeling like we’re stuck in this young newlywed phase where our future is unknown. We are desperately ready for that next step. For us, we see that step being one of two things…either buying a house and settling down, or having a baby and becoming parents. Neither is an option.

      My husband will start applying soon for a new job, which means we’re not sure how much longer we’ll be in Virginia, nor do we know where we’ll be going next. That means that buying a house and actually settling down is not an option. My brother-in-law and his fiancé are getting married in October, and they are already looking for a house. I feel really jealous. We should be at the point where we are done renting, but unfortunately that’s not happening. I am obsessed with HGTV and have many ideas for our future home, and I want to be nesting! It sucks.

      And as far as having a baby goes…well, that’s not happening either, obviously. I have this newfound faith and peace with God about the situation, but it doesn't mean that I want a baby any less. There was no BFP this cycle, and I've been bleeding now for 7 days. I’m not entirely sure it’s a period either… I've had a lot of random bleeding over the past year and this bleeding right now is very similar, which makes me think it’s not a period. I just don’t know. But I did get an OPK for this month so we’ll see if I ovulate this cycle for sure.

      So…we’re stuck. We both feel like we should be taking the next step in our relationship and marriage, but unfortunately we can’t. I guess I just have to see where God is taking us, but I hope He knows how impatient I am!

Mind Games

      I hate when you think you're pregnant, everything seems to be lining up and then you get that BFN!!! AF is due Sunday and I swore I'd be getting a positive test already! I have very light and minimal spotting, sore nipples, bigger and darker areolas, nausea, and more trips to the bathroom, especially in the middle of the night! Maybe I'll test again if AF doesn't show this weekend, but if I'm not pregnant, are all those symptoms in my mind? Do I want to be pregnant so bad that mentally I'm tricking myself into thinking I am pregnant?! Ugh!! I know all of you TTC can relate to this!

Bowling & Bleeding

      Yesterday was my husband’s 26^th birthday! We intended to go hiking, but the forecast was calling for rain so we went bowling instead. We had so much fun! When I was younger, my family went bowling every Sunday morning. My parents were always on bowling leagues so I've spent a lot of time in bowling alleys. I used to be decent, but yesterday I did horrible! I think we’re going to have to start going more regularly.

      So I mentioned that I thought I ovulated around Easter, and I still think I did…but since then I have been bleeding again every day, on and off. I did some research and found some women have mid-cycle bleeding, which signifies ovulation. It can last for a few hours or a few days. However, I read that it usually tends to be browner in color, and mine was definitely red, and like a light period; like how my bleeding always is. Yesterday it finally stopped…who knows what is going on yet again! I still have about a week until my next period should technically be due. I’m interested to see what happens then; if I start one or if the whole normal cycle thing was a fluke last month. I am starting to get hopeful, because my nipples are so tender and sore; literally killing me. Not sure if this is a sign that my period may be coming or maybe something else!?! Time will tell! I’m trying to remain patient and thankfully haven’t been obsessing over it like before.

Comfort

      I found extreme comfort in this today! I still struggle with the fact that I've had miscarriages... I continue to wonder and daydream about what it would have been like had those babies survived. It still hurts tremendously to think about the loss. However, knowing that my babies are in Heaven with Jesus, healthy and happy, gives me some peace. It is also comforting to be able to trust in the fact that I will see them again someday; I look forward to it!

HAPPY Easter!

      I'm 97.99% certain that I'm ovulating!! WOOHOO!! Finally...it's been over a year now! I didn't expect to be ovulating this soon after starting metformin, but it looks like it's helping! I thought I had a period this month, and counted the cycle and it was 29 days (28 days is the average for most women) so that was right on track...however, it only lasted really, really heavy for 2 days and then was gone. So I was a bit confused as to if it was a period or not. However, this would be the time I'd be ovulating, assuming it was a period. I am having cramping and pain in my right ovary, so that is a sign. And I'm having extreme cervical mucus! Also, another sign since I haven't had it like this, like I said, in over a year! I think, if this month we don't get a BFP, then I'll for sure get OPKs for next month! Feeling really excited and staying positive! I'm going to try my best not to obsess over it like I have in the past..if it happens, GREAT; but if not, then we'll just try again next month.
     In the meantime, I'm still going to focus my time and energy on losing weight, exercising, and getting healthy. This past week I did incredible with my diet...yes, I am bragging! And have been keeping up with the exercise and enjoying the gym. I hurt my knee last week, and it's still bugging me, especially in the gym. I'm just pushing through some of the pain, and then resting it when I can. It bugs me the most when I'm on the treadmill, especially if I try jogging, so I'm doing more elliptical for now. Another minor setback is that I have been bleeding again after a heavy workout! It happened twice this week; lasted for a day and then is gone. I'm definitely going to have to ask my doctor about this again.
      Anyway, HAPPY EASTER! Off to church to celebrate! :)

Prayer

      I have a pocket prayer book that my little sister bought me. She had randomly turned to a page in the book store and instantly thought the prayer fit me perfectly. And it did. Basically, it was about struggling with something you want but that isn't in God’s plan right now for you. My sister sent it down to me last summer and since then I have randomly been flipping through it myself and finding extreme comfort in it. I’m so thankful to have such a wonderful and caring sister, despite how we might drive each other crazy every now and then. ;)

      Anyway, one of the prayers that has really been on my heart this past weekend was one about facing challenges. If you've read my last post, or any of them for that matter, you’ll know I indeed struggle and face challenges with my weight and fertility on a daily basis. Most days, I feel like I get completely knocked down again and again. Like nothing I do is right; or maybe that it is, but I’m not necessarily strong enough to stick with it. It is beyond frustrating.

      Part of the prayer goes like this… “May the struggles I face cause me to follow your leading into uncharted waters, and may I learn to trust you more and more. Then I know I will be accomplishing your unique purpose for me. Thank you for showing me that it is often through challenges that you make your plan clear to me.”

(Beers, Ronald A. 365 Pocket Prayers. Tyndale House Publishers Inc, 2010. Print.)

      I am constantly praying and talking with God more and more lately. When I feel anxious, or weak, or when I need more motivation in the gym, and especially when I’m feeling jealous, I say a quick prayer. It instantly calms me. I’m also feeling a whole lot better about my situation because of this communication with God. Before I had lost faith, and would constantly worry that I would never have a baby; that God wasn't going to allow that. But now, I feel a sense of peace when I think about my future. I can’t even begin to express how much prayer has helped me these last couple months. I feel like I can focus on myself, with becoming healthy and losing weight, and that with time, in God’s time, I will get pregnant and have beautiful babies.

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” 1 Chronicles 28: 20

“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible for people is possible with God.’” Luke 18: 27