It's been awhile...

      I haven’t written in forever it feels. My last post was about how horrible I did at the gym on the 17^th, and since then things have been different. I've been feeling so good and motivated; this past weekend my hubby and I even did a 5k on the treadmill. I am extremely obese, and I thought for sure there was no way I’d be able to do over 3 miles and if I could I knew I’d be there for hours! It was a struggle, but I finished in less than 59 minutes! I was soo proud of myself! My hubby stuck at my pace the whole time, it felt good to have him as a partner and cheerleader. He of course could have gone a lot faster, but I am glad he stuck with me because if he didn't I would have given up. It felt good to make him proud too! I’m beginning to enjoy the gym again and I leave feeling proud and strong again. In fact, one day this week, my husband wanted to stop before I did on the elliptical…I made us keep going! Again, he was surprised and proud of me! I think going to the gym together and working out as a team is strengthening us a couple. I love that we are doing this together!

      Anyway, tomorrow is my ultrasound and doctor’s appointment. It’s been a month since my last appointment and blood tests. I feel a little bad because I didn't see a counselor in that time like I was supposed to. However, I've been feeling so much better and happier that I haven’t felt as depressed which is why I completely forgot about making an appointment to see one. I guess that’s a good thing! I’m hoping that tomorrow we can figure out a way to get me back on a normal menstrual cycle! I've still been bleeding every day and it seems to have gotten a lot heavier. Sorry for TMI, but I can’t even tell you the last time hubby and I had sex because I’m bleeding so much that it’s just gross. To be honest, right now I feel like the focus isn't even on getting pregnant anymore, but rather on getting back to “normal”; and of course, weight loss. This is a very frustrating time, but I just have to remind myself that at the end of this messy and emotional journey, we’ll be parents. That is the ultimate, long term goal anyway. Praying that this journey doesn't take many more years; I've barely been able to handle this first year and a half!

      Wish me luck!

Weakness

      I skipped the gym today and I feel bad for that, but also am enjoying being lazy. The reason why I chose to skip today was because of how my “workout” went yesterday. Hubby and I went to the gym yesterday afternoon; we did a quick shoulders, triceps, and chest workout and then decided to jump on the treadmill. I decided to start my couch to 5k program since I had just recently downloaded the app. I did a brisk walk for 5 minutes and then it was set to alternate between a 60 sec jog and 90 sec walk. I barely made it through the first 60 seconds of jogging. It was difficult for me, which is sad and embarrassing to admit, but I finished it and started the 90 sec walk. I instantly was hit with cramps and felt a gush of something. Knowing it was blood I got off and ran to the bathroom. Sure enough, it was! And it was heavy too! I hadn't had bleeding this heavy in MANY months. Luckily I had a light pad in my gym bag! After cleaning up I headed back out and told hubby we had to leave soon. I did a light walk on the treadmill while he finished up his mile and then we left.

      It was the worst “workout” and experience at the gym I've ever had. I maybe got 15 minutes of a weight workout and then maybe 10 minutes total on the treadmill. I almost cried in the car afterwards because I felt so bad; like I had quit. I know I had a good excuse to not push myself yesterday, but I still felt really guilty for not doing much. I felt really weak! Usually I leave the gym feeling really good about myself; feeling really strong and confident. But yesterday I felt like a big loser.

      I’m still bleeding really heavily and have light cramps. I’m also feeling very intimidated of the gym right now. I feel like I lost all of my confidence. It’s not a good feeling. So, I told Hubby I didn't feel like going today. Instead we made a nice dinner and watched the latest episode of The Walking Dead.

      I’m hoping tomorrow will be different! I already told him to make me go tomorrow. I need to get back no matter how I feel. If I don’t get over it, push through it, and get back soon, then I really will have quit…and I’m sick of quitting! 

Proud & Impressed

      At the gym this morning, I was on the elliptical when a thin, gorgeous girl came and got on the one right next to me. Why is it that when the gym is almost completely empty someone always has to get on the machine next to you? Ugh. Anyway, she of course was going fast and looked like a pro, while I was going at a slow pace and probably looked completely uncoordinated and goofy. I found myself trying to keep up with her. I felt embarrassed to be going so slow while she was “lapping” me. But then it hit me. I wasn't there to impress her, or anybody for that matter. I was there for ME! I have a heck of a lot more weight on my body than she does, and am just starting to become physical and active…of course I’m not going to be able to keep up with her. I realized that I need to focus on me and only me, and forget about how silly I might look to others or how slow I might be going. Hey, at least I was there at all. 

      Honestly, I’m impressed and proud of myself for getting up this morning and going. Normally, if my week was busy, I looked forward to sleeping in and vegging all weekend. Not this time! I had a very busy week this week, working 45+ hours instead of my normal 20-25. I would work my normal schedule in the morning, and then get a short break, and then work again in the evening. I enjoyed naps when I could, but surprisingly I had a lot of energy this week and kept busy during my free time. Instead of relaxing on the couch and watching TV, I did errands or cleaned. Maybe I had so much energy because I needed to have that much to keep up with the schedule and my daycare kiddos. Or maybe, I am actually leaving my lazy days behind me finally. Either way, I’m feeling great and am proud of myself!

Yup, my thoughts exactly on the elliptical this morning.

Bible Study: Depression in Christians

      Yesterday was our first day back at church. It felt so good to be back! I’d forgotten how much I loved that place. I felt like the message was made for me. “In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit” Ephesians 2:22. I am a dwelling place for the Lord. This past year I've felt like God had forgotten about me, in a sense; like I no longer mattered; like He didn't care that I was grieving and sad. I know now that is not true, but for a time I had lost sight of my faith. The message in church yesterday really touched me. I know that God created me, He knew me even before I was born. I needed that reminder yesterday. I needed to hear that I am a dwelling place for the Lord; God lives within me! He is always here to help me and guide me, and hold me when I’m feeling down. It feels good to know this again. It feels good to be able to feel His love again. I still have a LOT I need to work on and change, but I know I’m not going through this alone, and that feels amazing. It was exactly the motivation, inspiration, and encouragement I needed.

      In college, I had been going to a church group on campus, and they would regularly have guest speakers come to the meetings. I specifically remember that one of the speakers talked about depression. He stated that, basically, if you are a Christian you will not be depressed; if you are depressed, then you are NOT a Christian. At the time, I had depression and had been on medication for it. I felt horrible after that service, and confused. This was one of the times I started to pull away from church. To this day, I remember the feelings of disappointment and shame that I felt when he called me out on my Christianity. I've always wondered about how others felt about this topic and have always felt a little ashamed of myself; like I couldn't be fully honest about who I was to other Christians. However, yesterday all of that changed. The guest speaker at church yesterday talked about depression in Christians. Like I said, I swear that message was written for me! He clearly stated that you CAN be a Christian and suffer from depression, and that there are clear examples of this in the Bible. I felt this huge weight almost lifted off of me. Almost as if I am free to be me; to be open, honest and no longer ashamed of my struggles. This morning, I still felt this on my heart and decided to do a little research. For those of you struggling with depression know that you are NOT alone.

Examples I found of depression in the Bible:

•          Genesis 15:12- “As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him.”
•          Jonah 4:3- “Therefore now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live.” & 4:9- “But God said to Jonah, “Do you do well to be angry for the plant?” And he said, “Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to die.”
•          1 Kings 19:4- “But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”” (Elijah)
•          Psalm 38:6-10- “I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning. For my sides are filled with burning, and there is soundness in my flesh. I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart. O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes- it also has gone from me.” (King David)
•         Job 7:2-4- “Like a slave who longs for the shadow, and like a hired hand who looks for his wages, so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me. When I lie down I say, “When shall I arise?” But the night is long, and I am full of tossing till the dawn.” (Basically the whole book of Job, I found MANY examples in here, and there are far too many to share.)

      The Bible also has many inspirational verses for people with depression.

•          Job 23:8-10- “Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.”
•          Proverbs 3:5-6- “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
•          Psalm 27:1- “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
•          Psalm 27:14- “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord.”

      I’m sure there are many, MANY more examples of both depression and inspiration to those suffering with depression in the Bible. These are just a few that I found today. I feel like I've learned so much and it helps to know that I’m not alone. That it is ok to suffer and feel weak; and that even in all of that, God will still be there. After the struggles and challenges are through, He will be there and He will give us even more blessings and goodness than before. The one specific thing I think I can take away from all this is that I don’t know everything and I can’t do everything on my own. I need to rely on God for help; I need to start going to Him when I’m feeling down and ask for His comfort. Too often, I think that I can handle all of this on my own, but that is far from the truth. I feel very inspired to do more Bible studying on this topic; I think I will read all of the Book of Job next. If you would like, I will share more of my findings on a later post after my time in Job.

(FYI: I am in no way a Biblical scholar. I am horrible at interpreting and reading the word, in fact I rarely spend time doing this. My research and findings may not be 100% accurate or affect you the way they have affected me.)

The Results

      Got my blood test results back this morning. My doctor said my labs were all pretty good for the most part; nothing jumped out at her as being urgent or extreme. My blood count and thyroid tests came back normal. That means that I’m still on the proper dosage (75 M) for my hypothyroid medicine, Levothyroxine. My cholesterol was a little high, so I should just continue dieting as I am, making sure I focus on lowering it a bit. My testosterone level is still slightly elevated (I knew this from the last time we tested for PCOS). My other hormone levels looked normal. But my "glucose-insulin ratio is borderline insulin resistance"? I am right at the cut off. I guess that means I am producing too much insulin which isn't good. Basically, if it gets worse I will for sure have type 2 diabetes which is scary. I am too young for that! With all that, I am considered borderline PCOS. She prescribed me Metformin, which will help with the insulin issue and testosterone issue. She also wants to do an ultrasound at my next appointment which is on March 1st. Because I am still constantly bleeding, there’s a chance that there could be more to it. PCOS screws up ovulation and menstrual cycles as a whole, but the ultrasound will check to make sure there aren't any uterine polyps. We will also discuss what all of this means and figure out what to do next.
      To be honest, I’m feeling disappointed, embarrassed, and angry. I am extremely relieved that I am considered borderline, and right on the cut off as far as PCOS and diabetes goes. That means, hopefully, that I’ll have an easier time getting everything under control and taken care of. However, it also means my weight plays a huge factor in all of this. If I were at a normal and healthy weight, I [most likely] wouldn't be close to developing diabetes and it’d be less likely I’d have PCOS. This also means that diet and exercise are even more important than I originally thought. I’m not just obese and unhealthy as far as my weight in pounds is concerned, but also in other areas of my health. I need to get this under control! I feel a little more pressure to do well on this diet. There is no more quitting and starting over.
      I think what frustrates me the most is that I ever let it get this bad in the first place. What was I thinking? How could I have been so naive and dumb?  I have to kick these bad habits now. My life and health depend on it, as well as my chances of being a mother and having a baby. If I wasn't committed to changing my life before, I am now…100%. I am too young to be in this situation. Things change NOW! Wish me luck!

February 3rd

      I had such a great 25^th birthday yesterday. Hubby and I actually celebrated on Saturday evening; we went to my favorite restaurant, Red Lobster, for dinner and saw Silver Linings Playbook in the theater. Yesterday, we relaxed all day and, of course, watched the Super Bowl. 

My wonderful hubby bought me roses :)

      I made a really tasty and healthy beef stew in the crock-pot for lunch yesterday. I couldn't believe that my husband enjoyed it because it was mostly veggies. I thought I would share the recipe with you all!

Beef Stew

Ingredients:

• 1.5lb beef stew meat, cubed
• Beef Stew Seasoning, ½ packet
• 16oz bag of frozen green beans
• 16oz bag of frozen corn
• 16oz bag of frozen peas
• ½ bag of carrots, sliced
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 3C of water
• Pepper, to taste

Directions:

Add ingredients to crock pot and let it cook on low for 8 hours. 

It makes a lot, probably about 8 servings. I think next time I wouldn't use the whole bag of the green beans, corn, and peas; maybe about ¾ of it instead? And if you are doing WW, one serving would be about 6 Points. Enjoy!

That "UGH" Feeling

      So for my doctor’s appointment on Thursday I created calendars to show her how abnormal and irregular my bleeding and “periods” have been. While doing that I figured out that for the month of January, there were only 8 days out of the 31 days in the month that I didn't bleed. I think that’s the worse it’s ever been! I’m still anxious about getting my results back, but I think I've calmed down a bit. I stopped bleeding last night but have horrible cramping today, along with that period feeling you get right before you start. It’s really annoying!

      However, despite that, I've found some motivation today! I have no clue where it came from! Hubby had to work overtime this morning, so he got up and left early, waking me in the process. I've already cleaned the whole house, did 4 loads of laundry, and organized all our bills and paperwork. It’s crazy how yesterday I felt so depressed and “blah”, but today I feel 100% opposite. I have an insane amount of energy; I’m feeling antsy just sitting here writing this! I’m hoping this motivation stays around for a while! 

Impatiently Waiting

      Yesterday I had my doctor’s appointment. Unfortunately, I didn't really get too many answers. She confirmed my thoughts that, basically, I’m NOT ovulating! This whole bleeding thing is obviously messed up, so I had to get a lot of blood work done to try and figure out what is wrong. Now, I just have to wait until the middle of next week or so for the results! She did put me on medicine for depression and anxiety and suggested I go to counseling. I've heard mixed results about Zoloft, so we’ll just have to see if it works for me and how I like it.

      Hubby took me out to dinner last night because I was feeling a little down since I didn't get any real answers. We probably shouldn't have since we’ll be going out this weekend too for my birthday, but oh well! I’m also embarrassed to report that we haven’t been to the gym at all this week. He has been getting home really late from work (we are going to enjoy the OT $$$, but I miss him). I know I don’t need him to go to the gym with me, but I just couldn't get motivated to go, especially by myself. I wish I had a friend here that I could use as a workout buddy! Though, I have enjoyed the support from friends who are reading this! I now have a few extra people to go to when I’m feeling down or just to vent! I appreciate it more than they know!

      Anyway, back to what this post was originally supposed to be about! J I'm hoping I can be patient until I get the results back! I'm already stressing and worrying over them! Prayers are still appreciated! Thanks!