Misery & Updates

      I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. I started progesterone 17 days ago now, and ever since starting it I have been getting nauseous every single day! I have also been slowly tapering off of zoloft so I heard maybe this could be a withdrawal? Either way, my meds are what is doing this to me! I can't stand it! I'm sending my hubby out soon to get me some ginger ale...here's to hoping that helps my stomach! I have been eating saltines with a little bit of peanut butter on them and that has been helping!
      Anyway, I haven't updated in awhile...so here it goes! As of this past Monday I am down 19.5 inches and 7.7 pounds. My family came down to visit though this week and therefore I worked out way less, and ate way worse! I am pretty sure at my next weigh-in on Monday that I will have gained some weight and inches back. However, maybe not because of this nausea!? I finally went to the gym this morning. I did another 5k and the circuit. I could totally tell I was off and that I had slacked lately because I was slower and in more pain! I am hoping I get back into my routine soon!
      I have a new get-fit partner...my dad! He is extremely obese and needs to lose a lot of weight. My mom and sister filled me in this week on how worried they are about him, specifically about him dying too young due to obesity and related/complicated medical issues. I don't know what I would do without him! He is the greatest dad in the whole world! So, while he was down here on vacation, my husband and I talked to him about trying to lose weight. He is very stubborn and insists he is fine, however we know better. We made a deal with him...he knows that we are currently taking time off from TTC so that I can focus on losing weight and getting healthy, so I said that we won't start trying again until he starts to try to get healthier! I want him to be around for his grandkids. Both of my grandpas made it to my wedding, and I want him to be there when my kids get married in the future too. I told him he doesn't haven't to lose drastic weight, or even a certain number, he just has to consciously start to change his eating habits. Instead of having a whole box of cookies, just have a few; or not get a second helping at dinner. I also suggested he start to move more. He works all day in an office at a desk and then comes home and sits in front of the TV! Even just a short walk with the dog after work would be a start! He agreed to this as he desperately wants a grandbaby! I'm proud of him for agreeing and can't wait to see how he does with it!

We did family photos while they were here! L to R: dad, mom, sister, and us!

Does it look like I've lost weight?! 

Baby Fever

      I have baby fever like you wouldn't believe. I've always had baby fever, but since things are going so well with my dieting and exercise I feel super positive and can picture having a baby so much sooner! My next appointment is August 5th, and my goal is to lose enough weight to feel comfortable starting Clomid at that time! I already feel like I will for sure be there and this feeling is so exciting!
      I haven't felt this way about TTC in awhile. I've always wanted a baby [duh] but for awhile I had lost confidence, positivity, and all faith in the situation. I knew we'd have a baby sometime in the future, but I'd been having a hard time picturing it! And now, it finally feels like it's literally around the corner! Feels like we are finally on the right path when it comes to TTC! I feel like once August comes, and we start Clomid, that with my weight loss and the meds that we'll easily be able to get pregnant and it'll happen quickly!
      My only fear is that I might lose this weight loss momentum and if I do then I won't reach my goal by August. Or that if I do reach my goal, and we start Clomid then, that I will have gotten my hopes up thinking that we will get pregnant quickly! I hope it happens ASAP!

Sprained Ankle & Week 2 Results

      Friday afternoon I was outside with my daycare kiddo and we were watering plants. The grass was wet because we were obviously playing in the water as well. I was walking down a little hill in the yard and slipped on the water, twisting my ankle, and then sliding the rest of the way down the hill. I felt instant pain and immediate tears! Luckily the dad I work for is a physical therapist so he walked me through a few little tests on the phone to determine it wasn't broke but just sprained. Since then I have been keeping it elevated and iced and trying as much as possible to stay off it. The problem is that I have been so active lately that this sitting around is killing me. 

Left is a photo of my foot from Saturday & right is this morning The swelling has gone down but the bruise has changed a bit

Top is from Saturday & bottom is this morning...notice the changes in the bruise again!

      I was given the go-ahead to go to the gym as long as I avoided anything weight bearing on my ankle/foot. Yesterday, the hubby and I went and I was extremely emotional. I was missing my normal workout and pushing myself really hard. I burned less than half the calories I normally do! I did the bike which didn't hurt, but you can't burn a lot of calories doing that! I also did the circuit at the gym, but avoided doing the steps and leg press. And then I couldn't take it, I missed the treadmill, so I walked a pretty slow mile. I burned double the calories in the mile on the treadmill than I did in the 3.5 miles on the bike! That's ridiculous! Anyway, I really miss my burn at the gym! I am going again today and am going to push myself a little harder.

      Anyway, in other news, it's Monday which means I had my second weigh-in. I didn't lose a lot of weight this week, only 1.4 pounds which I'm a little disappointed in! However, I did lose 9.5 inches this week. Total, in two weeks, I've lost 6.9 pounds and 16.5 inches! I couldn't be more happy! I'd say I'm doing well and this calorie conscious diet will be continuing!

Progesterone

      New update! Apparently I was mistaken. I am hard of hearing...literally and medically considered partially deaf. Anyway, I heard the doctor say he was prescribing "pro..." and automatically assumed it was provera since that's what my regular doctor and I talked about. He asked if I knew what it was and I said yes sort of since I had done a little research, and that's when he goes on to tell me that it'll basically trick my body into a cycle and that it will show my body what it's supposed to do and therefore I'll eventually get a normal period. So, again, I assumed he was talking about provera because I knew provera starts a period while clomid starts ovulation. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, the nurse gave me a little calendar and explained to me how to track my bleeding once I start "provera". So then I realized, yup, I did hear the doctor right. So ever since then I've been thinking I'm starting provera today.

      Went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and had to pay $96 for it! Confused as to why it was so much I read through the pamphlet and sure enough it's actually progesterone. Thankfully my insurance will reimburse me for the money, but still that's a lot of money out of my pocket right now! Ugh! 

      Anyway, I'm on progesterone and not provera. I didn't really know what progesterone is so I did a little research. I guess provera is derived from progesterone. It is a progestin which means it has "compounds that have progesterone like properties, but are not progesterone and are synthetic and you can add to that, they don't have the full spectrum of all of progesterone's benefits and they are loaded with side effects." One article provided this: "Provera is not progesterone. Unfortunately, the standard practice in conventional American medicine has been to replace the natural hormone progesterone with an unnatural hormone-like drug called medroxyprogesterone, or Provera. The combination of Premarin + Provera is the most common form of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) prescribed in the U.S. today. While Provera does keep Premarin from causing endometrial cancer, it is not progesterone. As such, it lacks many of progesterone's other important benefits, and may cause a long list unpleasant and dangerous side effects, including increasing the risk of heart disease."
      So I guess I'm glad I'm taking progesterone and not provera. Praying it works for me!

{Update}

      Well, yesterday was my appointment and it went well.
      I had originally mentioned maybe going back on birth control for the summer, but the doctor thought Provera would be better. Even though we're not TTC at this moment, I still need to get on a cycle and have a regular and normal period. At this point, I told him that that was my concern. So I start Provera today to induce a period/cycle. This way I will be ready to start Clomid towards the end of the summer when we start TTC again! I'm excited and happy with our decision to put TTC on hold.
      Exercising and dieting are still going well. In my first week I lost 5.5 pounds and 7 inches. I am not feeling as excited about this process as much this week, but regardless, I'm sticking with my program. I will admit that I have fallen off the horse a few times, overeating for snacks, but I've gotten back up and still managed to stay around my calorie goal, especially once I figured in my calories burned. I am feeling better about my body and am noticing small changes. My belt, for example, is too big! I used to wear it on the first two notches to make it as big as it would go, and now it's still loose on the smallest notch! I feel proud! Every time I look at my arms I can see my muscles and they're beautiful! I obviously still have A LOT of work to do, but I'm feeling better and can see my hard work paying off.
      I'm still feeling jealous of other women and their pregnancy announcements or new babies, but I honestly don't think that will ever go away. Even though we've decided to stop TTC for the time being, and even though I'm happy with this decision, I still desperately want a baby. It has been a little over a year and a half since we started TTC, and I wish I had done things differently. I wish at that point I started a strict diet and exercise plan and stuck with it. I wish I hadn't been so lazy and was able to put my health first. Everything would be different right now. I may have lost the majority of the weight I need to lose by now. I may already be pregnant if I had done that. But, unfortunately, I didn't focus on weight loss and at this point there's no going back. I just have to move forward. I had started diets in that time and I had intended to stick with them, but mentally I wasn't in the right place to stay strong enough to make that my priority. This time, things are different. And for that, I am thankful!

Change of Plans

      I made a quick note about a difficult decision that the husband and I made in a recent post. So, let me share that with you. As you know, I've been talking about starting provera and clomid at my next appointment which is coming up on the 12th. We've changed our minds. Being so close to that appointment made me start to feel anxious and scared. I desperately want to be pregnant and have a baby, but I also want to enjoy the process and everything that comes with pregnancy. I want to buy and wear cute maternity clothes, I want to take cute maternity photos, I want strangers to stop me on the street and ask when I'm due...unfortunately, with my weight, none of that would be possible. I got to thinking that if I start those meds soon, I could technically get pregnant in a few months! That really worried me! I couldn't imagine being this size, plus gaining pregnancy weight and carrying a baby in my belly. I had voiced my concern before about this, and with my appointment getting closer and closer, this concern just multiplied! So the hubby and I had a serious discussion about whether or not this is something we should really pursue right now. And when I say "serious discussion", that's exactly what I mean; days and days of long conversations going back and forth on our decision. We finally settled on what the right thing is for us right now.
      At my appointment, I am going to suggest putting provera and clomid on the back burner at least until the end of summer or early fall. I do want to ask and find out if going back on birth control would be smart or not, because I think it could easily get me back on a cycle plus it would keep us "safe" while we take the summer off. I am going to work my butt off in the gym and with my diet to lose as much weight as possible in that time so that at least I'm healthier when we start trying again. Plus, I've heard even just losing 10 pounds can help with infertility and hormones...who knows. Honestly, my goal is to lose 40 pounds by my brother-in-laws wedding in October. I feel like it's possible because, so far, since Monday I've lost just short of 6 pounds! So fingers crossed that I can do it!
      Making this decision was extremely difficult for us as we truly and desperately crave a baby and being parents and starting our family. However, we both think this is the best decision for us at this time. I'm praying that I stick with this and that this summer goes by fast so that we can be TTC again! See how impatient I am? :)

Transformation

      Well, if you've read all my posts up until now, you'll know I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Actually, I'm thinking my weight loss journey is more like a teeter-totter.  I have a good day, then a bad; I feel strong, or high, one day, and then weak and low the next. I know how to diet; I know what I should and shouldn't eat; I know that working out and being active are important; I even know what to do while at the gym. However, emotionally and mentally I haven't been able to stick to anything. I'm very negative and hard on myself, and most of the time I've felt like a complete failure.
      This week has been different! I feel amazing, from the inside out! I've been reading a new book, The Emotional Diet: How To Love Your Life More And Food Less by Bill Cashell. It's changing everything for me mentally. I honestly haven't felt this way in a long time! The only thing I'm struggling with is the fact that my outside doesn't match how I feel on the inside. However, I know that will come with time.

      I'm on a strict 1600 calorie diet. I'm on a strict exercise regimen working out 1.5-2 hours a day in the gym. I have heard that it takes a least 21 days for something to become a routine. I'm giving myself 21 days of this strict lifestyle changes to see if it is something I will be able to stick with. After giving it my all for 21 days, if I feel I need to change something, then I will do so then. I'm really enjoying these changes. I'm loving working out again and haven't been feeling lazy. I'm craving healthy foods, and haven't had any cravings for sweets or unhealthy foods. I'm excited to see where this takes me! I feel strong and proud.

This was yesterday. I did a 5k on the treadmill and cut my last time by nearly 3 minutes!

Food Prep!

      I decided to put a few hours time into prepping all my veggies so that I will actually eat them later! Usually what happens is that I'll buy lots of veggies at the store [thinking I'll actually stick to the diet], come home and put them in the fridge, and then they sit there until I have to eventually throw them away! Because, when I get hungry it's easier and way more convenient to grab a prepacked processed snack than it is to get the celery out, wash it, and cut it up!
    I got the lettuce, celery, cucumber, tomatoes, carrots, broccoli slaw, and regular broccoli out and washed it all and then started preparing bags of snacks and salads. I love salads, but the hubby hates them, so it's too much work for me to make a side salad with dinner for just myself...so I think anyway because I'm lazy. I wish I ate them more and tend to crave them a lot. I filled baggies with lettuce, broccoli slaw, cucumber, and tomatoes! I did some bags for side salads, with less veggies, and some bigger bags with more lettuce and such for a salad meal that I can later put chicken on or whatever. I also made snack size bags of celery and carrot sticks. And, I put some carrots and broccoli in the steamer bags so I don't have to do much work next time we need a vegetable side with dinner.
      I'm really hoping this helps me! I have good intentions when it comes to eating healthy, but I'm so lazy that I tend to skip healthier options because they're not quick most of the time. I think having everything prepared will drastically help. Next time I'm looking for a snack I can just grab a bag of celery since it's already prepared. And I can just grab the bag of broccoli to steam as a side quickly instead of avoiding it because I'd have to wash it and cut it up and then steam it. It will save me so much time later, even though it took nearly 2 hours to do today!
      I also started counting my calories today instead of doing weight watcher points. We'll see if this helps! And, my husband and I made some big decisions as far as TTC is concerned, but I'll save that for a later post.

my salads!

   

snacks of celery and carrots! there's also a bag of tomatoes too.

chopped up carrots, celery, and onion for a meal this week

UPDATE: I've had carrots and celery as snacks today! I knew this preparation experiment would help!!