New Journey

      We don't consider ourselves on a TTC journey anymore. I mean, technically, IF my body were to start working the right way and IF I were to just get pregnant on my own...great! We'd be so happy and excited. However, since that is not going to happen anytime soon, we are thinking we are done TTC for the next year! Starting this Friday, we are starting a new journey!
      We are calling it "A Year of Sacrifice- A Financial & Spiritual Journey"! We have decided to take a year off of EVERYTHING!

      From this November to November 2014, here are some rules or outlines we are following-

• NO fast food or eating out
• NO vacations or trips home
• NO shopping for anything, including presents for others (besides groceries)
• Cut back on monthly expenses
• Stick to a new budget

And, most importantly, PAY OFF ALL CREDIT CARD DEBT!

      Like I said, cold turkey...it's going to be so difficult but it's something that needs to be done. Unfortunately for us, anytime we try to commit to something or change something, we stick to it for a very short amount of time and then go back to old habits. This is part of the reason why we need to go cold turkey, because allowing a dinner out here and there would only make us want to eat out even more and sooner or later, we'd be back to eating out numerous times a week.
      We have $9,995 in credit card debt and our goal is to pay it all off by next November. That's a lot of money and because it's a large sum of debt, we are taking on any and all extra cash! My husband is currently working on changing to a new position at work where he'd be able to get more overtime! We also are going to donate plasma twice a week, which brings in an extra $400 per month with us both doing it! (I just started last week, and hubby is starting next week.)
      Because we won't be wasting money on eating out and shopping, we will also be able to put that money towards the debt! And because we won't be eating out and because we'll have a simple and small budget for groceries we are certain we'll lose weight! Also we will, more than anything, be relying on God's strength as our own isn't enough! We hope to grow closer to Him on this journey as well!
      We would so much rather sacrifice this year in order to have financial peace for our future family! We don't want to be stuck in this cycle of debt any longer!
      I'm telling you all here about our new plan to remain accountable. At least once a month I will update you on how we're doing and where our grand total of debt is at! Prayers to remain obedient and strong are greatly appreciated!

Two Years!

      This week marks our official two year "anniversary" of TTC! TWO. YEARS. NO BABY!?!?
      These last two years have been full of sadness, disappointment, and grief as we dealt with two miscarriages, lots of tests and medicine. Having made the decision recently to stop all treatment and give it all to God has made us so much stronger in faith!
      With my jealousy issues taking over less space in my heart and head, I have more time to reflect on how much of a blessing these last two years have been. We still have quite a bit of debt to eliminate, and weight to lose. Had we gotten pregnant earlier, we wouldn't be able to focus on these two areas and give them the attention they deserve.
     Also, I've posted previously on how wonderful and how much stronger my marriage has grown because of this whole ordeal. It has connected us in a way that might not have happened otherwise. I'm so proud of us and how much we've grown together.
      However, I think the relationship that has grown the most is my relationship with the Lord. I honestly, wholeheartedly, believe that He put me on this journey so that I could connect with Him and grown in Him. I can admit that two years ago when I started this journey, I thought we were special, that we deserved a baby. I was naive. Don't get me wrong, we are great people and will make wonderful parents. But, we are human; we have sins, and we have many areas that need strengthened. We thought we could do this on our own; that we were good enough and perfect...and that couldn't be farther from the truth. We needed to find God in a way that we hadn't before. We needed to trust in Him and Him alone. We needed to be humbled. We needed to be tested so that we could grow in many different areas. And it took us the majority of the first two years to realize this.
      I have full faith that as we continue to grow and change, we will finally get our miracle!

Happy Heart

      It's been awhile since I've posted! Last week we went back home to MI for my brother-in-law's wedding. It was great to see our family and friends again; plus the wedding was a lot of fun!

my husband (right) and his two brothers

I LOVE HIM!

photo with my new sister-in-law

      My heart is changing drastically still! I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst (thanks to my mother-in-law for giving it to me). I feel like that book was written just for me! Everything I'm struggling with; everything I need to change; everything I want for my life...was in this book! Now I'm just working on applying all of the concepts and making my new way of life a reality! This is the hard part...but I've learned that I was made for more; that God didn't curse me with a food addiction and obese body; this is just the path He put me on to get closer to Him. I highly recommend this book! 

      I can also wholeheartedly admit that my whole jealousy issues are starting to go away! I no longer pout when I get word that so-and-so is pregnant. I don't feel sorry for myself that everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. I daily ask God to take away the pain, anxiety, stress, and jealousy. I can't handle it and frankly it's not something that I need to focus my time and energy on, so I give it all to Him. I 120+% trust in Him and know that when the time is right, in His time, we will get pregnant! And since this problem with jealousy is minimal these days, I'm much happier and way more positive! 

Basic Training

      I am so happy to report that yesterday my husband and I started a new class at church. It is called "Basic Training: Getting Established in the Essentials of Following Jesus"! This is a ten week course, and at first that sounded really daunting, however, I am soooo excited! I think it is something we need. Jesus has saved me, and my heart has changed drastically in the last few weeks, but I still feel stupid when it comes to Christianity. Because of that, I tend to hold back instead of jumping in wholeheartedly and sharing my love for the Lord.
      Let me explain, I grew up Catholic; I even went to a Catholic school from 5th to 7th grade. I enjoyed many things about St. John Vianney {GO COMETS} but I never got into Catholicism. I always felt like it wasn't for me; I felt like I was forced into it by my parents. Because of those feelings, I never took religion class or mass seriously. I never tried to learn the Bible. Finally, in high school, my parents allowed me to branch out and I started searching for my place. I went to a different church every Sunday with each of my friends, and while I liked most of the services more than mass, it wasn't enough to make me committed. In college, a friend of mine got me involved in a Christian group on campus and I enjoyed it, but mostly for the social aspect. However, after freshman year, that friend and I started to grow apart and in turn I stopped going to group. I met my husband right before sophomore year of college and knowing he grew up religious I tried to follow him and take part in religion mostly to impress him or make him happy. It never felt real. Then, we moved to VA, got married, and felt alone down here so we jumped into the first church we were invited to. At first I enjoyed it, but again it was mostly for the social aspect. That quickly faded and we stopped going. With all that experimenting and testing the waters here and there, I never tried to learn; I never read the Bible; I never committed to it.
      What is different this time? LOTS! After this two year journey with TTC, everything changed for me. I am finally to the place I need to be to accept the Lord. My faith had been tested over and over again; I realized it probably was never there to begin with. And this time, we went to church for us to find what we've been missing and searching for. And it's been AMAZING!
      Anyway, I just wanted to share because I am so excited about this new class, and church, and all I'm learning about my faith and myself!

My Theme Song

      This is the theme song for my life right now. Every time I hear it, I feel like I can do anything or get over any hurdle I'm struggling with!

Clarification

      After I posted my last post I had two people ask if everything was okay in my relationship with my husband. When I said we needed to work on us, I was referring to our lifestyle- losing weight, getting out of debt, and working on our faith. Our marriage is perfectly fine, and never better to be honest.
      I am extremely obese and if I don't work on changing this now, I never will. Also, if I were to lose significant weight, TTC would be so much easier. I need to lose weight, but I am more looking forward to changing my relationship with food and just getting healthier. I want to transform my body into something I can be proud of instead of something I am embarrassed and ashamed of. My husband also needs to lose weight and change his relationship with food too.
      We are in quite a bit of credit card debt, and school loan debt, and are trying to work our way out of it. However, these past two months we've spent over $300 per cycle on Clomid. That extra money should have gone towards our debt to make things less tight for us. We desperately would like to eliminate at least half of our credit card debt by the time we get pregnant. I know that if we had gotten pregnant this cycle or before, we would have made it financially; but instead of spending money how we wanted, like spoiling our new baby, we'd still be working on getting out of debt. So I think taking a break would be a good idea even if it just gives us a few extra months to focus on getting rid of some debt.
      As you know from reading my posts, I have struggled greatly with my faith because I'm not able to fathom what we're going through. We had stopped going to church and started to believe that God was against us; that He was doing this to us because He didn't want us to be happy. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I'm still not sure on why we have been put on this TTC journey, but now instead of questioning it, I remind myself that God has a plan. For the last month we have been going to, and enjoying, a new church in our town. I can't even express to you the changes I'm noticing in myself. In fact, today we had Tony Nolan speak at service and by the end of the service I had recommitted my life to God. And for the first time...EVER, I did this publicly! I raised my hand when asked if I had committed my life to God today; I walked down front with a bunch of other people to be prayed over and cheered for by fellow church members; and I ended the service talking to and praying with a few other women. It was beyond wonderful. I can now honestly say that I read my Bible daily and that it is transforming my life in a way I never thought possible. I have been on such a heartbreaking journey these past two years and I had given up; but now...I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to put all of my faith in the Lord and wait for his plan to be unveiled. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
      Anyway, so that's why we're taking a break from TTC. We will take a few months off at the very least to focus on these three areas. I'm praying that we can make progress with each of these soon so that we can pick up TTC again. I'm not going to enjoy taking a break. Two of the moms I do daycare for had their baby girls this weekend, and as happy as I am, and as much as I already love them, my heart is a little sad because I want my own baby! I wish I was a patient person. But, at least I can still get my baby fix with these two babies until it's my turn.

Time For A Break

      Well, we've decided that we are done with Clomid and are going to take a break from TTC for a few months. It sucks, but we just need to take some time working on us for awhile. Please pray for us!