Changing....

      I haven't posted in forever! We are still on a break from TTC...but I am now off of birth control!
      Let me tell you about that!
      I had always missed days of BC; I'd skip a day here or there, or sometimes multiple days in a row...and each time I'd end up spotting until I took another pill. This past month, I'd missed numerous and consecutive days of pills, but I didn't spot...instead I started a period a week early. I was sure that meant that I'd be bleeding for a long time, but decided to wait it out and see what would happen. It stopped after 5 days and was a completely normal period! Again, I decided to see what would happen if I continued not taking BC. Today is CD 17, and I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since my period ended!
      I talked to my husband and we decided that I would just stop BC and see if this cycle I have another normal period. I think that I'm on the right track to getting my body and system back to the way it's supposed to be working. The reason why I think this is finally happening is because for almost the past month and a half, I've been doing the 21 Day Fix by Beachbody, and in my first round I lost 9.7 pounds and 15.5 inches (my second round ends on Monday). I have been working out [almost] daily, and have been making much better eating choices!
      I still don't think I'm ovulating...and just because I'm off BC doesn't mean we are technically trying to get pregnant. If it happens, cool; we'd be ecstatic...but if it doesn't then that's okay for now too. It's in God's hands.
      I honestly think, that if I continue this 21 Day Fix program, eating healthily and working out daily, and continuing to lose weight and inches, then I will start ovulating again soon!

*I am a Beachbody coach now because I believe in this program and want to help others...if you are trying to lose weight and change your lifestyle and health, please let me know! I'd love to help you out! Here is my website. Or, my email is kmbartlett23@yahoo.com.

Same Ole, Same Ole...

      I am just no good at blogging lately. I apologize. I guess it's because there's just not much to share!
      Weight loss is still a struggle and will continue to be even when I reach my goal weight years and years from now!
      Dixon is doing well. I am so happy we got him!

      We finally got a second vehicle yesterday. A 2000 Dodge Dakota SLT pickup truck for the husband; he loves it. We have been a one car family for well over a year...I am going to enjoy sleeping in a bit more now that I don't have to wake up early to drive him to work! :)

      Because of the new truck, we acquired more debt, but not too much more as it is older, used, and because we had about half of it saved up. We have been in a spending habit lately, and I'm praying we can get out of it again.
      Monday is my husband's 27th birthday! We went out to Red Robin (one of his favorite restaurants) last night for dinner.

      The whole TTC and baby situation is weighing heavily on us again as we have a few friends who had also been TTC for awhile finally get pregnant. We couldn't be happier for them! But, it makes us feel worse for ourselves. It just bothers me that I have no timeline for this. With our debt, I can make a budget, plan things out, and if we stick to it, we know exactly when we'll be debt free. With weight loss, if I could get my head on straight, it could be a near future success. But with having a baby, there is no timeline. Right now, I have no idea when we'll even be starting to TTC again and that drives me nuts! I hate it!

As of Lately...

      Things with dieting and working out are still giving me trouble. I am currently still down 16.1 pounds, and we've vowed to eat in [again]. Our whole point and reward system failed us and we've completely stopped. I don't know why I can't just do good with weight loss. I feel like such a failure sometimes.
      Dixon is doing well. He is the sweetest, cutest puppy ever! Potty training will be a long process, but he tries his best. I still absolutely love snuggling with him at night!
      We are still doing well with paying off debt. However, we haven't donated plasma in forever which means we are not gaining an extra $400 a month like we budgeted. That also means, unfortunately, that our credit card debt most likely will not be paid off in November like originally planned. However, I'm still proud of the sacrifices we continue to make.

I AM A MOMMY!

      Yesterday, my husband and I picked up our puppy whom we named Dixon. He is a chihuahua, weighs 1.5 pounds, and is 7 weeks old! He is the cutest, and sweetest little thing in the world! He slept in our bed with us all night. He is a wonderful snuggler as he never left my side! My heart is already full of so much love for him!

Car ride home

Mommy and Dixon

Dixon loves his baby

Family photo

Running with Daddy

After his first night at home

PS- my training session got canceled yesterday due to the weather...will let you know how it goes when I reschedule!

First Training Session

      Tonight I have my first training session at the gym. I am beyond nervous; I am scared. I already feel embarrassed! I've just been praying for strength and courage since I scheduled this appointment on Saturday. Our gym is very small, and always tends to be full. Because of this, I feel like people are staring at me, or secretly laughing, because it's funny that a fat person is at the gym? I feel like I know what is going through their heads; the judgement they're putting on me. It's not fair, because at least I'm there trying. So what if I'm slow on the treadmill or the elliptical; so what if I can't lift big weight...would you rather me be sitting at home on my couch, in front of the TV, snacking on potato chips? 

AMEN!

      I'm not where I would like to be yet as far as my weight loss is concerned. In the last two months, I am down 12.6 pounds and 9.5 inches. That's not great, but I am happy it is a loss and not a gain or even plateau. 

      My husband and I have created a points and rewards system to keep us motivated and up with our routines. We earn a point for eating at home, for going to the gym or at least working out, for going to Church (because we've gotten out of this habit sadly), and for donating plasma (another habit we've gotten out of, but need to do regularly if we want to pay off our debt by Nov). We lose a point for breaking our routine, whether it be skipping a planned gym day, or canceling a biolife appointment, or skipping church. We also lose a point for eating out and for spending money that isn't on our planned budget. We are still working on figuring out our rewards as we don't want something that will break our goals. We'll see how this whole thing works for us. Yes, we were influenced by my daycare kid's potty training reinforcements. HAHAHA 

      Anyway, wish me luck with the trainer tonight! 

Weighing Our Options

      The husband and I have been discussing and researching foster care a lot lately. Like A. LOT. We've even contacted a local agency with questions, so we'll see where that goes. Ultimately, if we decide to go ahead with this, we'd like to do foster care to eventually adopt. This would be the best way to go about adoption as far as finances are concerned, but emotionally, I think it'll be much more difficult. 

      In fact, I think I'm finally being honest with myself, and acknowledging that this isn't going to be as easy as we'd like. Throughout this research process, I have read countless articles, blog posts, and reviews, about how difficult foster care can be. I feel like I have a good grasp on both sides of the issue; all of the negatives and positives that come with foster care. However, with that said, my husband and I still constantly see this as only being a positive thing. Honestly, the way I see this going is that we'll sign up, get approved, get a baby/toddler, and within a year, we'll be able to legally adopt them. Boom. Done. 

      I KNOW THAT IT WON'T BE THAT EASY!! Like I said, realistically, that's not how it's going to happen. What if the parents fight hard to get the kid back? What if I become so attached, and then lose them? My heart is so big; I fall in love quickly and fall fast! I know before the dream of finalizing an adoption there is bound to be heartbreak! We could possibly go through a few kids before we get THE ONE. I just don't know if I can handle that! I want it to be easy and quick so that we can be parents.

      My other concern is that from the first meeting to the time we get approved, it could be a short two to three month process and we could have a child with us. I know that the soonest information meeting isn't until the end of April (2 months away). By the time the training, classes, and paperwork are finalized, and we get a child, it would be summer June/July. And our goal was, and still is, to lose enough weight so that we can resume TTC around June. So what happens if we sign up for foster care, get a child in June, start TTC also in June, and then become pregnant in the next few months; or would be have to push TTC back yet again? Could we handle our first full term (hopefully) pregnancy with a toddler/little kid running around? Could we handle being first time biological parents with foster kids potentially coming in and out of our home? Could we handle going through an adoption process with a baby? My husband says yes to all of those concerns. He has full faith in us. I suppose I do as well, but it is scary. 

      So many questions, concerns, and fears...We are praying like crazy about this; praying for an answer as to what to do! In the meantime, we are continuing our research and gathering information, so that we can make an informed, smart decision. 

Emotional Day

      As you know, I struggled a lot this week with poor diet and cravings. I was so positive and happy the week we juiced and then afterwards went back to my old eating habits...what kind of sense does that make?! It doesn't! So today, my husband and I went shopping to Costco, Walmart, and the local Farmers Market to buy veggies and fruit for another full week of juicing! Tomorrow, we are doing a colon cleanse before we start juicing on Monday. (Today, is a free day as we went out for breakfast and are going to a friends house for a belated birthday dinner and dessert for me!)
      Anyway, while we were out running errands I was on facebook in the car and posted there was news of a birth. An old friend of ours had their baby boy this morning. I am happy for them, really I am, but I am so jealous! In between running errands, I'd cry in the car. My husband couldn't understand why I was so upset as I 'knew she was pregnant for the last 6 months"!
      The reason is simply because I'm just so mad at myself. For the last two plus years, nothing has changed. If anything, things physically have gotten worse...at least in the beginning of our TTC journey we were able to get pregnant twice. In that time, I've lost two babies, things have changed with our friendship with those friends which ultimately resulted in us no longer hanging out, and they got to have a baby! We are still in the same situation, and it's all my fault. It's my fault that I've gained weight or at least haven't lost weight. It's my fault that I can't and don't ovulate. It's my fault that the medicines haven't worked. And it's my fault that my body just plainly sucks! In two years, they've moved on, and we're stuck baby-less and in the same exact situation! It's just not fair!
      I was still feeling sorry for myself as we got home. However, my spirits were raised when I checked the mail! We received a new letter from our sponsor child. Reading it made me cry some more. Not only is he such a sweet boy, but it made me realize something... Things have changed in that time. I have grown tremendously with Christ and I am a better Christian woman. That in and of itself is worth it! I feel like God put that letter in the mail for us to receive today when I was feeling down. He is so good!!!
      And ya know what? I am trying to change things...I have been the last two years! I may be on and off with my dieting; I may fail and have to start back up again, but, ultimately, I have not given up! I won't give up until I am finally able to love my body and have my body work correctly for me!