My Grandpa

      I do not have a very festive spirit today. I took down all my Christmas stuff and put them all away! My house is back to normal. Usually I leave my Christmas decor up until a few days after New Years, as long as I can, but I wanted them down now!
      So, my grandpa is in the hospital! He has pneumonia and another infection. When I was in high school, he had to have a lung transplant. After that he had multiple lung infections and has almost died a few times. Thankfully, each time he's pulled through. Last year he was on a waiting list for another lung transplant but for a whatever reason it never happened. His breathing keeps getting worse and worse and he's become very immobile, as walking even a few steps is too much for him to handle before he'd lose his breath and have to stop. Anyway, he went to the local hospital in Grand Rapids, MI yesterday but after talking with his specialist in Ann Arbor, they decided to move him to The University of Michigan hospital.

       When my dad called me last night to tell me grandpa was in the hospital, he suggested we start thinking about how we'll get home for a funeral. He also said to have my husband check into how much time he gets off for a loved ones passing. This made me really depressed even though we really don't know too much right now. My husband is telling me not to worry until we know more but I am feeling really guilty. My grandpa so badly wanted us to make him a great grandpa. He was so excited for future grand babies. Every time we'd see him he'd ask what was going on and how the whole TTC situation was coming along. He said he was holding on so that he could be around to meet our baby. Since I am on BC now and the whole baby making process is on hold for another 9-10 months, it feels hopeless to say he'll be around when we finally do get pregnant and have a baby.
      Also, a friend announced she's having a boy the other day, and another friend announced her pregnancy to me yesterday too. I know deep down I am happy for them, but I can't help but feel really bitter and jealous today! I think I need to go spend some time in my Bible and in prayer in hopes that I will be able to let these emotions go.

Have a Merry Christmas

      It's been a little while since I've updated. I am taking my birth control, but I'm still bleeding daily. Maybe it'll take a few cycles to fix things...

      My parents were here last week to celebrate an early Christmas. We had a wonderful time! However, we're still sad that we can't make it home this year for the actual day! 

      Our debt plan is still going really well! However, we have slipped and have ate out a bit. I think it's impossible to give up eating out cold turkey like we thought! I think only another month and our next credit card will be paid off!  Things are moving along faster than we anticipated! Being obedient is an amazing thing! :)

      Anyway, I pray you all have a very Merry Christmas! 

Birth Control

      Just picked up my prescription for birth control, Ortho Cyclen. This should regulate me and stop the daily bleeding which I'm looking forward to! However, I'm sad about starting it too. Logically I know we cannot get pregnant right now on our own, but there was always a little glimmer of hope. I hoped it'd just magically happen. After all, we weren't preventing it, so why couldn't it?! I know, I know...cause of the no ovulation thing and the stupid bleeding issue (like I said, logically, I know we can't get pregnant). Everyone kept commenting, saying now that we aren't trying and stressing over it that it'll just happen. I guess I hoped they were right!
      Now though we are technically preventing it and that bothers me! I'm hoping I can focus on losing weight/getting healthy and then can get off of it sooner rather than later!
      I will also admit that I have this daydream in the back of my head about getting pregnant right after I stop taking it again! When we first decided to start TTC it was October 2011 (that was my last full cycle on BC), we got pregnant right away! We found out the beginning of December that we were pregnant and then miscarried later that month! So maybe, just maybe, that will also happen this time around. Wouldn't that be wonderful!?! A girl can dream anyway...
      Wish me luck on BC! Pray for me, that this helps regulate me and stops the daily bleeding!

Uh...

      I am still bleeding every day! I know I'm sure you all want to stay up to date on this right?! Haha...
      Well, I'm just writing because it is seriously frustrating me. 27 straight days of bleeding. I just went to Costco and bought a major package of pads since it looks like I'll be needing them daily verses just a few days a month like normal women.
      Seriously, there is ZERO chance of getting pregnant due to this. Not only does it mean I'm not on a cycle necessary to ovulate and become pregnant, but it also leaves little room for intimacy with my husband. In these last 27 days we've had sex twice. TWO. TIMES. Ugh...it makes things gross and definitely unromantic. There is nothing special or sweet about our, uh, intimacy. I really can't complain and write all the frustrations here because my MIL reads this (HI!), but it is super annoying as I'm sure you can imagine!
     

       

My Boastful, Sinful Nature

      Today, through church, I was called out on my boastful, sinful nature. Let me tell you, I feel like I've been knocked off this high horse I thought I deserved to be on...huge sense of humility right here!
      I think I've briefly touched on this before, but through a guest speaker at church this morning, I felt this tug at my heart. Have you ever heard the story of the pharisee and the tax collector? Take a look at Luke 18: 9-14. Basically, the pharisee went in praying about all he does; about how great he is; about how much better is he than others, including the tax collector; about his sinLESS nature. The tax collector on the other hand went in admitting his sinful ways, calling himself plainly and simply a sinner and asking wholeheartedly for God's mercy. Even when you compare their body language and attitude: the pharisee went right up front, away from everyone else (in his eyes, away from all the sinners); while the tax collector stayed back, head bowed, and beating on his chest.

      Basically, what was taught today, was that the pharisee took the Behavioral Righteousness Approach; this includes a religious bubble (physically separating himself from others, acting out his words which also separated him from the sinners); beauty pageant (doing things to make himself look better than others such as the fasting); and being high and mighty. When we are more concerned with gaining acceptance from others by the behavioral righteousness approach, we are saying that we are better than God and that we know better. How many of you have done things at church or in the community that makes us look better? Like doing these acts, above and beyond, will make us more likely to get into Heaven. Or have thought, I'm a good person compared to so-and-so and therefore deserve this over them?
      The tax collector took the Credited Righteousness Approach, which is what we all should do! He mourned his sin and turned to God's mercy. He kept faith in God's provision, knowing that it is God, and God alone, who can set him free. John Piper said, "We are not justified by the righteousness that Christ works in us, but by the righteousness Christ is for us." We can do all of these acts and services and gain good recognition in our church and community, but it is not by these works we do that we gain acceptance. God gave us His only son, Jesus, as an example on how to live. He let His son die to forgive us of our sins. "Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection so we can experience the ultimate approval", Tim Keller. We are all sinners; every one's sin is different, but there isn't a scale as to who's sin is greater or less; in God's eyes sin is sin. (For example, I know some people who believe that a gay man sins more than himself who only watches porn. But to God, both are equally sin!)

      Anyway, I don't even know if I am making any sense to you, maybe you had to be in our church service this morning to get anything from this message. But, I wanted to share this story from Luke with you all because I am guilty of being exactly like the pharisee, but I want to strive to be more like the tax collector. I realized through this message today that I definitely took the first approach, especially during our TTC journey. I constantly prayed and compared myself to other women, and parents, telling God that I am a better woman than them, and therefore I deserve a baby more. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but she is currently pregnant with her 4th child and on her 3rd baby daddy, all of which shes never been married to. I prayed over and over again about how unfair God was being by allowing her all these babies, but allowing only miscarriages to me and my HUSBAND! Or anytime I would hear a story in the news about a mother/father abusing their children I would cry and question "Why are they allowed to be parents, and we're not?!" I'll be honest, it still doesn't make any sense. But what I've realized these last few months on this new relationship with the Lord, and definitely through today's service and bible story, is that I AM A SINNER; MY HUSBAND IS A SINNER! The sin of the unwed mother or abusive parents, while it is extreme to me, to God it is comparable to all of my sins. I am not a perfect person, I sin daily. All this time, I thought I was better than others and therefore deserved a baby more. But in reality, I am a sinner just like everyone else. I feel completely humbled by this lesson this week and will continue to strive to be more like the tax collector, as no acts or works can earn my acceptance with the Lord. He already accepts and loves me; I need to rely on His mercy and love to set me free!

Onward & Upward

      Medical bills are all paid off!  
      But besides that I'm at a loss for what to write about! Things have been going soo extrememly well that there's not much else happening. We are on track with our plan and are sticking to it 110%. We've been selling extra stuff still, including my husbands beloved XBOX (his decision), which is being put towards debt. And, I've been working over 40 hours a week (keep in mind my average week was about 25 previously), so that is also changing things for us! However, Thanksgiving break and Christmas break are coming up soon which means I will have a lot of down time. I contemplated getting a part time holiday job, but decided against it as I didn't want to have to stress about scheduling when I am doing my daycare. And, we are both still donating plasma twice a week which is bringing in the majority of our extra money towards debt.
      It has been 3 full weeks since our Sacrifice Plan has begun and we are well on our way to being debt free. Smallest first credit card is paid off, medical bills are paid off, and so far an extra $200 has been put towards our next smallest credit card.
      For me, the hardest part has been not shopping. I want to be shopping for Christmas presents for our families and friends, but we're not giving gifts this year which will save us easily a few hundred dollars this holiday season! The hardest part for my husband has been not eating out. I can't even count how many times he's asked to go to Taco Bell to eat (TB IS HIS OBSESSION)! During these last 2 1/2 years of marriage, we have both lacked obedience and willpower when it comes to spending money, especially eating out, but we are remaining so strong in this time of sacrifice! I do believe it's God's strength, love, and grace getting us through this time!

Progress

      Well, I'm happy to report that our smallest credit card is officially paid off! It was only a balance of $250 we owed, but having it gone feels wonderful! And, it is also was our smallest monthly payment of $25, but now that that card is paid off, that $25 will go towards our next credit card!
      We are making very good progress and are super proud of ourselves. To some our progress wouldn't mean much, but to us it's everything! It's been awhile since we've set a goal and budget and stuck to it 100%. We are extremely proud of the fact that we haven't eaten out once since we started this! :)
      I am still bleeding...I'm pretty certain that I'm back to my old ways of bleeding everyday which disappoints me! I guess we really are taking the next year off! I'm wondering if I should just go back on birth control...maybe it would help me get back on a cycle, or at least prevent me from bleeding daily!? I'm not sure yet.

Help Me Find It

      Period? Not sure. I mentioned 5 days ago that I had been spotting well that stopped that evening. But today, late afternoon, I started spotting again. I wouldn't say that it's an actual flow, but it is enough for a thin, regular pad. As I was wondering again if it would turn into a period, I got to thinking that I used to spot like this daily before starting Progesterone. So now that I'm no longer on that medicine, I wonder if my body is going back to that? If so, I will be really frustrated! Praying that that isn't the case!
      Anyway, I heard this song on K-Love this afternoon- Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets. I was waiting in the car to get my daycare kiddo from preschool and ended up being a little late to go in because I was just dumbstruck by this song and how it fits me! As I sat there, with tears in my eyes, I prayed over and over the words of this song. I feel like there are so many areas in my life that I am trying to change right now and though I know I can't do it without Jesus, I sometimes still have a hard time letting go. I will just leave you with this song; maybe it will touch you as it touched me!

(I was on mobile and couldn't see the video so if that's the case for you, here is the link: Help Me Find It)

Two Steps Backwards

      Thankfully we have been doing really well with not spending and making extra money to save, but we've gotten some extra bills in the mail too so we're not actually ahead like we thought! So frustrating! I just got my first bill from August for a progesterone blood test I did- $157...what makes me mad about this is that my doctors office never asked me if I wanted to pay it that day. Had they asked, and had I paid it, I would have received a discount and therefore saved some money. Anyway, so I'm just now getting this bill. And, from our most recent trip home last month, we didn't have cash for two toll roads and my hubby thought we could just use our debit card...turns out ya can't and we went through the "no cash/EZ Pass" lane...so we got two bills in the mail each with an additional $25 fee. Sucks! So all extra money from last week and this week getting put towards debt is now going to be paid to these new bills!
      Thankfully this hasn't brought us down too much and we are still staying on track!

So Far, So Good...

      We officially started our new journey yesterday, however, we were actually following all of the rules since this past Sunday!
      This week I continued donating plasma for the extra cash. I also picked up any and every extra hour offered with my daycare families this week which was a nice little bit of extra change. And to top it off, I added a bunch of items online to sell and just yesterday I made an extra $51 from doing that! So this week alone, we've put an extra $192 towards debt! I can't even tell you how happy that makes me!
      I also started spotting yesterday, and today, so who knows what this means. I'm interested in seeing if it turns into a period or not. I'm currently on CD43!
      That's all for now! :)

New Journey

      We don't consider ourselves on a TTC journey anymore. I mean, technically, IF my body were to start working the right way and IF I were to just get pregnant on my own...great! We'd be so happy and excited. However, since that is not going to happen anytime soon, we are thinking we are done TTC for the next year! Starting this Friday, we are starting a new journey!
      We are calling it "A Year of Sacrifice- A Financial & Spiritual Journey"! We have decided to take a year off of EVERYTHING!

      From this November to November 2014, here are some rules or outlines we are following-

• NO fast food or eating out
• NO vacations or trips home
• NO shopping for anything, including presents for others (besides groceries)
• Cut back on monthly expenses
• Stick to a new budget

And, most importantly, PAY OFF ALL CREDIT CARD DEBT!

      Like I said, cold turkey...it's going to be so difficult but it's something that needs to be done. Unfortunately for us, anytime we try to commit to something or change something, we stick to it for a very short amount of time and then go back to old habits. This is part of the reason why we need to go cold turkey, because allowing a dinner out here and there would only make us want to eat out even more and sooner or later, we'd be back to eating out numerous times a week.
      We have $9,995 in credit card debt and our goal is to pay it all off by next November. That's a lot of money and because it's a large sum of debt, we are taking on any and all extra cash! My husband is currently working on changing to a new position at work where he'd be able to get more overtime! We also are going to donate plasma twice a week, which brings in an extra $400 per month with us both doing it! (I just started last week, and hubby is starting next week.)
      Because we won't be wasting money on eating out and shopping, we will also be able to put that money towards the debt! And because we won't be eating out and because we'll have a simple and small budget for groceries we are certain we'll lose weight! Also we will, more than anything, be relying on God's strength as our own isn't enough! We hope to grow closer to Him on this journey as well!
      We would so much rather sacrifice this year in order to have financial peace for our future family! We don't want to be stuck in this cycle of debt any longer!
      I'm telling you all here about our new plan to remain accountable. At least once a month I will update you on how we're doing and where our grand total of debt is at! Prayers to remain obedient and strong are greatly appreciated!

Two Years!

      This week marks our official two year "anniversary" of TTC! TWO. YEARS. NO BABY!?!?
      These last two years have been full of sadness, disappointment, and grief as we dealt with two miscarriages, lots of tests and medicine. Having made the decision recently to stop all treatment and give it all to God has made us so much stronger in faith!
      With my jealousy issues taking over less space in my heart and head, I have more time to reflect on how much of a blessing these last two years have been. We still have quite a bit of debt to eliminate, and weight to lose. Had we gotten pregnant earlier, we wouldn't be able to focus on these two areas and give them the attention they deserve.
     Also, I've posted previously on how wonderful and how much stronger my marriage has grown because of this whole ordeal. It has connected us in a way that might not have happened otherwise. I'm so proud of us and how much we've grown together.
      However, I think the relationship that has grown the most is my relationship with the Lord. I honestly, wholeheartedly, believe that He put me on this journey so that I could connect with Him and grown in Him. I can admit that two years ago when I started this journey, I thought we were special, that we deserved a baby. I was naive. Don't get me wrong, we are great people and will make wonderful parents. But, we are human; we have sins, and we have many areas that need strengthened. We thought we could do this on our own; that we were good enough and perfect...and that couldn't be farther from the truth. We needed to find God in a way that we hadn't before. We needed to trust in Him and Him alone. We needed to be humbled. We needed to be tested so that we could grow in many different areas. And it took us the majority of the first two years to realize this.
      I have full faith that as we continue to grow and change, we will finally get our miracle!

Happy Heart

      It's been awhile since I've posted! Last week we went back home to MI for my brother-in-law's wedding. It was great to see our family and friends again; plus the wedding was a lot of fun!

my husband (right) and his two brothers

I LOVE HIM!

photo with my new sister-in-law

      My heart is changing drastically still! I just finished a book called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst (thanks to my mother-in-law for giving it to me). I feel like that book was written just for me! Everything I'm struggling with; everything I need to change; everything I want for my life...was in this book! Now I'm just working on applying all of the concepts and making my new way of life a reality! This is the hard part...but I've learned that I was made for more; that God didn't curse me with a food addiction and obese body; this is just the path He put me on to get closer to Him. I highly recommend this book! 

      I can also wholeheartedly admit that my whole jealousy issues are starting to go away! I no longer pout when I get word that so-and-so is pregnant. I don't feel sorry for myself that everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. I daily ask God to take away the pain, anxiety, stress, and jealousy. I can't handle it and frankly it's not something that I need to focus my time and energy on, so I give it all to Him. I 120+% trust in Him and know that when the time is right, in His time, we will get pregnant! And since this problem with jealousy is minimal these days, I'm much happier and way more positive! 

Basic Training

      I am so happy to report that yesterday my husband and I started a new class at church. It is called "Basic Training: Getting Established in the Essentials of Following Jesus"! This is a ten week course, and at first that sounded really daunting, however, I am soooo excited! I think it is something we need. Jesus has saved me, and my heart has changed drastically in the last few weeks, but I still feel stupid when it comes to Christianity. Because of that, I tend to hold back instead of jumping in wholeheartedly and sharing my love for the Lord.
      Let me explain, I grew up Catholic; I even went to a Catholic school from 5th to 7th grade. I enjoyed many things about St. John Vianney {GO COMETS} but I never got into Catholicism. I always felt like it wasn't for me; I felt like I was forced into it by my parents. Because of those feelings, I never took religion class or mass seriously. I never tried to learn the Bible. Finally, in high school, my parents allowed me to branch out and I started searching for my place. I went to a different church every Sunday with each of my friends, and while I liked most of the services more than mass, it wasn't enough to make me committed. In college, a friend of mine got me involved in a Christian group on campus and I enjoyed it, but mostly for the social aspect. However, after freshman year, that friend and I started to grow apart and in turn I stopped going to group. I met my husband right before sophomore year of college and knowing he grew up religious I tried to follow him and take part in religion mostly to impress him or make him happy. It never felt real. Then, we moved to VA, got married, and felt alone down here so we jumped into the first church we were invited to. At first I enjoyed it, but again it was mostly for the social aspect. That quickly faded and we stopped going. With all that experimenting and testing the waters here and there, I never tried to learn; I never read the Bible; I never committed to it.
      What is different this time? LOTS! After this two year journey with TTC, everything changed for me. I am finally to the place I need to be to accept the Lord. My faith had been tested over and over again; I realized it probably was never there to begin with. And this time, we went to church for us to find what we've been missing and searching for. And it's been AMAZING!
      Anyway, I just wanted to share because I am so excited about this new class, and church, and all I'm learning about my faith and myself!

My Theme Song

      This is the theme song for my life right now. Every time I hear it, I feel like I can do anything or get over any hurdle I'm struggling with!

Clarification

      After I posted my last post I had two people ask if everything was okay in my relationship with my husband. When I said we needed to work on us, I was referring to our lifestyle- losing weight, getting out of debt, and working on our faith. Our marriage is perfectly fine, and never better to be honest.
      I am extremely obese and if I don't work on changing this now, I never will. Also, if I were to lose significant weight, TTC would be so much easier. I need to lose weight, but I am more looking forward to changing my relationship with food and just getting healthier. I want to transform my body into something I can be proud of instead of something I am embarrassed and ashamed of. My husband also needs to lose weight and change his relationship with food too.
      We are in quite a bit of credit card debt, and school loan debt, and are trying to work our way out of it. However, these past two months we've spent over $300 per cycle on Clomid. That extra money should have gone towards our debt to make things less tight for us. We desperately would like to eliminate at least half of our credit card debt by the time we get pregnant. I know that if we had gotten pregnant this cycle or before, we would have made it financially; but instead of spending money how we wanted, like spoiling our new baby, we'd still be working on getting out of debt. So I think taking a break would be a good idea even if it just gives us a few extra months to focus on getting rid of some debt.
      As you know from reading my posts, I have struggled greatly with my faith because I'm not able to fathom what we're going through. We had stopped going to church and started to believe that God was against us; that He was doing this to us because He didn't want us to be happy. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I'm still not sure on why we have been put on this TTC journey, but now instead of questioning it, I remind myself that God has a plan. For the last month we have been going to, and enjoying, a new church in our town. I can't even express to you the changes I'm noticing in myself. In fact, today we had Tony Nolan speak at service and by the end of the service I had recommitted my life to God. And for the first time...EVER, I did this publicly! I raised my hand when asked if I had committed my life to God today; I walked down front with a bunch of other people to be prayed over and cheered for by fellow church members; and I ended the service talking to and praying with a few other women. It was beyond wonderful. I can now honestly say that I read my Bible daily and that it is transforming my life in a way I never thought possible. I have been on such a heartbreaking journey these past two years and I had given up; but now...I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to put all of my faith in the Lord and wait for his plan to be unveiled. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
      Anyway, so that's why we're taking a break from TTC. We will take a few months off at the very least to focus on these three areas. I'm praying that we can make progress with each of these soon so that we can pick up TTC again. I'm not going to enjoy taking a break. Two of the moms I do daycare for had their baby girls this weekend, and as happy as I am, and as much as I already love them, my heart is a little sad because I want my own baby! I wish I was a patient person. But, at least I can still get my baby fix with these two babies until it's my turn.

Time For A Break

      Well, we've decided that we are done with Clomid and are going to take a break from TTC for a few months. It sucks, but we just need to take some time working on us for awhile. Please pray for us!

Wilner

      I have exciting news! My husband and I felt led yesterday to accept a sponsor child into our family from Haiti! Every month our money will pay for his Christian education, school uniforms, food, etc. We are looking forward to spoiling him by sending gifts and lots of love! It is now on our bucket list to travel to Haiti to meet him!

      I feel like he is my honorary child and that this child will help me remain patient while we wait for our biological child!
     I am CD23, and this morning I have my progesterone blood test to confirm ovulation. And AF is due on Saturday; I'm praying she stays away and that we get a BFP!

Mittelschmerz

      Unbelievable pain in my right ovary since Saturday! PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING that it's a good sign and that I ovulated! It was so painful that on Sunday during sex, we had to stop...it was killing me. It is absolutely horrible still and it's already Tuesday! I did some research and figure that the pain is what is known as Mittelschmerz which means "middle pain" because it happens halfway through your cycle, around ovulation. Anyway, I have my progesterone blood test on Monday to confirm ovulation. Now begins the two week wait...

Change of Heart

      We haven't been happy with our church for awhile. And then, we kind of gave up hope and because of our situation and the circumstances, we became confused about our relationships with God. However, we've been feeling this pull to get connected to Him again. So yesterday, we tried out a new church in our area...and we LOVED it! It was the first time in a long time where I actually felt something in church...the pastor spoke in a way that drew me in. I have always had a difficult time paying attention in church and tend to lose focus very quickly, but yesterday I listened and took in every. single. word. It was wonderful!
      We are going to put everything into making this a new family; someplace where we feel safe and loved; somewhere where we feel connected. We are attending a class they are having there on Wednesday evening this week, and an event that they're having next Sunday. We also plan to introduce ourselves to the pastor at the service on Sunday.
      I feel like I'm ready to ask for help. At this point, my husband and I are both confused about what to do with our situation. We almost feel that if we're not pregnant by November, then we've done everything medically that we can do for the time being. And maybe, the fact that everything medically has failed is because God is trying to tell us NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! But that just confuses us because we don't understand why it's not; why not now; why not us? I feel like maybe if we seek some guidance spiritually, then we'll be able to accept that. I'm hoping anyway that if we ask for help, then it will be easier to remain patient and come to terms with the fact that God is in charge and has a plan laid out for us!

November

      TTC will continue until November...if we're not pregnant by then we are going to put TTC on the back burner. PRAYING we are pregnant by then!!
      Stopping all medicine, tests, and doctor visits will be heartbreaking! However, if we can't get pregnant by November then we will take it as a hint that it's not in our plan for now. We will take some time off to work on ourselves; to focus on eliminating more debt and changing our lifestyle and diet. It is going to be depressing and very difficult, so we are praying with all of our might that we are pregnant in the next 3 cycles!

Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE

      Seems like everyone is pregnant! So many friends have just announced that they're expecting! I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel! Though, I'll try!
I feel jealous!
I feel sorry for myself!
I feel confused!
I feel angry!
I feel depressed!
I feel sad!
I feel ignored!
      And yet, with all of those negative emotions, I feel happy for them as well! It's definitely a mixture of contradicting emotions and I hate it!
      I think the thing that gets me the most is that I just can't wrap my head around why they are lucky enough to get pregnant and we're not! Are they doing something that I'm not? And I don't mean medically, I mean spiritually. Why did God chose now was the right time for them and it's still not the right time for us! WHY?
      I know I'll never get an answer. I'm trying so extremely hard to just keep faith in the situation and trust in the Lord. But as time goes by, it just keeps getting harder and harder.
      Anyway, I'm cd10, and yesterday was the last day of clomid for this cycle! I'll start OPKs soon. I stopped temping this cycle because it just wasn't working for me and was adding lots of extra stress on me. Praying like crazy that I ovulate!

Things Aren't Going Our Way

      Well, things aren't going our way! It's getting to be very frustrating and as a result, husband and I are extremely depressed.Ugh.
      My husband has been applying to a bunch of jobs over the last two months as he is not happy with his current employment; also something better financially would be ideal too. He applied for one a week before a friend and that friend found out yesterday that he already got in for an interview. On the other hand, my husband's applications (he applied for two different positions within this company) haven't even been opened or reviewed! He is trying so hard to find something better and hasn't had any luck. He feels drained and feels like nothing is going our way!
      Not only can he not find a new job, we also can't get pregnant. It's like everything we're hoping, wishing, and praying for is right before us, but we can't have it. We are doing everything in our power to find a new job and have a baby and yet we're getting no where. It honestly feels like God doesn't want us to be happy. I know I'm supposed to be thankful for the things I do have, and I am, but what about the other desires that are on our hearts? Why can't we have those? Why not us? What more can we do? What is He wanting for us? We can't figure it out!
      What is the purpose for all of this unhappiness? I know God has us on this path, right where He wants us, leading us to what He has planned for our lives; BUT...why and what is this plan?! You know, maybe all of these ideas and dreams we have for ourselves are not where God sees us or what He wants for our lives, and maybe that is okay. But what I can't figure out is why doesn't God want us to have a baby? Why doesn't He want my husband in a job that he is happy in? Why doesn't He want us in a better financial situation? What is the purpose of all of this waiting?
      I hate not knowing the answer to these questions. And I hate even more having to be patient. The problem is that we've been trying to be patient for 2 years now! How much longer do we have to wait?
      Oh, and to top it all off...we got rear ended yesterday! Thankfully, we are all okay...though there is quite a bit of damage to our car!

Round 2 Starts Tomorrow!

      I had an ultrasound today to check for cysts. It is mandatory between Clomid cycles and of course insurance doesn't cover it...$165 visit today! Anyway, the ultrasound technician was so sweet and kept repeating over and over that my ovaries looked "great". She said they looked healthy and that I should have no problems on this end. So I talked to the nurse and got my new dose of 100mg prescribed. I asked her about the progesterone and how it makes me have short 27 day cycles and my concern with the fact that if Clomid makes me ovulate late, then I might not have enough time for the egg to stick once fertilized before my next cycle would begin. She said she thinks I would have enough time, but that is a possibility. For now, she said I should continue the progesterone like I have been and if it becomes a problem once I finally ovulate they'll change my schedule for that.
      So everything looks great so far! I just have to keep up with my dieting and exercising in the meantime. That is difficult for me, but now that I'm back to working full-time, I remain busy which helps stick to a routine.

Confirmed.

      I had my annual visit on Monday and also did my day 21 progesterone test (even though I was technically at CD22). I told my doctor that the OPKs came back negative everyday since Clomid, and she said she was fairly certain then that the blood test would show the same thing. However, Tuesday I got a call from the nurse saying that the test showed I did ovulate. Which I then asked if that could be because I'm taking progesterone pills?! So she checked with my doctor and my doctor said "yes that is possible"...so I didn't O I suppose, which is what I suspected. I asked then how I'm supposed to know if I O and the nurse said just keep using the OPKs and they'll continues the day 21 tests. However, I think I'm going to talk with my doctor because I don't want to waste time and money going in for day 21 progesterone tests if they're always going to be positive because of the progesterone pills I'm taking. My doctor told me that she will put me on 100mg this cycle, so now I'm just waiting on my period to start which should be this weekend.
      I knew 50mg was going to be a waste of time! I'm remaining hopeful that Clomid will work for me. I'm praying that this next cycle on 100mg will at least make me O...if it does that, but I don't end up pregnant I will still be happy because I'll be one step closer...
      Praying it works like crazy in the next 2 cycles because November is approaching quickly and I really want to be pregnant by then so that I don't have to go see a specialist! Pray with me! :)

No O Yet!

      I'm on CD15 and still haven't ovulated. It's getting me worried because the last two cycles have only been 27 days. I'm really hoping I O soon, but it doesn't feel like I'm going to. I've usually been able to feel ovulation, but there are no signs that it might be coming. I guess I'm just going to stop worrying about it, and just plan on being on Clomid again next cycle. I was really hope this would work this cycle. If I do O soon I still have a chance, but we'll see.

August 9th

      It's been a year since my very first due date. I feel sad when I think about the fact that we should have a one year old this year! I have come to terms with the miscarriage, but it's days like today that make me feel a little bitter. However, I know that God has a plan for us; I just have to put my faith in Him. I pray that by this time next year we have a little baby in our arms, or at least growing in my belly.

This Cycle

      I took my first Clomid pill yesterday! Today is CD6 and day 2 of Clomid. I've been thinking about all the tools I'm using and really feel like we could get pregnant this cycle. However, I'm starting to feel worried that I'm being TOO positive and am setting myself up for disappointment.
      So, this cycle consists of....

• Clomid- 50mg [should] induce ovulation
• Progesterone- "hormone of pregnancy"; needed to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy
• Metformin- lowers insulin and blood sugar in PCOS
• Prenatal Vitamin- duh
• Maca Root- balances hormones
• Zinc- helps with the production of estrogen and progesterone
• B6- can lengthen luteal phase and increase progesterone 
• B12- aids in ovulation; helps prevent birth defects 
• Robitussin WITH Guaifenesin- loosens and thins CM
• Preseed- fertility friendly lubricant (one of Clomid's side effects is vaginal dryness and CM is important when TTC)
• OPKs- Ovulation Prediction Kits; pinpoints ovulation

      My husband is also taking a multivitamin as well as the B12 vitamin which can help improve low sperm count. He is also taking zinc which is essential for the health of the sperm.

      There is a lot going into this TTC process and I know someday it will all be worth it. For now, we are praying all of these medical and health supplements and medications work and that God will bless us with a full-term pregnancy and healthy baby!

New Insight

      So I was just watching 700 Club on TV…I’ve never watched this before. In fact, I remember when I was younger and it would come on in the mornings I’d get so frustrated and instantly turn the channel. Well, it came on after Boy Meets World on ABCFamily a bit ago, and I decided to stick it out to see what it was about. The first story was of a husband and wife who gave birth to twin girls who had fluid on their brains and ended up dying 11 days later. Yeah, sounds heartbreaking right!? Well, I’m sharing this with you because I got so much out of their story.

      As you can imagine they really struggled with God after this happened and couldn’t understand “why us”; “why them”; “where were You”? All I kept thinking about was how that was my husband and I, and has been him and I ever since our miscarriages. We still can’t grasp why this happened to us and why we’re having such difficulty conceiving now. Each time we’ve had the miscarriage, or gotten a BFN since then we curl up in a ball and become depressed, thinking all of these horrible negative thoughts towards God. The other thing was that by doing this, we became scared to share this with others. I’ve come a long way, and don’t mind being upfront and honest, but my husband still has a difficult time with it. His concern (and sometimes mine) is that if people know we’re losing babies and having difficulty TTC what will they think of us? Also, if we tell others that we are pregnant, and then have another miscarriage, not only are we hurt but our friends and family would be hurt too. Why should we put that pain on them as well? And sharing all this hurt with people makes us vulnerable and honestly almost appear broken.

      What I’ve taken away from that couples struggles was this…it’s okay to be transparent; it’s okay to be real and express your true feelings and emotions; it’s okay to be vulnerable…because will all of this comes humility. Becoming depressed and sad is sometimes hard to avoid, however you have a choice with what you’re going to do with it. Crawling into a ball, climbing into bed, and removing yourself from the rest of the world allows the devil and negativity into your heart. Once that happens, you will continue to turn more and more away from God. Obviously that’s not what we want.

      Also, keeping our emotions in and developing a fear of man and trying to put on a façade to hide yourself from others will only make you more abandoned and more afraid to deal with that helplessness. Opening up, expressing yourself, becoming transparent, and sharing your weaknesses, pain, and fears before the Lord will you give a stronger identity. God knows you inside and out, even when we don’t express to him our pain and fears, He knows them, so why not be honest? Trusting and leaning on God’s word even through rough times makes God’s presence upon our hearts genuine. It’s so easy to give up in difficult times. 

      I discussed before my fear about sharing the news of a new pregnancy right away; this fear was on my mind while watching this program. I’m going to be transparent. I’m going to express myself through this process. I’m not going to turn inward in fear and pain. I am going to remain hopeful and trusting of God. Even if a new pregnancy ends in another miscarriage, I will survive and make it through that pain with God, family, and friends just as I have before.

UPDATE: Fingers Crossed

      Well they got me in today! Thank goodness!! We went over the schedule for clomid and the different steps to taking it. I think it went well. I will officially start it on Friday, CD5.

      Last night when I was so worried about not being able to start it this month I felt like I'd lost all hope and faith. But today, I feel wonderful. As I was leaving my house to go to my appointment I saw something by the curb next door...a crib! I stopped and took a look at it and it was beautiful and in really good shape. It had all of the pieces except for the mattress. I was talking to my hubby on the phone so I asked if I should stop and grab it and he said yes. I instantly thought that it must be some sort of sign!! Well, when I got home I got it all unloaded from the car and googled the model number...and we can't use it! It had been recalled due to the brackets and it's also is from 1998 and it's suggested not to buy/use a crib more than 10 years old. I'm kind of disappointed because I sort of love it, but oh well, it's not like we need it just yet anyway. So to our curb it's going! 

      However...I got the mail after my appointment, and my freebies came in! I got a carseat cover for free and a nursing cover for free! I love them! 

      I'm feeling very positive and excited! 

Fingers Crossed

      So last cycle I spotted for two days, and then started a period. I assumed this cycle would be the same. However, I started spotting late yesterday morning and as the day progressed it turned into a full period. What that means is that by the time my appointment rolls around on Monday I'll be at CD7 which means that I would be too late to start Clomid. Clomid usually has to be taken CD5-9. So basically I'd have to wait until my next cycle, or September to officially start Clomid. I was so upset last night when I realized this that I cried myself to sleep.
      I called my doctors office this morning right at 8 and talked to the nurse. I am currently waiting to hear back from them as she was going to ask my Doctor about my situation. I'm hoping that either they can just prescribe me Clomid early to start at CD5, and then I could still go to my appointment on Monday like planned, or that I could just get in earlier sometime this week!
      I will keep you all updated! Praying that this all works out for the best as I would hate to have to wait a whole extra cycle! I want to get this done!

Two Month Update

      Today marks two months of trying to lose weight. I will admit I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not going to blame it on excuses (though I do have some) because I know I didn't push myself 100%. To be honest, I am disappointed, but at the same time I'm proud of myself. The fact that I'm still going and pushing through the ups and downs is a big feat for me. Usually I stick to a diet for a week or so and then give up. This time I've stuck with it despite having taken a few days off here or there. So as of today I've lost 11.1 pounds and 18 inches. I still have a week before my doctors appointment to start Clomid and hope to lose a couple more pounds.
      I also have 10.5 weeks until we go home to MI for my BIL's wedding. I hope to lose a lot more pounds and inches before then. I've been looking at dresses for the rehearsal and wedding and am really hoping to lose enough weight to not feel like a whale in a dress. I want to feel comfortable and confidant and besides my wedding day, I don't think I've ever felt that way dressing up before.
      However, if I'm pregnant by then, then I won't care! I will be oh so happy! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I feel like we could be pregnant by then, or finding out around then. We shall see!
     

Fearfulness Over Next Pregnancy...

      So I'm weird and have a confession to make! When I'm bored I look up pregnancy announcements on youtube. And because of this addiction, I obsess over how I'm going to tell my hubby, and how we're going to share the news with our families! However, as we're getting closer to starting Clomid, I'm beginning to get fearful of our reactions and families reactions to a BFP. I know my husband will be happy and excited to find out we're pregnant again, but I also know that he will be worried and won't be able to really enjoy the pregnancy until we're at least past the second trimester mark. He's shared this with me before. Knowing this, I'm afraid it's going to affect my feelings towards a pregnancy. Not just that, but I know I am also going to be anxious the whole first trimester and will be worried to get too excited since the last two ended way too early. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
      When watching the youtube videos there are so many cute ones with grandma and grandpas to be screaming and crying and jumping up and down, and I want that. But I am also afraid our family will be scared to celebrate until we know we're in the clear. And I want to celebrate this pregnancy from day one! I don't want to be fearful and afraid of the worst possible outcome. I want to relish the fact that my baby is growing inside me. Will I be scared to really celebrate? How will my husband really react? Will our family act as excited and happy as the families in the videos?
      I also think that since everyone knows about our miscarriages, and everyone knows we're desperately trying for a baby, that everyone knows that a positive test and pregnancy are just around the corner. Maybe that will take away some of the surprise and excitement? I'm probably thinking too much into this. I know everyone in our family will be ecstatic as they've been waiting just as long as we have for us to have a baby. I just hope that this next pregnancy is everything we're expecting it to be; reactions from everyone, but more importantly full term and healthy!

1st Milestone Reached!

      Well, on my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight, I had mentioned wanting to be able to wear my wedding ring again! I can now check that off the list!! :) However, wearing my band with my engagement ring is still tight, so that will be my next goal. It doesn't help that I have short stubby fingers, so with the two rings together makes it really tight. I will be able to wear my set home for my BIL's wedding in October. However, when I told my hubby that was my goal, he said maybe I'll be able to, but I might be bloated by then, but could wear them on a chain around my neck. He gave me a big smile and wink! I hope we are pregnant by October!  I'm staying positive and have incredible faith that Clomid will work rather quickly, but realistically I also know it can take a few cycles. I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up!

14 Days!

      14 more days until my doctors appointment! I'm so impatient!! I don't know if I can handle these next two weeks! Ugh...

      

Gratefulness: What I've Grown To Appreciate About My TTC Journey

      I can’t even begin to explain the pain associated with loss and TTC; unless you've been through this you just don’t know. Sometimes the worst part about TTC is friends and families input, opinions, and feelings. I can’t tell you how many times friends or family have said “just relax, it’ll happen.” I know they’re not trying to be insensitive, and it’s probably true that that’s how’s it worked for them…but don’t you think we've tried that?! This process is not easy, and comments like that just seem to make it worse.
      The fact that after 20 months we still don't have a baby in our arms is honestly unbearable. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. However, going through this process has, in a sense, been a blessing in disguise. I've learned a lot about myself and my husband during this time; things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Despite the fact that I HATE TTC, I've grown to be grateful for the things I've gotten out of this journey [so far].

      I've learned so much about my husband and have grown to love him in a way I’d never experienced before. There is something so sweet and sexy about a man who cares about my period and doesn't mind talking about feminine issues. Yeah, that sounds weird, but it’s the truth. My husband doesn't find it gross when I talk about what kind of bleeding I’m having or how heavy it is. The fact that he knows when bleeding is expected and that he knows what makes me feel better or what my cravings are is so sweet. I don’t think he ever expected this, but given all of our complications with TTC and my complications with my menstrual cycle, this all has become normal to him. He doesn't mind going through all the steps to TTC, and that sex is now a chore instead of spontaneous and sexy like it used to be. 

      We've both also learned what we really want out of this. Sure, we want a happy, healthy baby, but we've learned more about what we want for our future and not just our immediate goal. For the longest time, I've been the one that's wanted the baby and big family. Initially, we started TTC because I couldn't wait anymore. He wanted a baby, but mostly because it was what I wanted. After having this extra time to contemplate a baby he's changed his mind a bit. It's no longer just me that wants a big family. He finally has said, on numerous occasions, how impatient he is for a baby and how badly he wants one, like yesterday.  And not only does he want our first baby, he is now thinking about babies two and three... We've been discussing a lot lately having a large family with 4+ kids and have been praying that financially we'll be able to afford as big of a family as God is willing to give us! I knew it was in his heart to be a daddy, but through this process his desires have changed and it makes me so happy.

      This process has brought my husband and I closer emotionally as well. We've always been best friends, partners, and lovers, but we've grown so much stronger. We are able to open up to each other like never before. I love that he's finally able to start expressing his emotions more and that he's able to read me better emotionally too. All around this process has transformed my husband into a real man; it has transformed our relationship and love into a heightened version of what it was before. For all of this, I am grateful.

      Financially, this whole TTC process can be draining and believe me we've noticed. All of the doctor visits, blood work and lab tests, OPKs and pregnancy tests, and medicine/vitamins add up. However, we've been able to start a baby savings account and slowly add to it since we have had so much time. Instead of just 9 months to plan for a baby, we've had 20 and counting. 

      The biggest pro to TTC for so long is the health aspect for my body. Sure, I should have really buckled down and started this weight loss journey before we initially started TTC, but I didn't, and am just now starting to change myself. I'm grateful that I have more time to work on my health and weight loss before having a belly, and a baby. Medically, there have been numerous health problems that I've encountered during this process and it's been scary. However, I'm so glad it took this process to really see how unhealthy I was. If we hadn't started TTC, I would never have had the blood work done to find out I was borderline diabetic and never would have started to change my health and lifestyle.

      I still wish we never would have had to travel down this path; I wish that our first pregnancy would have ended with a healthy baby instead of a miscarriage; I wish we would be planning a 1st birthday party for soon (our 1st due date was Aug 9, 2012)... Despite the pain and tears, I'm ultimately grateful for this journey. However, it's been long enough...time for a healthy pregnancy! Fingers Crossed!

Round 2...CD 10

      As you all know I started Progesterone. I took it for 14 days, then stopped for 14 days; and will repeat this cycle. During the 14 days off, I started my first period in FOREVER. I have bled on and off for more than a year, during this time there were days where I wondered if I was having a normal period. However, it never lasted and never got as heavy as my normal periods used to be, and there was no actual start or stop dates. But, progesterone helped as during my break I started a real cycle. 2 days of light spotting, then 5 days of a heavy period, then 1 day of spotting. I had cramps, cravings, and mood swings. I have never been so excited for a period in my life!!!! I just started back up on the next 14 days of progesterone. I also am starting today my OPKs to find out if this all has helped me start ovulating too.
      My dieting and exercising comes and goes. I have good days and then bad days. My problem is that I do really well for a few days and then just assume that it'll stick; that I'm all of a sudden a thin, healthy person that doesn't really need to try. I know it doesn't actually make sense, and I really wish it was that easy and fast. I think though that regardless of this half-hearted attempt at weight loss, it is working somewhat and I think that this eating better and moving more in general is aiding in returning to a normal cycle.

Readings

      I am in a TTC group on Facebook and a bunch of the women were talking about a conception reading they'd gotten. I ignored the posts at first because awhile back I got a psychic reading to find out when we'd get pregnant and found out we would have 3 boys and she gave me expected dates and everything. Well, the first date/baby has come and gone and obviously we have no baby. The psychic asked for names, dates of birth/ages, and any info on previous pregnancies or miscarriages. After giving all of the information, she said she "spoke" to our babies souls and they told her when they would be conceived and arrive and what sex they were. After the reading she gave me the information and that was that. I got excited about the prospective of having babies when she said and that I got a little closer to knowing the sex. However, I knew it wasn't all true. I believe in God, and I know He is in control. He is the one bestowing these beautiful blessings on us and I know in His time we'll physically receive them. But, impatient me wanted more answers, hence turning to the psychic.
      So this time, when the women were talking about tarot readings I was again skeptical. However, I feel like lately I've been losing hope in the whole situation. And to be honest, I knew getting a reading would give me some of that back. That I would be able to stress less and just enjoy this process I'm going through right now with weight loss. It'd be nice to know that this journey with getting healthy is going somewhere and that it will be all worth it because at the end I will be a mother. I know I know this. Like I said, I believe in God. In His time, I will be a mother. However, I am still super impatient and didn't think getting a reading would hurt anything. I paid the $2.50 and waited for my answers.
      This was my reading....
      
"...Your cards show conception (or getting your first positive pregnancy test) around Oct. 13 - Nov. 12. 

 

Your cards show if you are under a doctors' care, to trust that the healers in your life are there for a reason. There is potential for good health news if you are waiting on test results, for example.

 

Your reading shows a reminder to treat your body with care and compassion. Pay attention to what you are putting into your body and how you are surrounding yourself. Spending time with people you love and who love you will relax you and this will help, especially now.

 

I wish you good health and happiness!

Grace M."

 

      All this lady needed was my name and date of birth...none of the other information that the psychic needed. And I was super surprised that she touched on my weight loss journey a bit. How did she know?! If I am being honest, this reading gave me a lot of hope. I start clomid soon and have always felt that we'd get pregnant right away. If this reading is accurate, we will start Clomid in August and could conceive on the first or second cycle of it! I honestly thought that that is how it would happen. I hope the reading is right; that my thoughts were right. I still pray every single day that we will finally receive a beautiful baby soon. I still have all of my faith and trust in God. I have no doubts that we will be pregnant soon!

Stuggling...

      Well, I've still been struggling to get back into my fitness routine. I also had my weigh-in on Monday and I gained 3 inches back but lost .3 pounds. Woohoo...not! Yesterday I also hit my 1st month anniversary of my weight loss journey. Even with this past weigh-in's poor results, I've lost 16.5 inches and 8 pounds in my first month!! I know I am on the right track to making me a better woman, wife, and [future] mother. I am going to kick things into gear like you wouldn't believe starting...NOW! I also decided that I am going to reread The Emotional Diet book as it really helped kick start my journey initially.
      One of the things that has aided in my lack of gym time is my foot. I have been having really bad pain in my right heel...I did some research online and also talked to my friend who is a physical therapist (Thank God for his constant help) and have what is called Plantar Fasciitis. I had been doing a 5k almost everyday for awhile so walking/jogging on it often and being obese has caused this condition. I have been using a frozen water bottle, rolling it under my foot as a ice massage. That helps a lot. It also doesn't help that I have flat feet, so I'm going to invest in inserts for my shoes.
      Oh, and a little update on my sprained ankle...it really hasn't bothered me since I initially hurt it. The bruising is very minimal and pretty much gone. The swelling is gone for the most part, unless I've been on it for awhile then it starts to swell up, like after the gym. However, I have noticed that the last few nights I've woken up in pain because my foot was stretched weird in my sleep. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but when it wakes me up I do notice that my foot is stretched out, like overextended, so I just fix the position and relax and the pain goes away!
      Another thing that is also keeping me from the gym lately is this stupid nausea! It comes and goes everyday. I'm getting really sick of it. Ginger ale is my new best friend!
      Anyway, enough of the negativity. Things change now; I'm going to go back to just pushing through the pain. Wish me luck!

Misery & Updates

      I haven't felt this miserable in a long, long time. I started progesterone 17 days ago now, and ever since starting it I have been getting nauseous every single day! I have also been slowly tapering off of zoloft so I heard maybe this could be a withdrawal? Either way, my meds are what is doing this to me! I can't stand it! I'm sending my hubby out soon to get me some ginger ale...here's to hoping that helps my stomach! I have been eating saltines with a little bit of peanut butter on them and that has been helping!
      Anyway, I haven't updated in awhile...so here it goes! As of this past Monday I am down 19.5 inches and 7.7 pounds. My family came down to visit though this week and therefore I worked out way less, and ate way worse! I am pretty sure at my next weigh-in on Monday that I will have gained some weight and inches back. However, maybe not because of this nausea!? I finally went to the gym this morning. I did another 5k and the circuit. I could totally tell I was off and that I had slacked lately because I was slower and in more pain! I am hoping I get back into my routine soon!
      I have a new get-fit partner...my dad! He is extremely obese and needs to lose a lot of weight. My mom and sister filled me in this week on how worried they are about him, specifically about him dying too young due to obesity and related/complicated medical issues. I don't know what I would do without him! He is the greatest dad in the whole world! So, while he was down here on vacation, my husband and I talked to him about trying to lose weight. He is very stubborn and insists he is fine, however we know better. We made a deal with him...he knows that we are currently taking time off from TTC so that I can focus on losing weight and getting healthy, so I said that we won't start trying again until he starts to try to get healthier! I want him to be around for his grandkids. Both of my grandpas made it to my wedding, and I want him to be there when my kids get married in the future too. I told him he doesn't haven't to lose drastic weight, or even a certain number, he just has to consciously start to change his eating habits. Instead of having a whole box of cookies, just have a few; or not get a second helping at dinner. I also suggested he start to move more. He works all day in an office at a desk and then comes home and sits in front of the TV! Even just a short walk with the dog after work would be a start! He agreed to this as he desperately wants a grandbaby! I'm proud of him for agreeing and can't wait to see how he does with it!

We did family photos while they were here! L to R: dad, mom, sister, and us!

Does it look like I've lost weight?! 

Baby Fever

      I have baby fever like you wouldn't believe. I've always had baby fever, but since things are going so well with my dieting and exercise I feel super positive and can picture having a baby so much sooner! My next appointment is August 5th, and my goal is to lose enough weight to feel comfortable starting Clomid at that time! I already feel like I will for sure be there and this feeling is so exciting!
      I haven't felt this way about TTC in awhile. I've always wanted a baby [duh] but for awhile I had lost confidence, positivity, and all faith in the situation. I knew we'd have a baby sometime in the future, but I'd been having a hard time picturing it! And now, it finally feels like it's literally around the corner! Feels like we are finally on the right path when it comes to TTC! I feel like once August comes, and we start Clomid, that with my weight loss and the meds that we'll easily be able to get pregnant and it'll happen quickly!
      My only fear is that I might lose this weight loss momentum and if I do then I won't reach my goal by August. Or that if I do reach my goal, and we start Clomid then, that I will have gotten my hopes up thinking that we will get pregnant quickly! I hope it happens ASAP!

Sprained Ankle & Week 2 Results

      Friday afternoon I was outside with my daycare kiddo and we were watering plants. The grass was wet because we were obviously playing in the water as well. I was walking down a little hill in the yard and slipped on the water, twisting my ankle, and then sliding the rest of the way down the hill. I felt instant pain and immediate tears! Luckily the dad I work for is a physical therapist so he walked me through a few little tests on the phone to determine it wasn't broke but just sprained. Since then I have been keeping it elevated and iced and trying as much as possible to stay off it. The problem is that I have been so active lately that this sitting around is killing me. 

Left is a photo of my foot from Saturday & right is this morning The swelling has gone down but the bruise has changed a bit

Top is from Saturday & bottom is this morning...notice the changes in the bruise again!

      I was given the go-ahead to go to the gym as long as I avoided anything weight bearing on my ankle/foot. Yesterday, the hubby and I went and I was extremely emotional. I was missing my normal workout and pushing myself really hard. I burned less than half the calories I normally do! I did the bike which didn't hurt, but you can't burn a lot of calories doing that! I also did the circuit at the gym, but avoided doing the steps and leg press. And then I couldn't take it, I missed the treadmill, so I walked a pretty slow mile. I burned double the calories in the mile on the treadmill than I did in the 3.5 miles on the bike! That's ridiculous! Anyway, I really miss my burn at the gym! I am going again today and am going to push myself a little harder.

      Anyway, in other news, it's Monday which means I had my second weigh-in. I didn't lose a lot of weight this week, only 1.4 pounds which I'm a little disappointed in! However, I did lose 9.5 inches this week. Total, in two weeks, I've lost 6.9 pounds and 16.5 inches! I couldn't be more happy! I'd say I'm doing well and this calorie conscious diet will be continuing!

Progesterone

      New update! Apparently I was mistaken. I am hard of hearing...literally and medically considered partially deaf. Anyway, I heard the doctor say he was prescribing "pro..." and automatically assumed it was provera since that's what my regular doctor and I talked about. He asked if I knew what it was and I said yes sort of since I had done a little research, and that's when he goes on to tell me that it'll basically trick my body into a cycle and that it will show my body what it's supposed to do and therefore I'll eventually get a normal period. So, again, I assumed he was talking about provera because I knew provera starts a period while clomid starts ovulation. Then, as I was getting ready to leave, the nurse gave me a little calendar and explained to me how to track my bleeding once I start "provera". So then I realized, yup, I did hear the doctor right. So ever since then I've been thinking I'm starting provera today.

      Went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and had to pay $96 for it! Confused as to why it was so much I read through the pamphlet and sure enough it's actually progesterone. Thankfully my insurance will reimburse me for the money, but still that's a lot of money out of my pocket right now! Ugh! 

      Anyway, I'm on progesterone and not provera. I didn't really know what progesterone is so I did a little research. I guess provera is derived from progesterone. It is a progestin which means it has "compounds that have progesterone like properties, but are not progesterone and are synthetic and you can add to that, they don't have the full spectrum of all of progesterone's benefits and they are loaded with side effects." One article provided this: "Provera is not progesterone. Unfortunately, the standard practice in conventional American medicine has been to replace the natural hormone progesterone with an unnatural hormone-like drug called medroxyprogesterone, or Provera. The combination of Premarin + Provera is the most common form of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) prescribed in the U.S. today. While Provera does keep Premarin from causing endometrial cancer, it is not progesterone. As such, it lacks many of progesterone's other important benefits, and may cause a long list unpleasant and dangerous side effects, including increasing the risk of heart disease."
      So I guess I'm glad I'm taking progesterone and not provera. Praying it works for me!

{Update}

      Well, yesterday was my appointment and it went well.
      I had originally mentioned maybe going back on birth control for the summer, but the doctor thought Provera would be better. Even though we're not TTC at this moment, I still need to get on a cycle and have a regular and normal period. At this point, I told him that that was my concern. So I start Provera today to induce a period/cycle. This way I will be ready to start Clomid towards the end of the summer when we start TTC again! I'm excited and happy with our decision to put TTC on hold.
      Exercising and dieting are still going well. In my first week I lost 5.5 pounds and 7 inches. I am not feeling as excited about this process as much this week, but regardless, I'm sticking with my program. I will admit that I have fallen off the horse a few times, overeating for snacks, but I've gotten back up and still managed to stay around my calorie goal, especially once I figured in my calories burned. I am feeling better about my body and am noticing small changes. My belt, for example, is too big! I used to wear it on the first two notches to make it as big as it would go, and now it's still loose on the smallest notch! I feel proud! Every time I look at my arms I can see my muscles and they're beautiful! I obviously still have A LOT of work to do, but I'm feeling better and can see my hard work paying off.
      I'm still feeling jealous of other women and their pregnancy announcements or new babies, but I honestly don't think that will ever go away. Even though we've decided to stop TTC for the time being, and even though I'm happy with this decision, I still desperately want a baby. It has been a little over a year and a half since we started TTC, and I wish I had done things differently. I wish at that point I started a strict diet and exercise plan and stuck with it. I wish I hadn't been so lazy and was able to put my health first. Everything would be different right now. I may have lost the majority of the weight I need to lose by now. I may already be pregnant if I had done that. But, unfortunately, I didn't focus on weight loss and at this point there's no going back. I just have to move forward. I had started diets in that time and I had intended to stick with them, but mentally I wasn't in the right place to stay strong enough to make that my priority. This time, things are different. And for that, I am thankful!