Change of Heart

      We haven't been happy with our church for awhile. And then, we kind of gave up hope and because of our situation and the circumstances, we became confused about our relationships with God. However, we've been feeling this pull to get connected to Him again. So yesterday, we tried out a new church in our area...and we LOVED it! It was the first time in a long time where I actually felt something in church...the pastor spoke in a way that drew me in. I have always had a difficult time paying attention in church and tend to lose focus very quickly, but yesterday I listened and took in every. single. word. It was wonderful!
      We are going to put everything into making this a new family; someplace where we feel safe and loved; somewhere where we feel connected. We are attending a class they are having there on Wednesday evening this week, and an event that they're having next Sunday. We also plan to introduce ourselves to the pastor at the service on Sunday.
      I feel like I'm ready to ask for help. At this point, my husband and I are both confused about what to do with our situation. We almost feel that if we're not pregnant by November, then we've done everything medically that we can do for the time being. And maybe, the fact that everything medically has failed is because God is trying to tell us NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! But that just confuses us because we don't understand why it's not; why not now; why not us? I feel like maybe if we seek some guidance spiritually, then we'll be able to accept that. I'm hoping anyway that if we ask for help, then it will be easier to remain patient and come to terms with the fact that God is in charge and has a plan laid out for us!

November

      TTC will continue until November...if we're not pregnant by then we are going to put TTC on the back burner. PRAYING we are pregnant by then!!
      Stopping all medicine, tests, and doctor visits will be heartbreaking! However, if we can't get pregnant by November then we will take it as a hint that it's not in our plan for now. We will take some time off to work on ourselves; to focus on eliminating more debt and changing our lifestyle and diet. It is going to be depressing and very difficult, so we are praying with all of our might that we are pregnant in the next 3 cycles!

Pregnant Women EVERYWHERE

      Seems like everyone is pregnant! So many friends have just announced that they're expecting! I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel! Though, I'll try!
I feel jealous!
I feel sorry for myself!
I feel confused!
I feel angry!
I feel depressed!
I feel sad!
I feel ignored!
      And yet, with all of those negative emotions, I feel happy for them as well! It's definitely a mixture of contradicting emotions and I hate it!
      I think the thing that gets me the most is that I just can't wrap my head around why they are lucky enough to get pregnant and we're not! Are they doing something that I'm not? And I don't mean medically, I mean spiritually. Why did God chose now was the right time for them and it's still not the right time for us! WHY?
      I know I'll never get an answer. I'm trying so extremely hard to just keep faith in the situation and trust in the Lord. But as time goes by, it just keeps getting harder and harder.
      Anyway, I'm cd10, and yesterday was the last day of clomid for this cycle! I'll start OPKs soon. I stopped temping this cycle because it just wasn't working for me and was adding lots of extra stress on me. Praying like crazy that I ovulate!

Things Aren't Going Our Way

      Well, things aren't going our way! It's getting to be very frustrating and as a result, husband and I are extremely depressed.Ugh.
      My husband has been applying to a bunch of jobs over the last two months as he is not happy with his current employment; also something better financially would be ideal too. He applied for one a week before a friend and that friend found out yesterday that he already got in for an interview. On the other hand, my husband's applications (he applied for two different positions within this company) haven't even been opened or reviewed! He is trying so hard to find something better and hasn't had any luck. He feels drained and feels like nothing is going our way!
      Not only can he not find a new job, we also can't get pregnant. It's like everything we're hoping, wishing, and praying for is right before us, but we can't have it. We are doing everything in our power to find a new job and have a baby and yet we're getting no where. It honestly feels like God doesn't want us to be happy. I know I'm supposed to be thankful for the things I do have, and I am, but what about the other desires that are on our hearts? Why can't we have those? Why not us? What more can we do? What is He wanting for us? We can't figure it out!
      What is the purpose for all of this unhappiness? I know God has us on this path, right where He wants us, leading us to what He has planned for our lives; BUT...why and what is this plan?! You know, maybe all of these ideas and dreams we have for ourselves are not where God sees us or what He wants for our lives, and maybe that is okay. But what I can't figure out is why doesn't God want us to have a baby? Why doesn't He want my husband in a job that he is happy in? Why doesn't He want us in a better financial situation? What is the purpose of all of this waiting?
      I hate not knowing the answer to these questions. And I hate even more having to be patient. The problem is that we've been trying to be patient for 2 years now! How much longer do we have to wait?
      Oh, and to top it all off...we got rear ended yesterday! Thankfully, we are all okay...though there is quite a bit of damage to our car!

Round 2 Starts Tomorrow!

      I had an ultrasound today to check for cysts. It is mandatory between Clomid cycles and of course insurance doesn't cover it...$165 visit today! Anyway, the ultrasound technician was so sweet and kept repeating over and over that my ovaries looked "great". She said they looked healthy and that I should have no problems on this end. So I talked to the nurse and got my new dose of 100mg prescribed. I asked her about the progesterone and how it makes me have short 27 day cycles and my concern with the fact that if Clomid makes me ovulate late, then I might not have enough time for the egg to stick once fertilized before my next cycle would begin. She said she thinks I would have enough time, but that is a possibility. For now, she said I should continue the progesterone like I have been and if it becomes a problem once I finally ovulate they'll change my schedule for that.
      So everything looks great so far! I just have to keep up with my dieting and exercising in the meantime. That is difficult for me, but now that I'm back to working full-time, I remain busy which helps stick to a routine.

Confirmed.

      I had my annual visit on Monday and also did my day 21 progesterone test (even though I was technically at CD22). I told my doctor that the OPKs came back negative everyday since Clomid, and she said she was fairly certain then that the blood test would show the same thing. However, Tuesday I got a call from the nurse saying that the test showed I did ovulate. Which I then asked if that could be because I'm taking progesterone pills?! So she checked with my doctor and my doctor said "yes that is possible"...so I didn't O I suppose, which is what I suspected. I asked then how I'm supposed to know if I O and the nurse said just keep using the OPKs and they'll continues the day 21 tests. However, I think I'm going to talk with my doctor because I don't want to waste time and money going in for day 21 progesterone tests if they're always going to be positive because of the progesterone pills I'm taking. My doctor told me that she will put me on 100mg this cycle, so now I'm just waiting on my period to start which should be this weekend.
      I knew 50mg was going to be a waste of time! I'm remaining hopeful that Clomid will work for me. I'm praying that this next cycle on 100mg will at least make me O...if it does that, but I don't end up pregnant I will still be happy because I'll be one step closer...
      Praying it works like crazy in the next 2 cycles because November is approaching quickly and I really want to be pregnant by then so that I don't have to go see a specialist! Pray with me! :)

No O Yet!

      I'm on CD15 and still haven't ovulated. It's getting me worried because the last two cycles have only been 27 days. I'm really hoping I O soon, but it doesn't feel like I'm going to. I've usually been able to feel ovulation, but there are no signs that it might be coming. I guess I'm just going to stop worrying about it, and just plan on being on Clomid again next cycle. I was really hope this would work this cycle. If I do O soon I still have a chance, but we'll see.