Few updates...
BC- well it's not working so well! Today I should be starting my period, but for the last couple weeks I have been bleeding really bad. Before BC, I bled daily but it was light and I only wore a thin, regular pad for the whole day. Now, on BC, I've been going through 3 super pads daily. The bleeding is extremely heavy and full of clots! It's disgusting! I am waiting to see what happens during this week where I should be having a period (to monitor how the bleeding changes) and then I'm going to get in to see my doctor. This just isn't normal! And frankly, I'm really sick of it! Not to mention, that now that I'm on BC I have cramps like you wouldn't believe! My heating pad is now my best friend!
Gym- went today for the first time in forever! I did a good cardio workout for my first time back! This week my husband and I are getting up early and going before work together! We like our sleep, but we decided to be dedicated to doing it at least this week to see if we have more energy throughout the day!
Diet- probably not going to do paleo. It's so restrictive! However, I am eating as much whole foods as possible! I am also limiting my grains and dairy to one serving a day; and cutting my sugar intake drastically! We went to Costco this weekend and spent way too much money on healthy foods, but I suppose that's a good thing! :) I now have no excuses as far as snacks go- lots of good options; and we have some healthy meals planned for the next two weeks!
Grandpa- he's home! That is good news! His pneumonia is gone so they let him go home on Friday! However, the doctors, as well as my family, don't think he has much longer with us here! My dad thinks maybe only a few more months! I wish I could get home soon to see him before he does pass, but I don't think that's a possibility as I'm now back to work again 5 days a week!
My Lord- working wonders in me! I have stuck with my daily devotions and Bible reading so far. In all honesty, I've never made it even a week before I gave up, so I'm proud of myself! It seems that almost every Sunday I leave church feeling like I have a purpose! I know that God put me on this TTC journey to grow in Him and share His word with others who are struggling with a similar situation. I have this huge pull on my heart to use this journey to help others and bring them to Jesus. However, I still feel like I'm not a good witness yet. I feel like I don't know how to talk to others about the Lord since I still don't know everything that I can about Him. I suppose there is so much to learn , constantly, that I probably never will know everything. Anyway, I am praying really hard for Him to speak through me and guide me in this whole process! We shall see where this goes...
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014
So on top of paying off ALL credit card debt this year, we have a few other resolutions we are working on. We are going to read through the Bible this year, as well as do a 365 daily devotional book. And the most important thing we are going to do is lose weight.
Yes, I know! Isn't that everybody's new years resolution?! Its been mine for probably the last few years! And I NEVER stay with it! Ever. Heck, you all know if you were reading my blog this past summer! I did really well working out and eating healthily for a few months and then one thing led to another and I was back to my old lifestyle. What is going to make this time different? I don't know.
Husband and I are starting a Paleo diet- to get processed and refined foods out of our diets! Basically, we just want to eat more whole foods! We also are leaving Planet Fitness to join the gym literally down the road from us. We liked PF because it was bigger and was cheaper, however it is a good 25 minute drive from our house and with monthly fees and weekly gas spent traveling there 4+ times a week, it would be way cheaper to join the gym we can walk to! It will fit better into my schedule as making time to drive out to PF, workout, drive home, then get ready wasn't happening before work. Now however, I won't have the added 50+ minutes of drive time every morning and can easily get a workout in before I head to work!
I want to lose 50 pounds by May or June this summer. If I do that, I will go off BC and TTC will be back on! (Speaking of BC--I'm still bleeding everyday, and it's getting worse! UGH) My ultimate goal for 2014 is to get under 200 pounds! Which is doable if I lose on average 6 pounds a month. :)
So this evening, my husband and I were taking what will be "before" photos, taking our measurements, and stepping on that dreaded scale. I haven't weighed myself in quiet awhile as I know the number just keeps rising. Every time I've attempted to lose weight I've just told my husband how much weight I need to lose or have lost. "Woohoo! I lost 3 pounds this week!" "Only 50 more pounds til I reach my first goal." That sort of thing. But this time...hubby said I should tell him. We literally stood around the scale for a good 20+ minutes arguing over whether or not he should be allowed to see how much I weigh. Finally, I gave in as I really do want his full support; and after he promised it wouldn't make him see me any differently; he promised over and over that he loves me regardless of that scale and I know that to be true. So I stepped on the scale and for the first time since we've known each other he was able to see how much I weigh. Total. In pounds. MOST EMBARRASSING AND HORRIFYING MOMENT OF MY LIFE! I cried afterwards. He comforted me. All is now okay!
And, now that he knows my weight, I don't feel as ashamed of it. I mean it's horrible...I have a lot of work ahead of me! But now that he knows and I still have his undying love and support, it finally seems like just a number! And because of this...I am taking a huge leap in accountability and sharing my dreaded number with you all.
272.7
Ah...there! Still just a number! An unhealthy, large number, but just a number nonetheless.
Wish me luck!
Yes, I know! Isn't that everybody's new years resolution?! Its been mine for probably the last few years! And I NEVER stay with it! Ever. Heck, you all know if you were reading my blog this past summer! I did really well working out and eating healthily for a few months and then one thing led to another and I was back to my old lifestyle. What is going to make this time different? I don't know.
Husband and I are starting a Paleo diet- to get processed and refined foods out of our diets! Basically, we just want to eat more whole foods! We also are leaving Planet Fitness to join the gym literally down the road from us. We liked PF because it was bigger and was cheaper, however it is a good 25 minute drive from our house and with monthly fees and weekly gas spent traveling there 4+ times a week, it would be way cheaper to join the gym we can walk to! It will fit better into my schedule as making time to drive out to PF, workout, drive home, then get ready wasn't happening before work. Now however, I won't have the added 50+ minutes of drive time every morning and can easily get a workout in before I head to work!
I want to lose 50 pounds by May or June this summer. If I do that, I will go off BC and TTC will be back on! (Speaking of BC--I'm still bleeding everyday, and it's getting worse! UGH) My ultimate goal for 2014 is to get under 200 pounds! Which is doable if I lose on average 6 pounds a month. :)
So this evening, my husband and I were taking what will be "before" photos, taking our measurements, and stepping on that dreaded scale. I haven't weighed myself in quiet awhile as I know the number just keeps rising. Every time I've attempted to lose weight I've just told my husband how much weight I need to lose or have lost. "Woohoo! I lost 3 pounds this week!" "Only 50 more pounds til I reach my first goal." That sort of thing. But this time...hubby said I should tell him. We literally stood around the scale for a good 20+ minutes arguing over whether or not he should be allowed to see how much I weigh. Finally, I gave in as I really do want his full support; and after he promised it wouldn't make him see me any differently; he promised over and over that he loves me regardless of that scale and I know that to be true. So I stepped on the scale and for the first time since we've known each other he was able to see how much I weigh. Total. In pounds. MOST EMBARRASSING AND HORRIFYING MOMENT OF MY LIFE! I cried afterwards. He comforted me. All is now okay!
And, now that he knows my weight, I don't feel as ashamed of it. I mean it's horrible...I have a lot of work ahead of me! But now that he knows and I still have his undying love and support, it finally seems like just a number! And because of this...I am taking a huge leap in accountability and sharing my dreaded number with you all.
272.7
Ah...there! Still just a number! An unhealthy, large number, but just a number nonetheless.
Wish me luck!
Friday, December 27, 2013
My Grandpa
I do not have a very festive spirit today. I took down all my Christmas stuff and put them all away! My house is back to normal. Usually I leave my Christmas decor up until a few days after New Years, as long as I can, but I wanted them down now!
So, my grandpa is in the hospital! He has pneumonia and another infection. When I was in high school, he had to have a lung transplant. After that he had multiple lung infections and has almost died a few times. Thankfully, each time he's pulled through. Last year he was on a waiting list for another lung transplant but for a whatever reason it never happened. His breathing keeps getting worse and worse and he's become very immobile, as walking even a few steps is too much for him to handle before he'd lose his breath and have to stop. Anyway, he went to the local hospital in Grand Rapids, MI yesterday but after talking with his specialist in Ann Arbor, they decided to move him to The University of Michigan hospital.
When my dad called me last night to tell me grandpa was in the hospital, he suggested we start thinking about how we'll get home for a funeral. He also said to have my husband check into how much time he gets off for a loved ones passing. This made me really depressed even though we really don't know too much right now. My husband is telling me not to worry until we know more but I am feeling really guilty. My grandpa so badly wanted us to make him a great grandpa. He was so excited for future grand babies. Every time we'd see him he'd ask what was going on and how the whole TTC situation was coming along. He said he was holding on so that he could be around to meet our baby. Since I am on BC now and the whole baby making process is on hold for another 9-10 months, it feels hopeless to say he'll be around when we finally do get pregnant and have a baby.
Also, a friend announced she's having a boy the other day, and another friend announced her pregnancy to me yesterday too. I know deep down I am happy for them, but I can't help but feel really bitter and jealous today! I think I need to go spend some time in my Bible and in prayer in hopes that I will be able to let these emotions go.
So, my grandpa is in the hospital! He has pneumonia and another infection. When I was in high school, he had to have a lung transplant. After that he had multiple lung infections and has almost died a few times. Thankfully, each time he's pulled through. Last year he was on a waiting list for another lung transplant but for a whatever reason it never happened. His breathing keeps getting worse and worse and he's become very immobile, as walking even a few steps is too much for him to handle before he'd lose his breath and have to stop. Anyway, he went to the local hospital in Grand Rapids, MI yesterday but after talking with his specialist in Ann Arbor, they decided to move him to The University of Michigan hospital.
Also, a friend announced she's having a boy the other day, and another friend announced her pregnancy to me yesterday too. I know deep down I am happy for them, but I can't help but feel really bitter and jealous today! I think I need to go spend some time in my Bible and in prayer in hopes that I will be able to let these emotions go.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Have a Merry Christmas
It's been a little while since I've updated. I am taking my birth control, but I'm still bleeding daily. Maybe it'll take a few cycles to fix things...
My parents were here last week to celebrate an early Christmas. We had a wonderful time! However, we're still sad that we can't make it home this year for the actual day!
Our debt plan is still going really well! However, we have slipped and have ate out a bit. I think it's impossible to give up eating out cold turkey like we thought! I think only another month and our next credit card will be paid off! Things are moving along faster than we anticipated! Being obedient is an amazing thing! :)
Anyway, I pray you all have a very Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Birth Control
Just picked up my prescription for birth control, Ortho Cyclen. This should regulate me and stop the daily bleeding which I'm looking forward to! However, I'm sad about starting it too. Logically I know we cannot get pregnant right now on our own, but there was always a little glimmer of hope. I hoped it'd just magically happen. After all, we weren't preventing it, so why couldn't it?! I know, I know...cause of the no ovulation thing and the stupid bleeding issue (like I said, logically, I know we can't get pregnant). Everyone kept commenting, saying now that we aren't trying and stressing over it that it'll just happen. I guess I hoped they were right!
Now though we are technically preventing it and that bothers me! I'm hoping I can focus on losing weight/getting healthy and then can get off of it sooner rather than later!
I will also admit that I have this daydream in the back of my head about getting pregnant right after I stop taking it again! When we first decided to start TTC it was October 2011 (that was my last full cycle on BC), we got pregnant right away! We found out the beginning of December that we were pregnant and then miscarried later that month! So maybe, just maybe, that will also happen this time around. Wouldn't that be wonderful!?! A girl can dream anyway...
Wish me luck on BC! Pray for me, that this helps regulate me and stops the daily bleeding!
Now though we are technically preventing it and that bothers me! I'm hoping I can focus on losing weight/getting healthy and then can get off of it sooner rather than later!
I will also admit that I have this daydream in the back of my head about getting pregnant right after I stop taking it again! When we first decided to start TTC it was October 2011 (that was my last full cycle on BC), we got pregnant right away! We found out the beginning of December that we were pregnant and then miscarried later that month! So maybe, just maybe, that will also happen this time around. Wouldn't that be wonderful!?! A girl can dream anyway...
Wish me luck on BC! Pray for me, that this helps regulate me and stops the daily bleeding!
Monday, December 2, 2013
Uh...
I am still bleeding every day! I know I'm sure you all want to stay up to date on this right?! Haha...
Well, I'm just writing because it is seriously frustrating me. 27 straight days of bleeding. I just went to Costco and bought a major package of pads since it looks like I'll be needing them daily verses just a few days a month like normal women.
Seriously, there is ZERO chance of getting pregnant due to this. Not only does it mean I'm not on a cycle necessary to ovulate and become pregnant, but it also leaves little room for intimacy with my husband. In these last 27 days we've had sex twice. TWO. TIMES. Ugh...it makes things gross and definitely unromantic. There is nothing special or sweet about our, uh, intimacy. I really can't complain and write all the frustrations here because my MIL reads this (HI!), but it is super annoying as I'm sure you can imagine!
Well, I'm just writing because it is seriously frustrating me. 27 straight days of bleeding. I just went to Costco and bought a major package of pads since it looks like I'll be needing them daily verses just a few days a month like normal women.
Seriously, there is ZERO chance of getting pregnant due to this. Not only does it mean I'm not on a cycle necessary to ovulate and become pregnant, but it also leaves little room for intimacy with my husband. In these last 27 days we've had sex twice. TWO. TIMES. Ugh...it makes things gross and definitely unromantic. There is nothing special or sweet about our, uh, intimacy. I really can't complain and write all the frustrations here because my MIL reads this (HI!), but it is super annoying as I'm sure you can imagine!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
My Boastful, Sinful Nature
Today, through church, I was called out on my boastful, sinful nature. Let me tell you, I feel like I've been knocked off this high horse I thought I deserved to be on...huge sense of humility right here!
I think I've briefly touched on this before, but through a guest speaker at church this morning, I felt this tug at my heart. Have you ever heard the story of the pharisee and the tax collector? Take a look at Luke 18: 9-14. Basically, the pharisee went in praying about all he does; about how great he is; about how much better is he than others, including the tax collector; about his sinLESS nature. The tax collector on the other hand went in admitting his sinful ways, calling himself plainly and simply a sinner and asking wholeheartedly for God's mercy. Even when you compare their body language and attitude: the pharisee went right up front, away from everyone else (in his eyes, away from all the sinners); while the tax collector stayed back, head bowed, and beating on his chest.
Basically, what was taught today, was that the pharisee took the Behavioral Righteousness Approach; this includes a religious bubble (physically separating himself from others, acting out his words which also separated him from the sinners); beauty pageant (doing things to make himself look better than others such as the fasting); and being high and mighty. When we are more concerned with gaining acceptance from others by the behavioral righteousness approach, we are saying that we are better than God and that we know better. How many of you have done things at church or in the community that makes us look better? Like doing these acts, above and beyond, will make us more likely to get into Heaven. Or have thought, I'm a good person compared to so-and-so and therefore deserve this over them?
The tax collector took the Credited Righteousness Approach, which is what we all should do! He mourned his sin and turned to God's mercy. He kept faith in God's provision, knowing that it is God, and God alone, who can set him free. John Piper said, "We are not justified by the righteousness that Christ works in us, but by the righteousness Christ is for us." We can do all of these acts and services and gain good recognition in our church and community, but it is not by these works we do that we gain acceptance. God gave us His only son, Jesus, as an example on how to live. He let His son die to forgive us of our sins. "Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection so we can experience the ultimate approval", Tim Keller. We are all sinners; every one's sin is different, but there isn't a scale as to who's sin is greater or less; in God's eyes sin is sin. (For example, I know some people who believe that a gay man sins more than himself who only watches porn. But to God, both are equally sin!)
Anyway, I don't even know if I am making any sense to you, maybe you had to be in our church service this morning to get anything from this message. But, I wanted to share this story from Luke with you all because I am guilty of being exactly like the pharisee, but I want to strive to be more like the tax collector. I realized through this message today that I definitely took the first approach, especially during our TTC journey. I constantly prayed and compared myself to other women, and parents, telling God that I am a better woman than them, and therefore I deserve a baby more. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but she is currently pregnant with her 4th child and on her 3rd baby daddy, all of which shes never been married to. I prayed over and over again about how unfair God was being by allowing her all these babies, but allowing only miscarriages to me and my HUSBAND! Or anytime I would hear a story in the news about a mother/father abusing their children I would cry and question "Why are they allowed to be parents, and we're not?!" I'll be honest, it still doesn't make any sense. But what I've realized these last few months on this new relationship with the Lord, and definitely through today's service and bible story, is that I AM A SINNER; MY HUSBAND IS A SINNER! The sin of the unwed mother or abusive parents, while it is extreme to me, to God it is comparable to all of my sins. I am not a perfect person, I sin daily. All this time, I thought I was better than others and therefore deserved a baby more. But in reality, I am a sinner just like everyone else. I feel completely humbled by this lesson this week and will continue to strive to be more like the tax collector, as no acts or works can earn my acceptance with the Lord. He already accepts and loves me; I need to rely on His mercy and love to set me free!
I think I've briefly touched on this before, but through a guest speaker at church this morning, I felt this tug at my heart. Have you ever heard the story of the pharisee and the tax collector? Take a look at Luke 18: 9-14. Basically, the pharisee went in praying about all he does; about how great he is; about how much better is he than others, including the tax collector; about his sinLESS nature. The tax collector on the other hand went in admitting his sinful ways, calling himself plainly and simply a sinner and asking wholeheartedly for God's mercy. Even when you compare their body language and attitude: the pharisee went right up front, away from everyone else (in his eyes, away from all the sinners); while the tax collector stayed back, head bowed, and beating on his chest.
Basically, what was taught today, was that the pharisee took the Behavioral Righteousness Approach; this includes a religious bubble (physically separating himself from others, acting out his words which also separated him from the sinners); beauty pageant (doing things to make himself look better than others such as the fasting); and being high and mighty. When we are more concerned with gaining acceptance from others by the behavioral righteousness approach, we are saying that we are better than God and that we know better. How many of you have done things at church or in the community that makes us look better? Like doing these acts, above and beyond, will make us more likely to get into Heaven. Or have thought, I'm a good person compared to so-and-so and therefore deserve this over them?
The tax collector took the Credited Righteousness Approach, which is what we all should do! He mourned his sin and turned to God's mercy. He kept faith in God's provision, knowing that it is God, and God alone, who can set him free. John Piper said, "We are not justified by the righteousness that Christ works in us, but by the righteousness Christ is for us." We can do all of these acts and services and gain good recognition in our church and community, but it is not by these works we do that we gain acceptance. God gave us His only son, Jesus, as an example on how to live. He let His son die to forgive us of our sins. "Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection so we can experience the ultimate approval", Tim Keller. We are all sinners; every one's sin is different, but there isn't a scale as to who's sin is greater or less; in God's eyes sin is sin. (For example, I know some people who believe that a gay man sins more than himself who only watches porn. But to God, both are equally sin!)
Anyway, I don't even know if I am making any sense to you, maybe you had to be in our church service this morning to get anything from this message. But, I wanted to share this story from Luke with you all because I am guilty of being exactly like the pharisee, but I want to strive to be more like the tax collector. I realized through this message today that I definitely took the first approach, especially during our TTC journey. I constantly prayed and compared myself to other women, and parents, telling God that I am a better woman than them, and therefore I deserve a baby more. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but she is currently pregnant with her 4th child and on her 3rd baby daddy, all of which shes never been married to. I prayed over and over again about how unfair God was being by allowing her all these babies, but allowing only miscarriages to me and my HUSBAND! Or anytime I would hear a story in the news about a mother/father abusing their children I would cry and question "Why are they allowed to be parents, and we're not?!" I'll be honest, it still doesn't make any sense. But what I've realized these last few months on this new relationship with the Lord, and definitely through today's service and bible story, is that I AM A SINNER; MY HUSBAND IS A SINNER! The sin of the unwed mother or abusive parents, while it is extreme to me, to God it is comparable to all of my sins. I am not a perfect person, I sin daily. All this time, I thought I was better than others and therefore deserved a baby more. But in reality, I am a sinner just like everyone else. I feel completely humbled by this lesson this week and will continue to strive to be more like the tax collector, as no acts or works can earn my acceptance with the Lord. He already accepts and loves me; I need to rely on His mercy and love to set me free!
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