New Insight

      So I was just watching 700 Club on TV…I’ve never watched this before. In fact, I remember when I was younger and it would come on in the mornings I’d get so frustrated and instantly turn the channel. Well, it came on after Boy Meets World on ABCFamily a bit ago, and I decided to stick it out to see what it was about. The first story was of a husband and wife who gave birth to twin girls who had fluid on their brains and ended up dying 11 days later. Yeah, sounds heartbreaking right!? Well, I’m sharing this with you because I got so much out of their story.

      As you can imagine they really struggled with God after this happened and couldn’t understand “why us”; “why them”; “where were You”? All I kept thinking about was how that was my husband and I, and has been him and I ever since our miscarriages. We still can’t grasp why this happened to us and why we’re having such difficulty conceiving now. Each time we’ve had the miscarriage, or gotten a BFN since then we curl up in a ball and become depressed, thinking all of these horrible negative thoughts towards God. The other thing was that by doing this, we became scared to share this with others. I’ve come a long way, and don’t mind being upfront and honest, but my husband still has a difficult time with it. His concern (and sometimes mine) is that if people know we’re losing babies and having difficulty TTC what will they think of us? Also, if we tell others that we are pregnant, and then have another miscarriage, not only are we hurt but our friends and family would be hurt too. Why should we put that pain on them as well? And sharing all this hurt with people makes us vulnerable and honestly almost appear broken.

      What I’ve taken away from that couples struggles was this…it’s okay to be transparent; it’s okay to be real and express your true feelings and emotions; it’s okay to be vulnerable…because will all of this comes humility. Becoming depressed and sad is sometimes hard to avoid, however you have a choice with what you’re going to do with it. Crawling into a ball, climbing into bed, and removing yourself from the rest of the world allows the devil and negativity into your heart. Once that happens, you will continue to turn more and more away from God. Obviously that’s not what we want.

      Also, keeping our emotions in and developing a fear of man and trying to put on a façade to hide yourself from others will only make you more abandoned and more afraid to deal with that helplessness. Opening up, expressing yourself, becoming transparent, and sharing your weaknesses, pain, and fears before the Lord will you give a stronger identity. God knows you inside and out, even when we don’t express to him our pain and fears, He knows them, so why not be honest? Trusting and leaning on God’s word even through rough times makes God’s presence upon our hearts genuine. It’s so easy to give up in difficult times. 

      I discussed before my fear about sharing the news of a new pregnancy right away; this fear was on my mind while watching this program. I’m going to be transparent. I’m going to express myself through this process. I’m not going to turn inward in fear and pain. I am going to remain hopeful and trusting of God. Even if a new pregnancy ends in another miscarriage, I will survive and make it through that pain with God, family, and friends just as I have before.

UPDATE: Fingers Crossed

      Well they got me in today! Thank goodness!! We went over the schedule for clomid and the different steps to taking it. I think it went well. I will officially start it on Friday, CD5.

      Last night when I was so worried about not being able to start it this month I felt like I'd lost all hope and faith. But today, I feel wonderful. As I was leaving my house to go to my appointment I saw something by the curb next door...a crib! I stopped and took a look at it and it was beautiful and in really good shape. It had all of the pieces except for the mattress. I was talking to my hubby on the phone so I asked if I should stop and grab it and he said yes. I instantly thought that it must be some sort of sign!! Well, when I got home I got it all unloaded from the car and googled the model number...and we can't use it! It had been recalled due to the brackets and it's also is from 1998 and it's suggested not to buy/use a crib more than 10 years old. I'm kind of disappointed because I sort of love it, but oh well, it's not like we need it just yet anyway. So to our curb it's going! 

      However...I got the mail after my appointment, and my freebies came in! I got a carseat cover for free and a nursing cover for free! I love them! 

      I'm feeling very positive and excited! 

Fingers Crossed

      So last cycle I spotted for two days, and then started a period. I assumed this cycle would be the same. However, I started spotting late yesterday morning and as the day progressed it turned into a full period. What that means is that by the time my appointment rolls around on Monday I'll be at CD7 which means that I would be too late to start Clomid. Clomid usually has to be taken CD5-9. So basically I'd have to wait until my next cycle, or September to officially start Clomid. I was so upset last night when I realized this that I cried myself to sleep.
      I called my doctors office this morning right at 8 and talked to the nurse. I am currently waiting to hear back from them as she was going to ask my Doctor about my situation. I'm hoping that either they can just prescribe me Clomid early to start at CD5, and then I could still go to my appointment on Monday like planned, or that I could just get in earlier sometime this week!
      I will keep you all updated! Praying that this all works out for the best as I would hate to have to wait a whole extra cycle! I want to get this done!

Two Month Update

      Today marks two months of trying to lose weight. I will admit I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not going to blame it on excuses (though I do have some) because I know I didn't push myself 100%. To be honest, I am disappointed, but at the same time I'm proud of myself. The fact that I'm still going and pushing through the ups and downs is a big feat for me. Usually I stick to a diet for a week or so and then give up. This time I've stuck with it despite having taken a few days off here or there. So as of today I've lost 11.1 pounds and 18 inches. I still have a week before my doctors appointment to start Clomid and hope to lose a couple more pounds.
      I also have 10.5 weeks until we go home to MI for my BIL's wedding. I hope to lose a lot more pounds and inches before then. I've been looking at dresses for the rehearsal and wedding and am really hoping to lose enough weight to not feel like a whale in a dress. I want to feel comfortable and confidant and besides my wedding day, I don't think I've ever felt that way dressing up before.
      However, if I'm pregnant by then, then I won't care! I will be oh so happy! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I feel like we could be pregnant by then, or finding out around then. We shall see!
     

Fearfulness Over Next Pregnancy...

      So I'm weird and have a confession to make! When I'm bored I look up pregnancy announcements on youtube. And because of this addiction, I obsess over how I'm going to tell my hubby, and how we're going to share the news with our families! However, as we're getting closer to starting Clomid, I'm beginning to get fearful of our reactions and families reactions to a BFP. I know my husband will be happy and excited to find out we're pregnant again, but I also know that he will be worried and won't be able to really enjoy the pregnancy until we're at least past the second trimester mark. He's shared this with me before. Knowing this, I'm afraid it's going to affect my feelings towards a pregnancy. Not just that, but I know I am also going to be anxious the whole first trimester and will be worried to get too excited since the last two ended way too early. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
      When watching the youtube videos there are so many cute ones with grandma and grandpas to be screaming and crying and jumping up and down, and I want that. But I am also afraid our family will be scared to celebrate until we know we're in the clear. And I want to celebrate this pregnancy from day one! I don't want to be fearful and afraid of the worst possible outcome. I want to relish the fact that my baby is growing inside me. Will I be scared to really celebrate? How will my husband really react? Will our family act as excited and happy as the families in the videos?
      I also think that since everyone knows about our miscarriages, and everyone knows we're desperately trying for a baby, that everyone knows that a positive test and pregnancy are just around the corner. Maybe that will take away some of the surprise and excitement? I'm probably thinking too much into this. I know everyone in our family will be ecstatic as they've been waiting just as long as we have for us to have a baby. I just hope that this next pregnancy is everything we're expecting it to be; reactions from everyone, but more importantly full term and healthy!

1st Milestone Reached!

      Well, on my list of reasons for wanting to lose weight, I had mentioned wanting to be able to wear my wedding ring again! I can now check that off the list!! :) However, wearing my band with my engagement ring is still tight, so that will be my next goal. It doesn't help that I have short stubby fingers, so with the two rings together makes it really tight. I will be able to wear my set home for my BIL's wedding in October. However, when I told my hubby that was my goal, he said maybe I'll be able to, but I might be bloated by then, but could wear them on a chain around my neck. He gave me a big smile and wink! I hope we are pregnant by October!  I'm staying positive and have incredible faith that Clomid will work rather quickly, but realistically I also know it can take a few cycles. I'm trying my hardest not to get my hopes up!

14 Days!

      14 more days until my doctors appointment! I'm so impatient!! I don't know if I can handle these next two weeks! Ugh...