Gratefulness: What I've Grown To Appreciate About My TTC Journey

      I can’t even begin to explain the pain associated with loss and TTC; unless you've been through this you just don’t know. Sometimes the worst part about TTC is friends and families input, opinions, and feelings. I can’t tell you how many times friends or family have said “just relax, it’ll happen.” I know they’re not trying to be insensitive, and it’s probably true that that’s how’s it worked for them…but don’t you think we've tried that?! This process is not easy, and comments like that just seem to make it worse.
      The fact that after 20 months we still don't have a baby in our arms is honestly unbearable. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. However, going through this process has, in a sense, been a blessing in disguise. I've learned a lot about myself and my husband during this time; things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Despite the fact that I HATE TTC, I've grown to be grateful for the things I've gotten out of this journey [so far].

      I've learned so much about my husband and have grown to love him in a way I’d never experienced before. There is something so sweet and sexy about a man who cares about my period and doesn't mind talking about feminine issues. Yeah, that sounds weird, but it’s the truth. My husband doesn't find it gross when I talk about what kind of bleeding I’m having or how heavy it is. The fact that he knows when bleeding is expected and that he knows what makes me feel better or what my cravings are is so sweet. I don’t think he ever expected this, but given all of our complications with TTC and my complications with my menstrual cycle, this all has become normal to him. He doesn't mind going through all the steps to TTC, and that sex is now a chore instead of spontaneous and sexy like it used to be. 

      We've both also learned what we really want out of this. Sure, we want a happy, healthy baby, but we've learned more about what we want for our future and not just our immediate goal. For the longest time, I've been the one that's wanted the baby and big family. Initially, we started TTC because I couldn't wait anymore. He wanted a baby, but mostly because it was what I wanted. After having this extra time to contemplate a baby he's changed his mind a bit. It's no longer just me that wants a big family. He finally has said, on numerous occasions, how impatient he is for a baby and how badly he wants one, like yesterday.  And not only does he want our first baby, he is now thinking about babies two and three... We've been discussing a lot lately having a large family with 4+ kids and have been praying that financially we'll be able to afford as big of a family as God is willing to give us! I knew it was in his heart to be a daddy, but through this process his desires have changed and it makes me so happy.

      This process has brought my husband and I closer emotionally as well. We've always been best friends, partners, and lovers, but we've grown so much stronger. We are able to open up to each other like never before. I love that he's finally able to start expressing his emotions more and that he's able to read me better emotionally too. All around this process has transformed my husband into a real man; it has transformed our relationship and love into a heightened version of what it was before. For all of this, I am grateful.

      Financially, this whole TTC process can be draining and believe me we've noticed. All of the doctor visits, blood work and lab tests, OPKs and pregnancy tests, and medicine/vitamins add up. However, we've been able to start a baby savings account and slowly add to it since we have had so much time. Instead of just 9 months to plan for a baby, we've had 20 and counting. 

      The biggest pro to TTC for so long is the health aspect for my body. Sure, I should have really buckled down and started this weight loss journey before we initially started TTC, but I didn't, and am just now starting to change myself. I'm grateful that I have more time to work on my health and weight loss before having a belly, and a baby. Medically, there have been numerous health problems that I've encountered during this process and it's been scary. However, I'm so glad it took this process to really see how unhealthy I was. If we hadn't started TTC, I would never have had the blood work done to find out I was borderline diabetic and never would have started to change my health and lifestyle.

      I still wish we never would have had to travel down this path; I wish that our first pregnancy would have ended with a healthy baby instead of a miscarriage; I wish we would be planning a 1st birthday party for soon (our 1st due date was Aug 9, 2012)... Despite the pain and tears, I'm ultimately grateful for this journey. However, it's been long enough...time for a healthy pregnancy! Fingers Crossed!