Changing....

      I haven't posted in forever! We are still on a break from TTC...but I am now off of birth control!
      Let me tell you about that!
      I had always missed days of BC; I'd skip a day here or there, or sometimes multiple days in a row...and each time I'd end up spotting until I took another pill. This past month, I'd missed numerous and consecutive days of pills, but I didn't spot...instead I started a period a week early. I was sure that meant that I'd be bleeding for a long time, but decided to wait it out and see what would happen. It stopped after 5 days and was a completely normal period! Again, I decided to see what would happen if I continued not taking BC. Today is CD 17, and I haven't had any spotting or bleeding since my period ended!
      I talked to my husband and we decided that I would just stop BC and see if this cycle I have another normal period. I think that I'm on the right track to getting my body and system back to the way it's supposed to be working. The reason why I think this is finally happening is because for almost the past month and a half, I've been doing the 21 Day Fix by Beachbody, and in my first round I lost 9.7 pounds and 15.5 inches (my second round ends on Monday). I have been working out [almost] daily, and have been making much better eating choices!
      I still don't think I'm ovulating...and just because I'm off BC doesn't mean we are technically trying to get pregnant. If it happens, cool; we'd be ecstatic...but if it doesn't then that's okay for now too. It's in God's hands.
      I honestly think, that if I continue this 21 Day Fix program, eating healthily and working out daily, and continuing to lose weight and inches, then I will start ovulating again soon!

*I am a Beachbody coach now because I believe in this program and want to help others...if you are trying to lose weight and change your lifestyle and health, please let me know! I'd love to help you out! Here is my website. Or, my email is kmbartlett23@yahoo.com.

Same Ole, Same Ole...

      I am just no good at blogging lately. I apologize. I guess it's because there's just not much to share!
      Weight loss is still a struggle and will continue to be even when I reach my goal weight years and years from now!
      Dixon is doing well. I am so happy we got him!

      We finally got a second vehicle yesterday. A 2000 Dodge Dakota SLT pickup truck for the husband; he loves it. We have been a one car family for well over a year...I am going to enjoy sleeping in a bit more now that I don't have to wake up early to drive him to work! :)

      Because of the new truck, we acquired more debt, but not too much more as it is older, used, and because we had about half of it saved up. We have been in a spending habit lately, and I'm praying we can get out of it again.
      Monday is my husband's 27th birthday! We went out to Red Robin (one of his favorite restaurants) last night for dinner.

      The whole TTC and baby situation is weighing heavily on us again as we have a few friends who had also been TTC for awhile finally get pregnant. We couldn't be happier for them! But, it makes us feel worse for ourselves. It just bothers me that I have no timeline for this. With our debt, I can make a budget, plan things out, and if we stick to it, we know exactly when we'll be debt free. With weight loss, if I could get my head on straight, it could be a near future success. But with having a baby, there is no timeline. Right now, I have no idea when we'll even be starting to TTC again and that drives me nuts! I hate it!

As of Lately...

      Things with dieting and working out are still giving me trouble. I am currently still down 16.1 pounds, and we've vowed to eat in [again]. Our whole point and reward system failed us and we've completely stopped. I don't know why I can't just do good with weight loss. I feel like such a failure sometimes.
      Dixon is doing well. He is the sweetest, cutest puppy ever! Potty training will be a long process, but he tries his best. I still absolutely love snuggling with him at night!
      We are still doing well with paying off debt. However, we haven't donated plasma in forever which means we are not gaining an extra $400 a month like we budgeted. That also means, unfortunately, that our credit card debt most likely will not be paid off in November like originally planned. However, I'm still proud of the sacrifices we continue to make.

I AM A MOMMY!

      Yesterday, my husband and I picked up our puppy whom we named Dixon. He is a chihuahua, weighs 1.5 pounds, and is 7 weeks old! He is the cutest, and sweetest little thing in the world! He slept in our bed with us all night. He is a wonderful snuggler as he never left my side! My heart is already full of so much love for him!

Car ride home

Mommy and Dixon

Dixon loves his baby

Family photo

Running with Daddy

After his first night at home

PS- my training session got canceled yesterday due to the weather...will let you know how it goes when I reschedule!

First Training Session

      Tonight I have my first training session at the gym. I am beyond nervous; I am scared. I already feel embarrassed! I've just been praying for strength and courage since I scheduled this appointment on Saturday. Our gym is very small, and always tends to be full. Because of this, I feel like people are staring at me, or secretly laughing, because it's funny that a fat person is at the gym? I feel like I know what is going through their heads; the judgement they're putting on me. It's not fair, because at least I'm there trying. So what if I'm slow on the treadmill or the elliptical; so what if I can't lift big weight...would you rather me be sitting at home on my couch, in front of the TV, snacking on potato chips? 

AMEN!

      I'm not where I would like to be yet as far as my weight loss is concerned. In the last two months, I am down 12.6 pounds and 9.5 inches. That's not great, but I am happy it is a loss and not a gain or even plateau. 

      My husband and I have created a points and rewards system to keep us motivated and up with our routines. We earn a point for eating at home, for going to the gym or at least working out, for going to Church (because we've gotten out of this habit sadly), and for donating plasma (another habit we've gotten out of, but need to do regularly if we want to pay off our debt by Nov). We lose a point for breaking our routine, whether it be skipping a planned gym day, or canceling a biolife appointment, or skipping church. We also lose a point for eating out and for spending money that isn't on our planned budget. We are still working on figuring out our rewards as we don't want something that will break our goals. We'll see how this whole thing works for us. Yes, we were influenced by my daycare kid's potty training reinforcements. HAHAHA 

      Anyway, wish me luck with the trainer tonight! 

Weighing Our Options

      The husband and I have been discussing and researching foster care a lot lately. Like A. LOT. We've even contacted a local agency with questions, so we'll see where that goes. Ultimately, if we decide to go ahead with this, we'd like to do foster care to eventually adopt. This would be the best way to go about adoption as far as finances are concerned, but emotionally, I think it'll be much more difficult. 

      In fact, I think I'm finally being honest with myself, and acknowledging that this isn't going to be as easy as we'd like. Throughout this research process, I have read countless articles, blog posts, and reviews, about how difficult foster care can be. I feel like I have a good grasp on both sides of the issue; all of the negatives and positives that come with foster care. However, with that said, my husband and I still constantly see this as only being a positive thing. Honestly, the way I see this going is that we'll sign up, get approved, get a baby/toddler, and within a year, we'll be able to legally adopt them. Boom. Done. 

      I KNOW THAT IT WON'T BE THAT EASY!! Like I said, realistically, that's not how it's going to happen. What if the parents fight hard to get the kid back? What if I become so attached, and then lose them? My heart is so big; I fall in love quickly and fall fast! I know before the dream of finalizing an adoption there is bound to be heartbreak! We could possibly go through a few kids before we get THE ONE. I just don't know if I can handle that! I want it to be easy and quick so that we can be parents.

      My other concern is that from the first meeting to the time we get approved, it could be a short two to three month process and we could have a child with us. I know that the soonest information meeting isn't until the end of April (2 months away). By the time the training, classes, and paperwork are finalized, and we get a child, it would be summer June/July. And our goal was, and still is, to lose enough weight so that we can resume TTC around June. So what happens if we sign up for foster care, get a child in June, start TTC also in June, and then become pregnant in the next few months; or would be have to push TTC back yet again? Could we handle our first full term (hopefully) pregnancy with a toddler/little kid running around? Could we handle being first time biological parents with foster kids potentially coming in and out of our home? Could we handle going through an adoption process with a baby? My husband says yes to all of those concerns. He has full faith in us. I suppose I do as well, but it is scary. 

      So many questions, concerns, and fears...We are praying like crazy about this; praying for an answer as to what to do! In the meantime, we are continuing our research and gathering information, so that we can make an informed, smart decision. 

Emotional Day

      As you know, I struggled a lot this week with poor diet and cravings. I was so positive and happy the week we juiced and then afterwards went back to my old eating habits...what kind of sense does that make?! It doesn't! So today, my husband and I went shopping to Costco, Walmart, and the local Farmers Market to buy veggies and fruit for another full week of juicing! Tomorrow, we are doing a colon cleanse before we start juicing on Monday. (Today, is a free day as we went out for breakfast and are going to a friends house for a belated birthday dinner and dessert for me!)
      Anyway, while we were out running errands I was on facebook in the car and posted there was news of a birth. An old friend of ours had their baby boy this morning. I am happy for them, really I am, but I am so jealous! In between running errands, I'd cry in the car. My husband couldn't understand why I was so upset as I 'knew she was pregnant for the last 6 months"!
      The reason is simply because I'm just so mad at myself. For the last two plus years, nothing has changed. If anything, things physically have gotten worse...at least in the beginning of our TTC journey we were able to get pregnant twice. In that time, I've lost two babies, things have changed with our friendship with those friends which ultimately resulted in us no longer hanging out, and they got to have a baby! We are still in the same situation, and it's all my fault. It's my fault that I've gained weight or at least haven't lost weight. It's my fault that I can't and don't ovulate. It's my fault that the medicines haven't worked. And it's my fault that my body just plainly sucks! In two years, they've moved on, and we're stuck baby-less and in the same exact situation! It's just not fair!
      I was still feeling sorry for myself as we got home. However, my spirits were raised when I checked the mail! We received a new letter from our sponsor child. Reading it made me cry some more. Not only is he such a sweet boy, but it made me realize something... Things have changed in that time. I have grown tremendously with Christ and I am a better Christian woman. That in and of itself is worth it! I feel like God put that letter in the mail for us to receive today when I was feeling down. He is so good!!!
      And ya know what? I am trying to change things...I have been the last two years! I may be on and off with my dieting; I may fail and have to start back up again, but, ultimately, I have not given up! I won't give up until I am finally able to love my body and have my body work correctly for me!

...Opposite of Success?! Ugh...

     Well, I did really well, until I stopped juicing...And now, I've been craving (and giving in to them) fast food, junk, chocolate...and you better believe I've gained back some weight!
     WHY IS DIETING SO DIFFICULT FOR ME?
     I HATE IT! And right now...I sorta hate me! I feel like a failure!
     How could last week I feel so accomplished, successful, invincible, energized, motivated, organized...and this week, I am failing at everything, completely lazy, and unhappy?! AHHH...
      I know a diet doesn't have to start on a Monday...but I can't wait for this week to be over so that I can regroup!

Success

   Well, detoxing has been going great! I ended up juicing this past Tuesday through Friday! Didn't quite make it the 5 days like planned, but with Valentine's Day yesterday there were too many temptations. Tonight we are ordering pizza, renting a redbox, and snuggling in to celebrate (I worked last night). However, both mine and my husband's plan is to continue juicing regularly. I want to do it a minimum of one meal a day, and will do a 4-5 day detox monthly.
      I've been feeling very motivated and energized this week. Today, on the way to work this morning, I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio and have had it stuck in my head since! Honestly, I think God put it there right then for me to hear and be reminded of this morning. This newfound attitude honestly has got me feeling like I am strong enough to do anything. But really, I need to remember that I'm not always relying on my own strength but on Jesus'...I can only continue these recent successes with Him. Anyway, I thought I'd share the song with you! :)

Detoxing

      I'm not only trying to lose weight and get healthy in that way, but I'm also trying to detox my body from chemicals and nasty toxins!

What am I doing for detox?

1. Eating more raw and organic foods; also following these guidelines:
• One serving of dairy a day
• One serving of grain a day
• Less sugar
• Less processed foods/snacks
2. I'm on day 6 of the "No Poo" hair method- Check it out here...my hair currently looks nasty! But, I've almost completed my first full week of shampoo detox; hopefully another week will be all I need!
3. I've started Oil Pulling- Check that out here...I don't notice anything from this, and to be honest, I probably only do it every other day, because I'm just forgetful! 
4. I've stopped any and all unnecessary skincare...No more lotions/moisturizers, minimal makeup but mostly days of no makeup (eventually I'll go out and buy all new makeup, more organic and less harsh chemical ingredients), and once my deodorant is gone (which will be soon) I plan on making my own
5. Next week, when I go get more groceries, I plan on juicing to detox my body as well. Last time I tried this I only lasted two days, I'm going to attempt at least 5 days! Wish me luck... :/

      I think that is all as far as detoxing and attempting to get healthy goes! Thursday evening I developed some kind of virus, which includes throwing up! NOT. FUN. Still suffering with it today! However, because of this, I am now currently down 15.9 pounds! Again though, I must mention, it's not because I've actually been trying! One sickness after another has helped me lose that weight...but I don't care, I will take it and run with it! Okay, maybe not run...hahaha!

      Also, another development...we've now officially paid off TWO credit cards!!!! Woohoo! We just got our tax refund back which is why we were able to pay off the second card and a $1000 chunk to our third card! We have $6611.32 left of credit card debt to pay in the next 8.5 months! We shall see how this goes! 

      

Happy Birthday to ME!

      It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
      No...not really going to cry! Things have been going pretty well! This cycle on BC was a success and my period should be starting soon! It felt wonderful to not have to wear a pad this whole month!! FINALLY!
      I just got over a sinus and ear infection, even though my ear still feels like it needs to pop or something. And I had an allergic reaction to something this weekend and developed itchy hives all over my body. My hands were extremely swollen and painful! I took lots of benadryl and then just rested lots. Today, I'm still a little itchy, especially my palms, but the hives are minimal and the pain and swelling are gone!
      I haven't been doing wonderful with my diet and exercising, but I haven't given up. In my first month, I lost 8.8lbs and 4.5 inches. That's pretty good considering I wasn't really trying! I figure, I can lose more pounds and inches this month if I commit to going to the gym more and eating better! Being sick last month for over two weeks really helped me lose some weight just because I didn't have much of an appetite, but because of this I also didn't go to gym all but a handful of times! I will do better this month!
      I am officially 26 today! I am still surprised that I'm not a mother yet! I thought and had planned to be a mother by 23! It's days like today that are bittersweet! How grateful I am to have made it to my 26th year; my God is great! But, today I also realize I'm getting older and things still aren't working out in our favor in the baby area! Oh well, maybe this will finally be the year!
      My husband is taking me to my favorite restaurant for dinner tonight, Red Lobster! I can't wait!! Going to enjoy the rest of my birthday! :)

NO BLEEDING?!

      IT HAS BEEN ABOUT 11 DAYS SINCE I LAST BLED! WOOHOO!!! It has been wonderful to be pad-free for about a week and a half! I could seriously get used to this! I'm hoping that this will be my new normal! Fingers Crossed!

RIP Grandpa

   

      I'm sad to report that my grandpa passed away a little before 5 this morning.
      At 11pm last night, he told my grandma to call an ambulance, because he wasn't feeling well. So she did, and  they took him to the hospital a little later. He had a seizure on the way to the ER and was unconscious upon arrival. My parents arrived to the hospital sometime after 1am and my sister finally came at 3; I'm glad they all got to be with him! They called me a little after 4am but of course I didn't hear it! I got up a little after 5am and called them back and my dad told me he passed away! Instant tears!
      I'm feeling rather guilty. I meant to call him yesterday! I kept putting it off or forgetting and never got around to it! Even if he couldn't have talked to me yesterday, he would have known I was thinking about him. I feel terrible. But, I know that he knew that I love him.
      I can't stop thinking about the reunion he must have had with his son, my uncle, Tony (he died before I was born in a drinking and driving accident)- I'm sure it was glorious!
      My sister and I were chatting on the phone this morning sharing memories and love for our grandpa. I admitted that I also feel bad that I wasn't able to give him his first great grandchild. We started talking about how my grandpa is probably up there right now begging God to finally give us our baby! He was a hilarious man, he had such a young and goofy sense of humor. Picturing him up there talking to God about giving us a baby made us laugh! I know that if I get pregnant soon, that he probably had a hand in helping! Especially if we have a boy; he so badly wanted a grandson, but got stuck with only my sister and me! :)
      EDIT: I was just reminded that my grandpa is in Heaven probably holding my angel babies right now! I can't believe I didn't think of this myself! My heart is rejoicing at the thought of this! I hope they get to enjoy each other until one day, in the far future, I get to join them!

RIP
Ralph Ernest Curtis Jr
1/1/42-1/10/14

Updates

      Few updates...
      BC- well it's not working so well! Today I should be starting my period, but for the last couple weeks I have been bleeding really bad. Before BC, I bled daily but it was light and I only wore a thin, regular pad for the whole day. Now, on BC, I've been going through 3 super pads daily. The bleeding is extremely heavy and full of clots! It's disgusting! I am waiting to see what happens during this week where I should be having a period (to monitor how the bleeding changes) and then I'm going to get in to see my doctor. This just isn't normal! And frankly, I'm really sick of it! Not to mention, that now that I'm on BC I have cramps like you wouldn't believe! My heating pad is now my best friend!
      Gym- went today for the first time in forever! I did a good cardio workout for my first time back! This week my husband and I are getting up early and going before work together! We like our sleep, but we decided to be dedicated to doing it at least this week to see if we have more energy throughout the day!
      Diet- probably not going to do paleo. It's so restrictive! However, I am eating as much whole foods as possible! I am also limiting my grains and dairy to one serving a day; and cutting my sugar intake drastically! We went to Costco this weekend and spent way too much money on healthy foods, but I suppose that's a good thing! :) I now have no excuses as far as snacks go- lots of good options; and we have some healthy meals planned for the next two weeks!
      Grandpa- he's home! That is good news! His pneumonia is gone so they let him go home on Friday! However, the doctors, as well as my family, don't think he has much longer with us here! My dad thinks maybe only a few more months! I wish I could get home soon to see him before he does pass, but I don't think that's a possibility as I'm now back to work again 5 days a week!
      My Lord- working wonders in me! I have stuck with my daily devotions and Bible reading so far. In all honesty, I've never made it even a week before I gave up, so I'm proud of myself! It seems that almost every Sunday I leave church feeling like I have a purpose! I know that God put me on this TTC journey to grow in Him and share His word with others who are struggling with a similar situation. I have this huge pull on my heart to use this journey to help others and bring them to Jesus. However, I still feel like I'm not a good witness yet. I feel like I don't know how to talk to others about the Lord since I still don't know everything that I can about Him. I suppose there is so much to learn , constantly, that I probably never will know everything. Anyway, I am praying really hard for Him to speak through me and guide me in this whole process! We shall see where this goes...

2014

      So on top of paying off ALL credit card debt this year, we have a few other resolutions we are working on. We are going to read through the Bible this year, as well as do a 365 daily devotional book. And the most important thing we are going to do is lose weight.
      Yes, I know! Isn't that everybody's new years resolution?! Its been mine for probably the last few years! And I NEVER stay with it! Ever. Heck, you all know if you were reading my blog this past summer! I did really well working out and eating healthily for a few months and then one thing led to another and I was back to my old lifestyle. What is going to make this time different? I don't know.
      Husband and I are starting a Paleo diet- to get processed and refined foods out of our diets! Basically, we just want to eat more whole foods! We also are leaving Planet Fitness to join the gym literally down the road from us. We liked PF because it was bigger and was cheaper, however it is a good 25 minute drive from our house and with monthly fees and weekly gas spent traveling there 4+ times a week, it would be way cheaper to join the gym we can walk to! It will fit better into my schedule as making time to drive out to PF, workout, drive home, then get ready wasn't happening before work. Now however, I won't have the added 50+ minutes of drive time every morning and can easily get a workout in before I head to work!
       I want to lose 50 pounds by May or June this summer. If I do that, I will go off BC and TTC will be back on! (Speaking of BC--I'm still bleeding everyday, and it's getting worse! UGH) My ultimate goal for 2014 is to get under 200 pounds! Which is doable if I lose on average 6 pounds a month. :)
      So this evening, my husband and I were taking what will be "before" photos, taking our measurements, and stepping on that dreaded scale. I haven't weighed myself in quiet awhile as I know the number just keeps rising. Every time I've attempted to lose weight I've just told my husband how much weight I need to lose or have lost. "Woohoo! I lost 3 pounds this week!" "Only 50 more pounds til I reach my first goal." That sort of thing. But this time...hubby said I should tell him. We literally stood around the scale for a good 20+ minutes arguing over whether or not he should be allowed to see how much I weigh. Finally, I gave in as I really do want his full support; and after he promised it wouldn't make him see me any differently; he promised over and over that he loves me regardless of that scale and I know that to be true. So I stepped on the scale and for the first time since we've known each other he was able to see how much I weigh. Total. In pounds. MOST EMBARRASSING AND HORRIFYING MOMENT OF MY LIFE! I cried afterwards. He comforted me. All is now okay!
      And, now that he knows my weight, I don't feel as ashamed of it. I mean it's horrible...I have a lot of work ahead of me! But now that he knows and I still have his undying love and support, it finally seems like just a number! And because of this...I am taking a huge leap in accountability and sharing my dreaded number with you all.
272.7
Ah...there! Still just a number! An unhealthy, large number, but just a number nonetheless.
Wish me luck!